Transcending Competitive Chaos

TRANSCENDING COMPETITIVE CHAOS

By Barbara Todish

FORWARD
Most of us have QUALITY of life issues in place of life or death issues.
Those who have REAL issues, as opposed to ego and/or drama issues often
become stronger from just surviving. As Nietzsche said " If it doesn't
kill you it makes you stronger." A more positive way to say something
similar is that if we all saw the difference between ABSOLUTE disadvantages
and RELATIVE inconveniences, then we could be grateful even for trauma.

CHAPTER 1
Perhaps we need a new reality show called "Trauma or Drama." It could be
similar to a judged show (American Idol, but without the drama and or ego)
where people could tell about their struggles. Documentation could also be
permitted but with an awareness that documents can be falsified,
misinterpreted, etc. The judges would listen to the details of their
experiences and question them, and if the contestants became at all
defensive,then the judges would determine that instead of trauma their
experiences were drama.
Real trauma would be determined to have existed ONLY if the contestant
communicated SPONTANEOUS GRATITUDE for the trauma, as opposed to
ARTIFICIAL, i.e., FAKED or PHONY practiced, scripted "GRATITUDE"! In other
words, the judges would be specially selected for their ability to detect
even the slightest ego and/or drama coming from the contestant by a special
kind of "defensiveness sensitivity test".
This would be similar to an expanded lie detection technique. The judges
would be uniquely qualified by an ability to bring out defensiveness if it
is in the contestant's spirit and/or soul at ALL. GRATITUDE for trauma,
namely awareness based on reflection and the communication of how the
trauma has BENEFITED the contestant, would be the key to winning "Trauma or
Drama".
Such a game show would champion the emergence of AUTHENTIC CHARACTER,
AUTHENTIC PERSONALITY. Perhaps we need such a show for all of us to become
aware of the difference between having drama and ego, how we all take life
for granted, etc., instead of having gratitude for just being alive.
This kind of a show would make people aware that the poor, and also the
disabled (and the disabled poor most of all) have to deal with life or
death survival issues. They are the ones who are confronted with the
bullying of society and the bullying of culture and of law, because their
poverty and/or disability makes them vulnerable and they are the brunt of
symbolic and actual violence.
With such a show, the poor and the disabled and the vulnerable would become
aware of their resiliency and their adaptive and creative strengths. It
would help these individuals to see that their resiliency and their
entrepreneurial creativity is valued and that their life experiences, have
been and are what is being mimicked in novels, reality TV, commercial
films, etc.
There's been vicarious identification with vulnerable individuals, (whose
vulnerability subsidizes others parasitism since recorded history, namely
the WORK of the poor and the disabled that must be done to SURVIVE.
However, instead of attributing their survival as being positive, their
survival experiences have been exploited by the "powers that be" and are
attributed to GODS, HEROS and later to CELEBRITIES.
Such a show would help us all to "get (an absolute instead of) a (relative)
life" and an ABSOLUTE instead of a RELATIVE personality, and would help us
all to become aware of how, too often ego and drama take the place of
really living.


Chapter 2

Another idea for a show might be something derived from the popular novel
and movie "Hunger Games. Imagine if :Hunger Games was an "appetizer" for
the main course: A show called "Identity Oympics"

I imagine all my various identities: My name Barbara, being Barbara, being
female, being a daughter, being my race, being my religion, being my
various occupations, being, formerly homeless, a professor, etc., all these
identities prevented me from being present in an absolute sense.

Identity can be an extremely controversial topic. I released my sel(f)ves
from ALL socially and culturally constructed identity, such as race,
gender, religion, ethnicity by engaging in an IDENTITY "GAME" that I
created that was along the order of "HUNGER GAMES"!

The goal of the IDENTITY GAME was is to virtually "kill" my constructed
identities! I imagined that I competed in Olympic type virtual "funerals"
after competitions that I "held" for all the rituals and traditions and
customs associated with my various identity stereotypes.. I was the most
stereotypical, the most obnoxious that I could be, i.e., the most dramatic
and egotistical female, the whitest, the most religious, the most ethnic,
etc.

Finally, I became aware of how these identities enslaved me and I became
free from all LIMITED identities. The "PRIZE" is the emergence of limitless
humanity, limitless love and limitless humor due to subliminal humanity
"identity".

This new "Identity" involves making continuously new memories and this new
"Identity" enables me to finally live in the present because I am finally
able to embrace my own "dark" and "light" sides. This is because all
judgment has been eliminated by letting go of all socially and culturally
constructed identities.
 



Chapter
3


Perhaps we ALL need to recover from SOCIETY and from THE SOCIAL CONTRACT!
From almost the first moment that we are born we are subjected to force.
This usually begins when we are spanked into breathing our first breath.
This violence is taken as a necessity. What might out lives be like if we
could all go back and have a "re-do" starting with our births?

What if we could all do a kind of self "guided imagery" and go through a
kind of retroactive re-birthing? Imagine that you are about to be spanked
and your father, etc., rushes into the operating room and goes over to the
doctor delivering you. Let's imagine the obstetrician is Ron Paul, MD!

Your father grabs Dr. Paul's hand as he is about to spank you: Wait: if you
spank my child I will sue you"! A debate between your father and Dr. Paul
begins: Dr Paul says "I have to spank the infant, or the infant will die.
The father says " There are alternatives to force, place the infant in cold
water"!

Imagine that while Dr. Paul and your father are arguing, you, turning blue
from hypoxia, finally let out a laugh, by some miracle or progeria,
perhaps, and you say, "I was considering withholding my breath because of
all this fighting and arguing, and then I thought well I can just be alive
and tell you all what idiots you all are to fight!

Dr. Ron Paul, and your dad have undergone a paradigm shift, and Dr. Ron
Paul goes on to deliver babies without ever spanking them and runs and wins
the 2012 US Presidency and your mom and dad brings you home and instead of
EVER raising their hand to hit you, they are preeminently peaceful and
cheerful without ever needing to use an angry tone of voice!

They home school you, and you live a delightful life with love, humor, and
kindness and serenity all around you. President Ron Paul begins his
Presidency in January 2013 with his first presidential edict: All babies
are to be delivered without ANY i.e., spanking violence, and the USA
becomes the model for the rest of the world to raise the first generation
of children that are loveable to them selves, and the entire world begins
to change into ABSOLUTE lovability!


CHAPTER 4


As a female, I had previously resigned myself to a limited experience of
all that life has to offer. This is because I felt that I HAD to be
ACCEPTED and APPROVED OF, by my family, by society, etc. I was willing for
most of my life to settle for experiencing life vicariously, through
relationships, through a spouse or partner and/or through children or
"substitutes" for or "as if " children, i.e., my students, when I taught.

There is a term for women (mostly) who "settle" for taking a vicarious
"walk on the wild side": Hybristofilia. It's a psychological term that is
defined as romantic, etc., attraction to "bad boys", "dangerous" men, etc.
I am in the process of finding and experiencing my own wild and/or dark
side validity for myself, and wow what a "ride"!

I finally have an "inkling", a miniscule opening into what all my
"intrusive thoughts" and self criticizing consciousness is all about. My so
called "intrusive thoughts" (labeled as such by a patriarchal system that
unrealistically assigns only goodness and light as appropriate to females,
especially Caucasian females) were telling me to be all I could be, to go
beyond social and culturally constructed "identity", to be limitless!

All my life I thought I was afraid of being abandoned. My Mom used to
threaten to "give me away to the Gypsies"! Then I only wanted to please
others, because I felt unworthy of even HAVING a self TO please. I was so
DISCIPLINED and REPRESSED and I was especially DRAMATIC and EGOTISTICAL.
Now in a breakthrough of sorts, a paradigm shift, that was years in the
making, I want to BE my own "dark side"!

I have learned that I can do this without any violence and or force, and I
am trying to be my nonviolent dark side without any ego and or drama (save
whatever is necessary in order to physically survive, that is). I believe I
CAN accomplish this and I accept any and all repercussions. Ironically the
results of my becoming free from social repression ARE that which I once
feared, namely, being abandoned, isolated, by family, friends, etc., but
most of those who have abandoned me are, I see now toxic, or maybe to be
kinder, just pre-evolved, etc..

So, instead of fearing my isolation, I am reveling in it, because I have
myself, my WHOLE "dark and light side" self to BE with and that wholeness
is all I need and more than I can ever ask for! Besides I am now making new
friends, and because I finally have self confidence, I am very
discriminating, but in a good, oops, I mean in a light AND dark way!

I know what I was truly afraid of when I was growing up: ambiguity! I used
to hate any and all surprises, all unpredictable events were negative until
recently. I still experience symptoms called "the startle effect".
Unexpected, loud noises, or even loud voices, still make me "jump". I often
"see" myself in a virtually retroactive sense, almost like a "flashback"
whenever I see any injustice, bullying, etc.

It was, for a time, almost overwhelming to me, because I see what others
take to be normal civility as bullying. It is, I'm sure, going to be said
that I just have what is known as a "thin skin". I have heard it many times
that "You need to toughen up", "Why do you let things bother you?" "That is
just the way things are", "That is the way it is meant to be", and so on.

I have begun to see SO much incivility that even being in public requires
me to be super motivated, because I much prefer to be at home alone and
write. I believe I may be hyper vigilant due to a dysfunctional childhood,
adolescence and early to middle adulthood! I am beginning to "grow" that
thicker skin, but instead of being IMPERVIOUS to what I see as symbolic
and/or actual violence, I now often want to try out my new found "skills"
and I am still trying to use these "skills" appropriately.

However, I would do it all again, the same way, because my experiences have
finally resulted in a real paradigm, evolutionarily emotional, etc., shift.
Now I have begun to understand that my sensitivity has helped me and will,
I hope, continue to help me gather in more and more information, which
information, in turn helps me to experience, limitless creativity and
innovation, and an almost UNIVERSAL EMPATHY OF AMBIGUITY.



Chapter 5


Because of my past, I relate extremely intensely to EVERYTHING and
ANYTHING. Whereas most MDs, etc., would PATHOLOGIZE this sensitivity and
call it adult ADD, I prefer to consider it an AAF or Attention on Ambiguity
Fear! Instead of being fearful of anything that is ambiguous, I see an
opportunity for creativity and innovation and often, if I am lucky and
disciplined enough, HUMOR! Maybe the revolutionary, Immortal Technique
sings it best in "Caught In a Hustle":

"Write it down and remember that we never gave in.
The mind of a child is where the revolution begins.
So if the solution has never been to look in yourself,
How is it that you expect to find it anywhere else"?
 
Perhaps my identity depended too much on conforming to the CULT in culture
and the CULTURE involed in "The Social Contract. Instead of using my
various identities and roles, they used me. What might we all be like if
we "recovered" from all the punitive disciplining we got that involves
force, starting with being spanked when we were born? R we in a CULT? the
CULT URE of The Social Contract? Do we need 2 recover from SOCIETY 2 find
our lost sense of humor?
I know what I was truly afraid of when I was growing up: ambiguity! I used
to hate any and all surprises, all unpredictable events were negative until
recently.

I still experience symptoms called "the startle effect". Unexpected, loud
noises, or even loud voices, still make me "jump". I often "see" myself in
a virtually retroactive sense, almost like a "flashback" whenever I see any
injustice, bullying, etc. It was, for a time, almost overwhelming to me,
because I see what others take to be normal civility as bullying. It is,
I'm sure, going to be said that I just have what is known as a "thin skin".
I have heard it many times that "You need to toughen up", "Why do you let
things bother you?" "That is just the way things are", "That is the way it
is meant to be", and so on.

I have begun to see SO much incivility that even being in public requires
me to be super motivated, because I much prefer to be at home alone and
write. I believe I may be hyper vigilant due to a dysfunctional childhood,
adolescence and early to middle adulthood! I am beginning to "grow" that
thicker skin, but instead of being IMPERVIOUS to what I see as symbolic
and/or actual violence, I now often want to try out my new found "skills"
and I am still trying to use these "skills" appropriately.

However, I would do it all again, the same way, because my experiences have
finally resulted in a real paradigm shift. Now I have begun to understand
that my sensitivity has helped me and will, I hope, continue to help me
gather in more and more information, which information, in turn helps me to
experience an almost UNIVERSAL EMPATHY OF AMBIGUITY.

 
 
CHAPTER 6


I believe my identity depended too much on conforming to the CULT in
culture and the CULTURE involved in "The Social Contract". Instead of using
my various identities and roles, my various identities used me! I
intuitively and instinctively felt, deep down that I needed to "recover"
from all the punitive disciplining I either subjected myself to, or the
discipline that others subjected me to. I knew that there was a limitless
identity to be sought, I just needed to extricate myself from my intense
crisis to crisis, modus operendi. I finally " got it" that my crisis
addicted personality involved force, starting with being spanked when I
was born! IMHO I am in a CULT, the CULT-URE of The Social Contract. I
needed to recover from SOCIETY to find my lost sense of humor.

I was introduced to violence before I took my first breath. The Doctor
spanked me in order to force me to breathe. This was considered acceptable.
However that started the exponential multiplying of violence in my life. It
is little wonder, then, that I want to be selfish, so that all the violence
can be equaled out with pleasure.

I was just a construct, a social and cultural construct, a PARTIAL
"EXISTER". Actually I was only PRACTICING to BE, until "I" accepted my
"dark side". "I" was hardly the "I" in "me". I was always defensive,
especially emotionally. Deep down, intuitively "I" knew "I" was missing
something, some part of "me".

Once I began to accept my "dark side", my "otherness", I began to BE
present absolutely, and this ABSOLUTE present-ness MAY be as close to BEING
free from DEFENSIVENESS, i.e., FREE FROM worrying about any needs for
privacy, and so I can be ABSOLUTELY open, and this openness seems to be a
threat to others who seem to be almost addicted to privacy.

For instance I was told that to be open with my past, my dark side past
(homelessness, etc.,), my past vulnerability would be offensive and "too
brutal honesty". Though I pay dearly for this openness, it is worth it,
because I am "paid", or I "pay" myself with freedom from at least emotional
defensiveness. (Of course in order to stay alive I HAVE to be aware of the
necessity to react with physical self defensiveness, but I consider only
ABSOLUTE immanent life and death issues worthy of my energy.)

Perhaps this absolute existential quality, namely the emotional freedom
from defensiveness, can only exist SUBLIMINALLY. Maybe this is an almost
subliminal communication here, and perhaps this will be mostly
misunderstood, but regardless of that possibility, I am enjoying
communicating this, even if it results in being a communication just to
myself! Even if this freedom from emotional defensiveness is a kind of
SUBLIMINAL "existence", it "IS" a KIND of freedom from relativity, because
I can be ABSOLUTELY obnoxious and that is, to me priceless.



CHAPTER 7
 

Perhaps it is obnoxious of me to write what I am about to, however I will
write it anyway: Screw all countries, all movements,(except my own healthy
BOWEL MOVEMENTS! lol) I intend to forget most solidarity, BDS, etc. I am in
a cult its called culture, and I want freedom, if it's at all possible!

I want to debate all the Norman Finklesteins, the the Noam Chompsky's,
the "Hillary' Clinton's" et al, about how the entire world society is a
cult! What is culture, after all? Why, IT IS A CULT! Conjugate CULT
(thanks to my high school Latin I learned English mechanics better!):I am
(in a cult), you are(in a cult) he she it is(in a cult) , we are (in a
cult) you(plural you) are(in a cult), they are (in a cult)!

The only way out for me, IMHO is to see society as a cult that excludes
those like me who are conscious of their own dark sides, because those
with ANY consciousness of ABSOLUTE inclusion threaten the EXISTENCE OF THE
STATUS QUO AND THE PORNIFICATION OF FORCE!

Symptoms of the pornification of force are wars, abuses of power that are
revealed when the arrogance of relative, subjectively constructed judgment
rears its ugly head. This limited judgment misinforms us that there is "the
other" when the other "R" us!

The biggest illusion of all may be that of ownership of property. We hardly
own ourselves, let alone can we, do we own anything (ownership is a legal
fiction i.e., Joseph Proudhon "Property is Robbery") when we refuse to "own
up" to even HAVING a dark side. We try to push our dark sides off, by
projecting them onto "the other" whether "the other" is the immigrant or
the 1%, etc.

Those who embrace their own dark sides, have included "the other"
ABSOLUTELY instead of RELATIVELY. Simultaneously, they also live , love and
laugh absolutely, presently, because they know that is all we really have.
All their energy is FOR THE PRESENT! HA HA!

Instead of making "the other" out to be the "reason d'etre" for the
emergence, the maintenance, and the PERFORMANCE of THE PORNIFICATION OF
FORCE, those who accept as their IDENTITY their own dark sides, NEED only
the wholeness of themselves to be existent! It's ABSOLUTE lovability. I
want to kiss MYSELF all the time!

When I denied my own dark side I "lived" (if you can call it living at
all, being in a zombie like state, ) ( subconsciously and/or unconsciously
sensed and, perhaps unknowingly PROJECTED even SOUGHT in others the
external evil that was really within ME!

This is because the pornification of force was my negative core identity,
regardless of my constructed social and cultural "masks" and roles, my
race, gender, ethnicity religion, etc. I have relinquished MY pornifcators
of force! I have withdrawn from competitions of ego and drama and whining
Olympic holocausts, because, I realize noe, my whining HAD ME! I
extricated myself from the pornification of force by discarding ALL social
and cultural traditions, all countries, all governments all identities,
customs, traditions, etc.

Now I have begun to make new "memories", Instead of having a past or a
future I LIVE just to BE in the present PRESENT for a change! I have to
have self validity. I have begun allow my BEING to emerge, so that I am a
celebrity to myself. Though I am without walking on the red carpet because
something tells me that when it comes to commercial celebritidom, the red
carpet often walks on THEM !

CHAPTER 8

Speaking of celebrities, Sean Penn on Charlie Rose (PBS, 3/16/12) said
"Celebritidom is an infection that everyone has embraced." Perhaps, what is
even more accurate is that celebritidom is a virtual human virus that has
"infected" everyone. Our American (or is it world wide?) obsession with
celebritidom may be a major reason that American jobs have become
outsourced, instead of the outsourcing of American jobs being part of a New
World Order conspiracy, i.e., what David Icke, and other conspiracy
theorists contend.

Perhaps the reason so many American jobs were outsourced is because instead
of Americans doing their jobs, Americans' jobs were "doing" them! Instead
of taking pride in their work, most Americans, including American managers,
directors, CEO's, etc., arrive at work late, (exceptions of course are
airlines and other transportation companies, in fact sometimes, when planes
are full they may depart BEFORE scheduled ETD, Estimated Time of
Departure).
In many instances workers, etc., are no-shows, absent as much or more than
they are present, and absent, mentally, even when "present". American
workers, etc., prefer long weekends, starting Wednesdays and ending
Tuesdays, and when AT work they feel entitled and prefer to be on social
media, etc., or if prevented from these diversions, the majority of
American workers make it a point to be as obnoxious as possible, (taking
"The Office" as their "working" model).

Americans all believe they are entitled to their at least 15 minutes of
fame and their work, either in the actual "legitimate" economy or the grey,
black or shadow underground economies, is, they "reason" only the means to
this end. Other countries, at least for the time being, are grateful and
most importantly, more patient and professional in their work ethic, even
while being paid almost slave wages! I wish I was wrong about this, but to
prove I am right, just TRY to have a debate on this, I assure you it would
be prevented, BECAUSE OF DEFENSIVENESS! And the DEFENSIVENESS alone will
show that this explanation is true!

Most Americans, even those with identities other than workers, prefer
illusion and being dramatic and egotistical "victims" because they are all
wanting to be in "reality shows" instead of being themselves authentically
(meaning with awareness of their dark sides, "warts" and all) in real life!
Perhaps in the future most Americans WILL be fully employed when HOLLYWOOD
arrives as the McDonalds-Walmart-Disney, etc. entertainment-employer-of
record on almost every block, in every town, in every county, in every
state.

Then most Americans' EGO AND DRAMA will be "hired", instead of their
various fake identities, their EGO AND DRAMA will be filmed and distributed
to the rest of the world! Then Americans will perhaps be fully employed and
get paid for and play the roles of dramatic and egotistical buffoons for
the rest of the world. This is namely what most Americans "do" best.
Someday Americans may realize that instead of HAVING their ego and drama to
enhance their race, gender, ethnic, religious, etc., identity, their ego
and drama identities HAVE them.


Chapter 9


I am extremely sensitive to anything that I find obnoxious (lots of TV
commercials! lol ) and this coincides with my discovery that I, myself, may
have recently become an "attractive nuisance"! The term "attractive
nuisance" is a legal one. It means that which is so attractive it becomes
disturbing, an overwhelming distraction, as opposed to a subtle
distraction.

Perhaps the "root of the problem" is that we all are presented with almost
limitless opportunities to be distracted, and that this is a beginning
level for us to learn discipline, to "determine" freely (I know this sounds
and/or is paradoxical) exactly what distractions, if any will make us the
happiest. Or Perhaps the goal is to transgress, and/or transcend
distractions and to emerge to a consciousness that is so present that only
life or death physicality distracts you from the present.

I have been intensely curious for what seems to be most of my life, at
least since
I was able to read. This curiosity, combined with an (instinctual?)
awareness of and a distrust for any and all authority (now "interpreted as
ODD or Oppositional Defiance Disorder) resulted in much conflict, both
internally and externally. If I had my life to "do over" again, as in the
film "Ground Hog Day", I wonder if a slight change in my appearance might
have resulted in more opportunities to be understood. As it was, I believe
I was tremendously misinterpreted by others, AND myself.

There was an aspect to my appearance that was (almost) missing, namely
eyebrows! I realize now, that I was making impressions without expression.
As a child, I was taken for shy, but that was a judgment made by others
because I must have frightened almost everyone because my appearance
resulted in making others react to emotional ambiguousness. Later, my
appearance would result in psychiatrists, psychologists, etc., "diagnosing"
me as being without affect, when what I really needed was eyebrows, or more
defined eyebrows.

I know this may seem like it is more cosmetic than basic root causality,
but as a result of replacing my lost, or almost invisible eyebrows, (and of
course, concurrently finding my lost sense of humor, serendipitously) my
life, my health, everything has changed, for the better! So it is a root
cause(and I really wish my eyebrow "roots" would magically develop, as
well, but I will settle for artificial eyebrow pencil for now) to and for
me.

Identities, roles that I played, were distractions from my real, most
essential self(that self that still exists AFTER all ego and drama
"layering"), but before I was ABLE to EXPRESS that REAL self, that self
that was free from roles, masks, various identities, I had to first HAVE
that self TO express. Finding eyebrows HELPED me to feel LOVEABLE enough to
HAVE self esteem that was free from all external "layering", namely the
identities, roles, etc. Then I was OPEN to seeing my "dark side" as well as
my "lght side", because I finally loved me. Almost simultaneously, I also
found my lost sense of humor, too!

I was only PRACTICING to frighten others because I was too busy, too
focused on frightening myself because of my appearance: I made an
impression, but it was always an impression without ANY expression! That
was because I was always so white, so pale that I must have always seemed
unhealthy. I kind of identified with any characters that I saw on TV that
were aliens from other planets. My ghostly, ghastly (to me) appearance
combined with my inner dark side may seem to be quite a dramatic story, but
for me it was just my everyday existence.

My self esteem was as sparse as my eyebrows. My mom had little if any
eyebrows, as well. She seemed to have a brow bone that took the place of
eyebrows. She certainly did have loads of "back bone" though. She was
musically gifted, a classical pianist, maybe a genius, but she kept taking
lessons, even in her 80's, to improve! In retrospect, she might have been
happier had she been like her more glamorous sisters, but we will never
know because she died in 2000.

I might have, likewise, avoided all glamour existence, identity, etc., for
an alternative "tom-boy" like existence, but for finding my eyebrows! As a
result of adding to my sparse eyebrows, I have gained a new "eye identity"!
Previously I was lacking in self confidence, so much so, that I felt that
instead of belonging, I was quite alien, even to myself.



Chapter 10



I used to attribute "differentiation" to all kinds of bullying, abuses,
etc. For instance, one of my earliest memories was of my mother saying,
numerous times: "I wish I never had you" to me and my younger brother. I
drank whatever was in the liquor cabinet at 10 years of age, when my
parents would go out, and continued the drinking until I was about 50 years
old.

I focused on whatever it took to just survive and, possibly, as a result of
this focus on only surviving, I seemed to draw into my life all kinds of
crises, especially "stormy" and unstable relationships, for the most part
(an exception was my approximately 15 years with the airlines, first as a
stewardess with a small regional carrier, and then as a flight attendant
(the job title having been upgraded) with a larger airline, and then my
sometimes simultaneous 15 years teaching, first in k-12 public schools,
and then in colleges and universities.)

I was always just living, barely living at all, always living on almost the
edge of existence. I was unable to focus on future existence, except as any
future existence related to an existence of the mind, because education was
always stressed in my family, so it made a strong impression on me.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly, I began to extricate myself from what may
have been an addiction to crisis. I began to become aware of how the crises
of my childhood made up a kind of a practice identity that I believed was
what I had to master in order TO survive at all. I BELIEVED CRISIS WAS LIFE
ITSELF!

Then I believed for the longest time that I just HAD to make stability
somehow come out of the chaos that was my childhood and family existence.
Now I know that the ANXIETY OF AMBIGUITY can be a source of much
creativity, innovation and pleasure, if it can be viewed as possibility,
potentiality, instead of only the "dark (shameful ie, being the "black
sheep of a family, etc.,) side" of life.

Now I know that kind of survival was wanting to hang onto a crisis
identity, basically a family identity, even the despised black sheep
identity, at any cost rather that risk choosing a powerful identity of my
own making, namely "giving birth" to a family of oneself.

It took me a long time to take the, at first, baby steps needed to stop
being the baby that my mother never wanted to grow up, to stop being an
naive subject of my mother's manipulative social "engineering". She wanted
the three of her children to remain under her emotional control, as if she
could "play" her children like the notes on her piano.

It took many years of patiently, and sometimes impatiently, being resilient
to get to know what I was missing: eyebrows! I am grateful that I "paid my
dues" and had a RELATIVELY hard early, adult, etc., life, (who has an
ABSOLUTELY hard life, after all if you at least survive) because I now can
enjoy the little things in life, like the basics in life.

I am finally able to take QUALITY OF LIFE ISSUES less seriously (perhaps I
still take life and death issues too seriously, who knows?) This MAY be
because I found my lost sense of humor. I'm trying to make my work be the
play I missed out on, due to a childhood, etc., taken too seriously.




Chapter 11




What really helped me a lot was "re-doing" some aspects of my childhood by
imagining I could go back in time, like in the film "Groundhog Day and
when my Mother said to me "I wish I never had you" I was able to undo the
hurt retroactively by saying to her "Mom, please say that again, but this
time without the negative" (So she instead tells me what she wished she
had.) Alternatively `" I say "But Mom, instead of you having me, I HAD
you"! lol

Bottom of Form
I found my true identity when I found my lost sense of humor. As a result
of being able to take myself less seriously I began to finally realize that
I was abnormally pale and eyebrow "challenged"! Up until then I was kind of
"anonymous" to myself. In other words I was in denial about my reality.

Like my mother, I always looked very Irish in an unhealthy, anemic way and
I had sparse eyebrows and I was unable to or too impatient to fill in my
eyebrows. I realize now that for almost 50 years my appearance, especially
an abnormally pale skin color and my face being without eyebrows, (well,
practically speaking, almost without eyebrows), gave me an unearthly
appearance, ghostlike. I frightened people. In other words, I made a
ghostly impression because I had zero expression! I appeared and was judged
to be without AFFECT! I appeared to be totally ambiguous!

I seemed so alien in my appearance, I may have generated fear in others. I
only knew and was experienced at reacting intensely to others automatic
fear response. I wanted to go THROUGH life almost as if on auto pilot,
reacting, instead of making a life and an identity for myself. I wanted to
give up or give back any power, and any responsibility, because I preferred
REACTING in ways that were predictable.

I despised surprise! However I began to "bloom" late, you could say I was a
late bloomer, baby boomer! Specifically, what helped me to bloom was the
concept of "less IS more". After hearing it many times, I began to take
baby steps to actually live it. I began to be attracted to and curious
about the smallest nuances of my own, mostly isolated, existence, instead
of being curious about others.

Whereas formerly I attempted to live almost vicariously through others,
trying to live a secondary existence as the reaction to others energy, and
other's motivations, now I would start with baby steps begin to risk to
live for me. I began to notice all the subtle details of life around me and
these gave me great pleasure.

I realized that I had allowed all my energy to be focused on trying to
figure out what made other people APPEAR confident. Now, instead of
limiting myself to merely having the APPEARANCE of having confidence, I
want to spend all my time finding my SELF VALIDITY IDENTITY in subtle
pleasures. For me this means that I seek to risk finding myself, AND my
identity, IN subtle pleasures, like FEELING what my identity might be like
to myself, if I had my identity in a kind of less is more "currency",
instead of the intense drama and ego type identities that I previously was
"addicted" to.









CHAPTER 12





I started by listening more and more to my instincts, especially after a
few, or maybe many, "wake up" calls that were close to, if not actual, near
death experiences. Being grateful for many second chances helped me to see
the difference between quality of life issues , and life and death issues.
I began to relax more and more when I gave myself permission to stop trying
so hard to be around others, and instead started spending much needed time
with myself.

First there was a lot of sleeping. There was SO much sleeping that I might
be appropriately called by the nick name Ripette, for the female version of
Rip Van Winkle! This almost voluntary "coma" down time was productive in so
many ways. I began to keep a dream journal and this was dream "work", as
well as de-stressing and emotional recuperation, and rejuvenation. I needed
this for energy replacement due to depletion of my humanity resources
(nerves, etc.) due to always reacting to what seemed to me to be other's
confident portrayal of their identities.

Taking a kind of voluntary coma, or, more correctly LETTING the voluntary
"coma" take me, seemed to release me from the habit of "stuffing" and thus
empowering my negative intrusive thought , namely my negative intrusive
thought HAD ME! I was able to free these negative intrusive thoughts by
interpreting them with aspects of my newly emerged and newly engaged "dark
humor" side! I was finding a humorous side to everything, there was
limitless comedy, and spontaneous IMPROV! Though some others thought my
dark humor was pure insensitivity, I NEEDED dark humor as a kind of
ANTIDOTE to my many decades of almost ABSOLUTE SERIOUSNESS!

I began to try to just entertain myself, instead of worrying if my words
would be offensive. Soon I began doing IMPROV comedy. But instead of the
kind of humor that is disparaging humor, (the kind of "laughter" that is
really based on ridiculing self or other) IMPROV HUMOR is spontaneous,
because it is laughter in and for, itself. This kind of free, almost
internal laughter that is almost irrepressible, is so natural, it is like
breathing, It releases YOU when it is released, it PAYS you in terms of
gratitude with a deep soul tickle pleasure, a natural "High". It is
competitive, yet egoless surprise after surprise, laughter that amazes me,
after the fact, that is, because all the focus is on the pleasure instead
of on THE COMMERCIALITY and/or the external approval, i.e., others laughing
because I am focused on self entertainment! IMPROV HUMOR allows you to
free yourself from your ego and be omni potently childlike! With each
laughter experience, upon reflection, I obtained new awareness. I became
more and more confident that I had finally FOUND my lost sense of humor!
The laughter is part of limitless gratitude for the humor that is even
better than all orgasms and all the money, fame, and power there ever was
and /or can and will be! IMPROV freedom or improve limitlessness is mostly
due to becoming aware of and loving all of my personality, the dark side
that was formerly attributed to demon like "others" is reunited to "take
down" the arrogance of the judgment of my "goodness", "light side", etc.

The process involves doing the
hard work involved in looking for and locating my lost sense of humor. The
best way to deal with my dark and light side was to see the drama and ego
in both sides of me and use that natural resource energy to MINE the
humanity of humor's love and/or love's humor.

I stopped my MO (Modus Operandi, again I am reminded that I am grateful
that my Mom insisted I take Latin in high school, lol) of being secretive,
because I had kept my own "dark side" (addictive type personality, etc.,)
so hidden, and I had SO OVER PERFORMED my light ("saint" and/or heroine-
like sides, that I had become ANONYMOUS to myself! I had determined
finally to choose to laugh at obnoxiousness because the alternative was to
or cry at the loss of my sense of humor.

 

CHAPTER 13



Perhaps it is up to women such as me"(and/or perhaps metrosexuals, too) to
re-imagine the Marxist imperative: to be: "Women and metrosexuals of the
world unite!" Let's take "Lysistrata (where women, et al, withhold sex from
men until they stop warring) to a new meta level. Let's use our
communication while we still can (who knows if the censors will be
monitoring everyone soon, if it has yet to happen? )to deal with the
"phallic root problem".

Let's try to look at men in the best light that they can be seen: let's
suppose that men are unaware that they are bullies at all. (Listen to what
I virtually "hear" now: (Men saying):"Why, it is the women that are the
bullies, or the bully-ettes, because they withhold what we want, or make us
jump through hoops to get to their vaginas!"

Maybe we SHOULD give men some slack, they hardly asked to BE the mostly,
larger physical specimens that they are. Why, they even hardly KNOW that
they have more strength than women! Often, enough, instead of HAVING their
strength, men's strength HAS them! It is likewise for their phallic root
cause: men hardly HAVE their phallic root cause, because their phallic root
cause HAS them! Men hardly use their phallic root cause to "take" women,
etc., as reward "spoils" of their unequaled physical power. Men have, as
extensions of that unequal physical power, more opportunities, more
advantages ( Can you hear the men all claiming "FOUL" Women have more
advantages they get to TAKE our phallic root cause anytime they want, we
men and our phallic root cause is VULNERABLE to all women" The real
VULNERABILITY is that men's phallic root cause takes the women for and in
place of them. Instead of HAVING ANY intent at all, men's phallic root
cause HAS their INTENT for, and in place of them having any intent for
themselves.

Let's start telling men what we want them to hear, feel, understand, etc.,
by "talking" to their phallic root causes. Let's tell their phallic root
causes that we know it is "they", men's second "heads" that is the
malefactor of all the problems in the world and that we, women (and
"metrosexuals", etc.) are united to take all of you "down" (virtually
"hear" the collective "DROOP" of all the collective erections around the
male world, lol) and then all over the world let's watch as all phallic
root causes retreat.

Perhaps all the phallic root causes in the world will get together and
after a sufficient time of mourning for their pyrrhic loss, they can re-
emerge WITHOUT THE EGO, that was false confidence anyway, to transcend
their former warring, competitive, un-natures to re-join us women with
their cooperative selves.

Instead of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", maybe, though, men
are "derived" from an ego "gene" and maybe women are "derived" from a drama
"gene"? Or better still maybe we all derive from a "gene" of obnoxiousness?
Or maybe we are all just "viruses that multiply reproductively> After all,
"The Octomom" had so many babies at one time it was almost a litter, so
maybe we all are the universes' virus litters!



CHAPTER 14



Maybe we all, men and women need to "be taken down a peg from our arrogance
about being "Higher life forms than animals or even rocks, etc. Do we all
just IMAGINE that we can control life, when perhaps all life controls us?
Maybe our attempts at "control" gives a Cosmic Operating Principle (COP)
the energy to make black holes that are composed of flatulence! Imagine
that we are all just human viruses inside of the COP. This COP FEELS all
its human viruses, all the world's families, races, all the genders, all
the religions arguing, fighting, warring, over "Life and Death" issues, and
this COP knows that what we CALL "Life and Death" issues are just
symptomatic results of us all being mere "human" viruses! The only time
this COP becomes intensely interested are the very rare times when some of
its human viruses sense intuitively and instinctively how insignificant
they are, and then communicate that through SUBLIMINAL HUMOR, which the COP
feels as a kind of cosmic orgasm!

What the COP is most curious about may be the few times when we HUMAN
VIRUSES "get it"! Like when Michael Richards learns what it is like to be
humbled, when as a result of using the "N" word, Richards finally learned
that his own language used him instead of vice versa. The COP pays close
attention on occasions, like when Charlie Sheen gets an inkling that maybe
all his money, and all his fame, and all his past has been a JOKE ON HIM!
The COP notes when IMF banker-type viruses get "cleaned up" by maids, too.
Similarly, the COP stretches cosmic "muscle strings", when our greatest
"viruses" make fun of themselves i.e., when Einstein sticks his tongue out
in a photo that goes exponentially "viral"! The COP is especially thrilled,
and lets out a cosmic burp that re-orders chaos every so often, when a
philosopher-type comedian like Socrates comes along and says he knows that
he does not know!

Perhaps we will all provide the biggest laugh of all to the COP when, as
our viral DNA evolves to the point, maybe sooner than later, that we all
help the digestion of the COP when we pre-digest OURSELVES with atomic,
nuclear warfare! Such a "catastrophe" would only be the equivalent of a
spicy meal to the COP!

All human viruses, with few exceptions, are unaware that they all are
nuclear "war heads" themselves and are just infecting each other with their
viral "cancer" of their own self-hatred, and the only immunity they have
are the very few anti-viruses that speak a subliminal language of "humor
immunity".

This humor anti-virus remains un-interpreted because the viruses are all
propelled by their spiraling, out of control, evolutionarily determined
DNA, to commit suicide, i.e., become digested, used for cosmic energy, and
eventually eliminated, by the COP. Only the subliminal anti-virus, like the
humor from Bill Maher, and others like him will affect the COP and make any
difference, otherwise, the COP will let out a big, long, deep sigh of
gratitude and be able to go to sleep, because the accident that was "us"
will have been eliminated and flushed away into the universes' "toilet".
" "
" "
" "
"CHAPTER 14 "
" "
" "
" "
"Society, CULT-URE (CULTURE, may, in fact BE a CULT) and all of LAW "
"(LAW may be FLAW) is a scam to bully us into a social contract "
"based on money. "
" "
"If you have enough money, you can buy the world! If you have enough"
"money you can even determine who lives and who dies, and who "
"governs, who gets policed, who gets educated, who gets groomed, "
"vetted, recruited occupationally, politically, etc., because you "
"can use your money to direct all of society, all of CULT-URE, all "
"of law by determining law(i.e., Citizens v United, a supreme court "
"decision states that corporations are people and can therefore "
"provide limitless funds to candidates). "
" "
"If you have enough money you can engineer public opinion to "
"dehumanize, and demonize and neutralize and criminalize or even "
"assassinate those who dare to tell the truth to power (money). If "
"you have enough money you can determine what Big (and little) "
"Pharma does research on. and who Big (and Little) Pharma targets "
"for drugs. "
" "
"If you have enough money you can even paralyze the evolution of "
"capitalism, itself. If you have enough money, you can decide what "
"is good and what is evil, even what is human and what is "
"artificial, because you can control the INFORMATION that all of "
"society and all of CULT-URE, and LAW/FLAW receive about artificial "
"intelligence, the human genome, etc. "
" "
"If you have enough money, you can say and exponentially multiply "
"your definition of what are human rights and human duties through "
"MSM (Main Stream Media) and most toothless alternative media, as "
"well! "
" "
"The truth is, or may be, though, that when you base your, life, "
"your power, and your very identity on the BELIEF in ownership of "
"money as power, property, and identity itself, that instead of "
"having, owning, the property, the power OR the identity, the power,"
"the property, the identity and the money OWNS you! In order to "
"retrieve ourselves from money, we may all have to "go on strike" "
"against it. "
" "
"We may all have to open our windows, those of us lucky enough to be"
"indoors WITH windows, TO open, that is, and shout out "I refuse to "
"be in the social contract any more until and unless the social "
"contract is IN me, until I HAVE a ME to be IN the social contract "
"WITH"! We need to say it , yell it, scream it, whisper it, etc., "
"over and over until we begin to HEAR that instead of even HAVING "
"our voice, we see, hear, understand, reflect, feel, that our VOICE,"
"our autonomy, our human essence HAS US! Then perhaps after "
"sufficiently exhausting ourselves, we all need to refuse to be part"
"of the social contract, we need to withdraw our implied and "
"expected consent from the bullying, symbolic and actual violence "
"that IS all of society and all of CULT-URE, all of LAW?FLAW and all"
"of money! "
" "
" "
" "
"Chapter 15 "
" "
" "
" "
" "
"We can, little by little, gradual retrieve of our essence, our "
"HUMAN ESSENCE, by all of us INDIVIDUALLY becoming SOMEWHAT "
"withdrawn from the bullying process that society is, by becoming "
"civil to ourselves BEFORE we are civil to others, even our, god "
"forbid! our families of origin! "
"We can, for instance begin to "sleep in" more in order to begin to "
"undo the stress that society and CULTURE, LAW/FLAW, MONEY and yes, "
"even, (especially?) our family places upon us. "
" "
"We can start with "baby steps." Instead of answering the phone with"
"curiosity of who is calling, we can state a demand for what we want"
"and what we deserve. I often answer my phone with "Make me laugh, "
"or I am hanging up!"instead of "Hello". You can come up with what "
"is your own unique, priority "answer" to the ringing request for "
"YOU. I sometimes just answer the phone with "This is Barbara", "
"because I prefer making statements rather that asking "Hello", "
"because along with "Hello" the unspoken question "Who is this?" is "
"implied- though with caller ID , if you have it (I have pre caller "
"ID enabled phones) calls can be pre screened. "
" "
"You may say to yourself and/or to others something like" I am on "
"strike against all of society and all of CULT-URE and all of "
"LAW/FLAW", or something to the effect that: "I are working on there"
"being a 'me" TO answer the phone, so "I" am only PRACTICING to "
"answer the phone, at this time", etc. You may decide to go on a "
"general HUMAN strike, and instead of going to work, you may decide "
"to go to bed. We all deserve to recuperate FROM the PTSD bullying, "
"the symbolic and actual violence that IS all of society, all of "
"CULT-URE and all of LAW/FLAW and money. "
" "
"Before you say to yourself that you need society, CULT-URE and "
"LAW/FLAW and money in order TO live in the first place, think about"
"how and IF you ARE surviving at all, in fact. Perhaps we are all "
"just going through the motions of survival, as if on auto pilot. "
"Perhaps instead of LIVING, distractions and denials do the living "
"and the surviving in place of us. "
" "
"A good test is to see if you even CAN EXTRICATE yourself from your"
"society, for even just a while. See if your society, or your family"
"of origin, or even your significant other VALUES you, your right to"
"withdraw long enough to recuperate from all the trauma of what "
"society is. See if society, etc., immediately starts devaluing you,"
"even calls you crazy, etc., in a reaction to what is, in reality, "
"you reclaiming yourself FOR/TO YOURSELF. "
" "
"Society may DISOWN you, attempt to shame and make you into a pariah"
"and try to force you to continue "BEING" the illusion that you are "
"to yourself, a slave to society, etc. "
" "
" "
" "
" "
"Chapter 16 "
" "
" "
" "
" "
"Of course we all need our basic needs met and we have to use "
"something to achieve that, even if and or when we are isolated, "
"temporary, etc., recluses. There are alternatives to money, i.e., "
"bartering, etc. What is important after we provide our most basic "
"ABSOLUTE human needs to ourselves, is to think about what excessive"
"money is DOING to you: Money is making you defensive. "
" "
"Those of you who are reading this that have a lot of money "
"(relatively speaking, that is, meaning beyond what is needed for "
"basic survival) may have become anxious because money may be your "
"priority, your belief system by which you order your life, Money "
"may be your life fantasy, your PERFORMANCE life fantasy that you "
"take as BEING LIFE ITSELF! "
" "
"Money may be your "drug" of choice, and if your belief in the "
"illusion that it is, is taken away, you may be thrust into an "
"anxiety of ambiguity, which is similar to what may happen if you "
"risk daring to even question whether others are a toxic FORCE "
"symbolically and/or actually bullying you and demanding that "you" "
"remain an ILLUSION to "YOU" by remaining co-opted in society, "
"CULT-URE, LAW/FLAW! "
" "
" "
" "
" Ego and drama limited me to performing for others. Needing "
"external social and cultural acceptance prevented me from creating "
"my performing for and with myself. I began my life in oppositional "
"defiance to the female gender, I was a "tom-boy". Then I tried to "
""belong" as a female, always being mystified by what seemed to be "
"feminine charm. "
" "
"I started breaking free from social and cultural identities, and "
"this freed up my energies and allowed me to exist for and with my "
"self. This emerging identity, call it my own unique femaleness, "
"etc., now "performs" for me. This is a kind of confidence that has "
"been earned by risking to go beyond what is considered to be "
"politically correct, especially embracing what is uniquely and "
"instinctually and intuitively intimate to me: my dark "side" as "
"well as my light "side". "
" "
"I have dared to consider what others want to deny exists, and for "
"that I have been branded an "inconvenient female", called "Mr. "
"Todish", been banned by academic associations, thoroughly "
"dehumanized, demonized and, though it is practically impossible to "
"prove it, I may even be the subject of a witch hunt, or worse. "
"Instead of remaining emotionally defensive and reactive, I have, "
"whenever, and wherever possible, begun to be intentional skeptical,"
"(some say I'm obnoxious) instead of naive. I have begun putting "
"the groundwork in place for an OBNOXIOUSNESS OLYMPICS! "
" "
"This is because IMHO, it seems like just about everything and "
"everybody is obnoxious these days,(granted the majority of people, "
"or more accurately, "sheeple", want to deny that obnoxiousness is "
"what we take for "civility" today) from negative political ads, to "
"all advertising, and just about all communication. "
" "
"I have decided to try to commercialize and monetize obnoxiousness "
"and turn it into a substitute for money! Imagine who will have the "
"advantage in this kind of obnoxiousness: those who have embraced "
"their DARK SIDES! Those who have DENIED their DARK SIDES would be "
""penniless"! What exquisite justice that would be! "
" "
"Those who welcome their dark sides as an essential electric type "
""currency" will have "cornered" this new "energy-commodity-utility""
"and will be able to "market" it as "holding companies" that others "
"can buy "stock" in. Only those with their dark energy sides freely "
""outed" would be considered as "transformer-performers" in life, "
"whereas all others would be considered apprentices, "
"performers-in-training. "
" "
" "
" "
" "
"Chapter 17 "
" "
" "
" "
"But seriously, though, I HAVE tried to transcend performance while "
"trying to be within the acceptable, politically correct boundaries "
"of social, cultural norms (except when and if the most rudimentary "
"physical core of my being is immediately and absolutely, instead of"
"relatively, i.e., dramatically, at risk) and THAT IS A POOR EXCUSE "
"FOR LIFE, IMHO! All the money, all the awards, all the external "
"adoration in and of the world, is worthless if you have to deny any"
"part of you, because when you deny your dark side, you deny part of"
"your confidence! When you allow your entire self to emerge, then "
"you can bring that entire self to any and all of your life "
"performance! "
" "
"With this complete confidence, then you can evolve. This next step "
"in evolutionary development may be transcending performance "
"altogether, and all identity, as well: race, gender, ethnicity, "
"religion, etc. In other words, you become so confident that you "
"want a challenge instead of wanting identity, etc. Of course for "
"this to be an optimal challenge, namely the "OBNOXIOUSNESS "
"OLYMPICS", there first, out of necessity, must be basic existence "
"for all "entrants", where the basic necessities of life are "
"present. Without basic necessities any identity at all, and any "
"intent is premature because instead of having existence, existence "
"HAS you, your identity, your intent, etc. "
" "
"In addition to "The Obnoxiousness Olympics" perhaps we need a way "
"to transcend all communication so that instead of JUDGING what is "
"OBNOXIOUS or even what is funny, we ABSOLUTELY become the identity "
"instead of judge it! Subliminal limitlessness! "
" "
" "
" "
" "
" "
" EPILOGUE"
" "
" "

In other words, maybe we are mere toxic viral FUNGAL parasites IN the COP!
Perhaps we are all cosmic parasites in the COP and the COP is host to our
pre evolution. If we are cosmic parasites perhaps we have a responsibility
to transcend our toxicity by and through love and through love (self
validity, etc.,) evolution the process we are going through in the COP, may
be the way to transcendent evolution.
 
 
Whether I am a virus, etc., I still go on now trying to be aware of what I
call SUBLIMINAL TRANSCENDENCE. Perhaps just focusing on being totally, or
as much as is possible, IN the present IS being subliminal. To put it
simply, I now always try to BE present without ego and drama.

Anyway, awareness is still very new to me. I just "existed", robot like,
until recently, and since I "found" my lost sense of humor and started
taking EVERYTHING less seriously, except for ABSOLUTELY IMMANENT life or
death issues, of course) life has been, well, LIMITLESS love and humor and
CONFIDENCE. (Part of the confidence is that I regained self esteem (or
obtained it for the very 1st time, perhaps) via sleeping a lot! (I "put"
myself in a kind of voluntary "coma", I call myself Ripette Van Winkle!
lol) There are some other things, kind of hints, concepts, etc., almost
magic "tricks" that worked for me that I want to share, i.e., in this book,
etc.

Imagine a "Social Torture Olympics" where we all compete with how we have
all undergone social torture, if not actual, physical torture. Sometimes,
we endure both. Perhaps we all dramatize social and even physical torture-
because, as Nietzsche said: "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you
stronger"!












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