Biblical conflict resolution

BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION
FOR YOUNG COUPLES
IN A LOCAL CHURCH












by

Evgeny Bakhmutsky









A Research Paper


Submitted to Dr. David Mappes
in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for the course
The Centrality of scripture: MP2
at Baptist Bible Seminary






Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania
May 2012





TABLE OF CONTENTS


LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS IV

Chapter

Introduction 1

BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION 5

What does God think about conflicts? 6

The nature of conflicts 7

Biblical examples of people who didn't resolved conflicts 10

SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES CONFLICT RESOLUTION 26

1 Peter 3:8-9 26

Ephesians 4:25-32 31

What culturally prevent young couples from having effective communication
in russia 38

Practical ideas on resolving conflicts 42

How to avoid conflict 42

How to resolve conflicts 43

Practical tips 45

Appendix

Conversation starters 50

Questions for conversation 52

Weekly connection times with your spouse 54

Monthly planning times with your spouses 55

Practical wisdom from the book of proverbs 59

Bibliography 66




List of Abbreviations
















































CHAPTER 1
INTRODUCTION

The issue of biblical counseling for young families is quite relevant today
in Russian evangelical churches, particularly in the area of communication
and conflict resolution. There are several reasons for this:
1. Many young people joined church recently and do not have Christian
background and education. Therefore, they require special care in the first
years of their marriage.
2. Besides, they just started the process of building relationships in a
marriage. They have got
New status
New relationships
New duties, etc.
All of this affects the family climate and forms the basis for potential
family conflicts.
3. Society does not encourage young couples in building good family
relationships. There are few examples to follow. And the situation is
getting worse.
For instance, today's divorce rate in Russia reached an unheard of number.
In 2011 Russia ranked first in the list of countries with greatest number
of divorced people in the world[1]. Each year U.N.O. publishes its
Demographic Yearbook. In Russia there are 5 divorces per 1000 people. This
is the highest rate in the world.
For comparison in USA it is 3.4 divorces per 1000 people.
Besides, Russia is followed by Belorussia, Ukraine, and Moldova.
Think of it, of 140mln people living in our country 1.5mln are divorced.
Besides, these people have children, parents, relatives, and friends – thus
actual number of people affected by the problem is much greater.
Divorces in our society resemble an epidemic. One could hardly find anyone
who was not either directly or indirectly involved in these sad
circumstances.
According to official statistics every second marriage ends in divorce. A
decade earlier it was every third marriage. For e.g. in Moscow for every 10
marriages there are 5-6 divorces[2].
Divorces are more frequent in age group from 18 to 35. Therefore, it is
young couples who are at the maximum risk[3]
"#Yeats "% "
"Less than 1 yr "3,6 "
"1-2 yrs "16 "
"2-4 yrs "18 "
"5-9 yrs "28 "
"10-19 yrs "22 "
"Core than 20 yrs "12,4 "

The situation is no better with the unregistered civil marriages.
According to the social surveys civil marriages rarely last longer than 5
years. They either end after 2-3 years or the couple proceeds to official
registration[4].
Nowadays in Russia for every 100 marriages there are 80 divorces[5].
4. This is why Christian families experience pressure from the surrounding
community and not everyone withstands. Unfortunately while in previous
generations divorce amidst Christians was exceptional and practically did
not exist, today we encounter this phenomenon in Christian churches more
often.
One of the major underlying causes of divorces is the problem of
communication. All latest surveys relating to family conflicts point to
this.[6].
Wayne A.Mack notes it by saying[7]:
«Wherever you find marital failure, you will find a breakdown in real
communication. Wherever you find marital success, you will find a good
communication system»
What is more the institution of marriage was designed by God for
communication. Jay Adams notice it in one of his book when he was
answering the question what is marriage. He writes[8]:
«God's answer we found in the book of Genesis - 2:18.
«It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit
for him.»
In other words, marriage was created for resolving loneliness problem of
Adam. He was alone and God says that it's not good. So that the essence of
marriage is in communication»
In a day when multitudes of marriages end in divorce, God has given
Christians the governing principles and guidelines for marriage. When we
apply godly living and obedience to our marriages, we can experience a
happy and enduring marriage relationship.
Marriage is never a one way street. It constantly takes adjustment and
work. When God's guidelines are followed, a marriage can be a blessing,
instead of a blight, a triumph instead of a tragedy.
Marriage can actually be an exciting, fulfilling, and a most rewarding
experience in life. A successful marriage is not a gift; it is an
achievement.




















CHAPTER 2
BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflicts are not something alien or strange to a family life. Presence of
our sinful nature itself would not allow us to escape conflicts.
Mark Driscoll says in his new book about marriage[9]:
If you are married, you will have conflict. You cannot avoid it because
marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
1 sinner + 1 sinner is not 0 conflict»
But conflicts can help us to get deeper and better relationship in we will
face and resolve then in a biblical way. Such process will bring glory to
God and allows to bring new joy into family life. If we would try to deal
with conflicts in other ways instead of biblical - it may ruin our family
and decrease level of our relationship and trust.
Gary & Betsy Ricucci strongly encourage couples try to resolved conflicts
instead of avoiding them. They say [10]:
So many couples spend their lives avoiding conflicts. They choose a
superficial «peace at any price» - a price much higher than they realize.
Acknowledging sin, confessing sin, asking forgiveness, and repenting of the
sin that leads to conflict is humbling, challenging, and can be painful.
But to the end it brings the grace of God and the restoration of harmony
and relational intimacy

This work is designed to define some key biblical principles which give
young couples to develop much better and more effective communication in
their families.
First we will study some biblical examples and some biblical passages which
will show danger and range of problems unresolved conflicts.
Next part will be devoted to the biblical approach of resolving conflicts
and developing effective communication in a young family.
The final part will describe main today reasons which cause conflicts in
young families. And some practical hints and ideas will be given in order
to prevent or to resolve possible or present conflict situations.
First, we will need to introduce the definition of a conflict which will be
use in this paper. Famous Christian mediator and counselor Alfred Poirier
gives a such definition [11]:
The word conflict conjures all sorts of connotations. For the sake of
simplicity, we will define conflict as a difference in opinion or purpose
that frustrates someone's goals or desires. That is, conflict results when
my desires, expectations, fears, or wants collide with your desires,
expectations, fears, or wants. Most important, this definition directs our
attention to the heart of much conflict by speaking of those differences
that frustrate someone's goals or desires

In relativity, in simple words - conflict means that a husband and a wife
sin against each other - through deeds, words, attitude. In consequence -
working against each other.


What Does God think about conflicts?

Let's have a look at several passages from the Bible:
1."You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder;
and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that
everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever
insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You
fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire» - Matthew 5:21-22
The conflict in this text is so desperate in God's view that it is a good
account to be sent to hell because that conflict carries multiple
destruction and terrible consequences.

2. «So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that
your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the
altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer
your gift» - Matthew 5:23-24
In this passage we can see that the resolution of the conflict was more
important than a gift to God was. That is why the resolution of a conflict
is prioritized and very important to God Himself.
3.«If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all» -
Romans 12:18
Therefore God wants us to look for peace (compare with Rom.14:19;
Eph.4:1,3; Heb.12:14
4. «Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good» - Romans 12:21
God wants us to do good even for those who sin against us (compare with
Matt.5:44-45; 1 Cor.10:31-32).
That is exactly why it is crucial to find ways of solving conflicts,
especially if they are family conflicts. That is God's command and the
basis for joyful family relations. Unfortunately, not every family couples
understand this and they do not solve their conflicts. It leads to very
deplorable results.

The nature of conflicts (what causes conflicts)
1.Discrepancy of Opinions
For instance, between Paul and Barnabas. Barnabas thought about giving
another chance to Mark, as for Paul, he thought it was not worth of putting
a threat on their expedition because of one man who had already let them
down before (Acts 15:37-40).



2.Offending Words or Actions
«When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains
his lips is prudent.» - Prov.10:19
Conflicts often start with offending words or sarcasm.
«Honey, I'm sorry for being late. I've been delayed at work» - «If you were
to chose you would never return»
«Sweetheart, I just came in a second ago and realized that I had forgotten
to buy some bread» - «I wonder how come you had not forgotten to clean up
your mind?»

3.Arrogance and Carnal Nature (Gal.5:19-21; James 4:1-3)
Gal. 5:19-20 «Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality,
impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of
anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions»
It is ok to disagree with someone but when you put a lot of emotions in it
that what may lead you to some issues. When your disagreements are spiced
up with insolent words or hurtful actions they are caused conflicts.
Different opinions and disagreements are acceptable, as for conflicts -
never. The difference between disagreement and conflict is the emotional
part.
Do not justify your proneness to conflicts by saying that you are very
emotional person. We need to learn how to control our emotions. It is more
difficult to do if you are emotional and a bit easier if you are a quiet
person. To control our emotions is a MUST for each and one of us.

James 4:1-3 «What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it
not this, that your passions are at war within you? (Passion is a
fleshly/carnal desire to do anything the way you want it to) You desire and
do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and
quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not
receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions».
Self-indulgence + Unwillingness to Comply = Conflict
Thoughts that lead to a conflict.
It is simply stupid!
It is going to be my way nevertheless!
How could she!
Nobody can treat me like that!

Thoughts that could help to avoid a conflict.
What she is saying is partially right...
It is not necessarily to be my way
I need to pray for her
How can I honor her?

Benefits from Thinking Differently and Disagreements
1.They make us study the Scripture more deeply (Psalm 118:71-72).
2.They help us to think back of what we genuinely think, what we believe in
and why we believe (Proverbs 15:28).
3.They help us to interact more efficiently (Ephisians 4:25).
4.They cause patience and matureness (James 1:2-5).
5.Due to some disagreements we can make each other better people (Proverbs
27:17).
6.They strengthen our faith that God is above all circumstances and guide
us to goodness/welfare (Romans 8:28-29)
7.They give us an opportunity to practice our humbleness and submission,
and to serve to each other. (Philippians 2:2-3, Romans 12:10)
8.They give us capability to love and worship God (1 Corinthians 10:31-32

Biblical examples of people who didn't resolved conflicts
To understand what makes communication work well, it might help to
understand first what makes it fail. James provides the answer for that.
The straightforward question is asked: «what is the source of quarrels and
conflicts among you?» (4:1). The equally clear answer is: «is not the
source your [hedonistic] pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust
and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain;
so you fight and quarrel» (4:1b-2).
As was mentioned before and we need to admit it - the main reason of family
conflict is our selfishness, our egoism.
How we can fight this problem? To please God, to seek Him as apostle Paul
says in the book of Colossians.
«1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are
above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds
on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.» - Col.3:1-2
Our obedience to God's Word and help of the Holy Spirit by God's grace will
help us to hit the heart of our conflicts.[12].
There are only 2 marriages which remain our of 10 after 10 years of family
life in Russia [13]. About 2/3 of Russian families had a divorce experience
[14].
These statistics reveals at least three facts about marital «conflict and
communication» in Russia:
People too quickly merry (first choice in marriage is usually seen as the
best choice)
It's not so hard to find a person to marry, but find it very difficult to
remain married to that person.
People are able to work through pre-marital conflict well enough to get
married, but are unable to work through marital conflict well enough to
remain married
This is what we see at our days in our culture. And we need to prepare
young people and young families not to be trapped with these things, and
teach them how to resolved different family conflicts.
Chip Ingram accurately takes notice differences between God's plan for
relationship in family and what we see or hear from our society. He puts
his observation into the table[15]:
"Hollywood formula of "God's plan for relationship "
"relationship " "
"1.Find a suitable person "1.To become an appropriate "
" "person "
"2.To fall in love with him/her"2.To live in love "
"3.To put all my hope and dream"3.To trust the Lord and to "
"on him/her "please Him in your relatioship"
"4.In a case of failure try "4.In a case of failure try "
"again first 3 steps "again first 3 steps "


We clearly see that worldly philosophy doesn't encourage a person to
resolve conflicts and try to build a deeper relationship. This is the
reason why our world has become long time ago already a place filled with
divorces and remarriages.
The Bible has many passages which will help to find the best answers for
conflict resolutions. There are many passages and stories where conflicts
were resolved in a good way, also there are many which show to us how we
don't need to resolve conflict. Also there are many stories about
unresolved conflicts. We will take a look at some of them.

David and Michal
We will start to illustrate these carnal factors in the marital conflict
between David and Michal[16] and Michal's father (Saul) and how they
further inflamed their marital conflict.
This love story also has an interfering parent (1 Sam.18:21-29). This is
one reason God forewarned parents and those marrying about leaving and
cleaving:
«For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave
to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.» (Gen.2:24, Matt.19:5,
Eph.5:31).
This is also a story about couple not cleaving (intimacy of togetherness)
into one flesh and the heartaches that come from the two carnal factors
mentioned by Peter (1 Pet.3:8-9) which we will study later in this paper.
It looks like Michal's story begins with love. The narrator tells us that
"Michal, Saul's daughter, loved David" (1 Sam.18:20). David was Michal's
first love. 
David was completely irresistible as an unfailing winner of all battles and
a national hero of Israel and Judah (1 Sam 18:16). At the same time his
ever-growing popularity was a threat to the king Saul, Michal's father.
Saul was madly jealous (madly, indeed) of David's fame and treated the
young soldier with paranoid suspiciousness. Such an air of danger and
adventure about David was the more attractive to Michal. The story begins
like a fairy-tale: here is a Princess and a charming Knight. But you and I
know that the maladies will follow for he is a competitor of the King, her
very father. Instead of a malicious step-mother dreaming of Princess' death
we have a blood-thirsty father seeking to devour the budding Prince.
Michal was the youngest of Saul's five children (1 Sam.14:49). She appears
on the Biblical scene when David hits national top charts of heroes by
slaughtering Goliath, the giant Philistine warrior who mocked Israel troops
and threatened to turn them into slaves (1 Sam. 17:8-9). Saul has already
offered David his older daughter Merab as a wife as a reward for his
valiance and triumph over the naughty enemy. Deep in his heart Saul hoped
to hold power over David through their family ties. David refused the offer
by humbly pointing out that his shepherd breed prevents him from grafting
into the royal tree. Such humbleness was definitely very appealing. So,
courageous Michal dared to disclose her deep feelings for David.
The remark of Michal loving David (1 Sam. 18:20) is the only explicit
phrase in the Bible on a woman's love for a man. She seems to be a strong-
willed lady used to get what she wanted – and now she wanted to marry
David. She may have told herself that having turned down her older sister,
Merab, David will definitely find her irresistible.
Saul was full of joy when he learned of Michal's love for David (1 Sam.
18:20). It was not the wellbeing of his daughter that caused his joy – it
was his chance to put David out of the way while Michal would play a role
of his unconscious accomplice as David's bride. Saul agreed to this
marriage expecting its expiration before the start – for David would surely
be killed by Philistines while on his hunt for ransom for the bride – a
hundred of Philistines' foreskins.
Saul was an extremely self-enamored man with a head swelled so much that he
craved for constant applause and approval and couldn't stand someone else
getting any attention and honors. He didn't sympathize with his own
children. His own future concerned him far more than his daughters'. Michal
was an instrument he used to achieve his own goals, namely, David's demise.
He didn't bother if his plan would cause great suffering to Michal. He
didn't care if his daughter would forever blame herself for her lover's
death knowing he died trying to satisfy her father's condition of their
marriage.
Some scholars suppose, David's compliance with this marriage was caused by
his own pride and self-conceit. He might have liked the idea of becoming
the king's son-in-law and obtaining the power tied to it (1 Sam. 18:26).
Joining the royal family would be a likely career-booster, a further step
leading to the throne which would inevitably be his as was prophesied by
Samuel (1 Sam.16:1-13). It boils down to both men, Saul and David, using
Michal as a mere means of reaching their selfish ambitious goals[17].
To be fair, I should note here that Bible doesn't explicitly state David's
motives behind his acceptance of Saul's offer and agreement to marry
Michal.
God had anointed David to be a king whose name will forever be entwined
with Messiah's genealogy. Nevertheless, David was definitely not fail-
proof. I am sure he was likely not a gentle, caring and devoted husband.
The Bible reveals him abusing his power over other people to satisfy his
personal desires.
Michal's motives, on the other hand, were probably not those of an innocent
baby, too. If she marries David, and David becomes a king, then she becomes
a queen. It could be an appealing perspective to her. We can't know for
sure. We might as well suppose her love for David was as sincere as
Jonathan's love. David risks his life before he marries her, and she will
risk hers to save him later.
Saul's deadly plan failed and he was bound to wed his daughter to his worst
enemy. His youngest daughter's marriage, a happy event in most of the
families, was an onset of Saul's new attempts to get rid of his son-in-law.
Saul once more demonstrates his ultimate disregard of Michal's feelings. He
sent his slaves to kill David in his daughter's bed (1 Sam. 19:1). Somehow,
Michal sensed the danger and was faced with a choice whether to side with
her father or her husband. She chose David.
Michal eased him down from her window in a basket so he could escape. Then
she won him time by cheating king's slaves and telling them he is ill and
bedridden. As a further cover up, she employed an ancient trick of a fake
body in a bed: under the blanket she placed her stone idol with its head
covered with goat's hair (1 Sam. 19:12). Ironically, the hunk of stone
lying in her bed in David's place symbolizes the kind of a husband David
will be to her. It also tells up a lot about her spiritual condition.
We don't know what the last conversation between David and Michal was
before their parting. Were they swearing of eternal love to each other? Was
he promising her to come back and get her?
In addition to being abandoned by David running from Saul's anger, Michal
was left to face her father's full-blown fury. Trying to avoid the conflict
she lies ones more: "He said to me, 'Let me go! Why should I put you to
death?'" (1 Sam. 19:17).
To Saul, David's flight meant legal divorce. Saul had an exclusive right to
give her to anyone he wishes and so he gave her to Palti (1 Sam. 25:44).
She had no choice and no chance to voice her opinion on her own destiny.
Some time passed, and upon Saul's death David finally became a king. But
the Northern tribes loyal to Saul bothered him. Looking for a way to win
the submission of the North David decided to reunite with Saul's daughter.
Thus, Saul's line would be joined with David's and would produce a legal
offspring with a rich political heredity by being a child of a present king
and a grandchild of a former one. Michal once again fell victim to David's
political games.
During a negotiation with Saul's weakening leaders David demanded Saul's
daughter, his wife ransomed with a hundred Philistine foreskins, to be
brought back to him. He called her "Saul's daughter" which stresses the
fact that she interested him only as a political tool. David was about to
strengthen his power, not to reclaim his first wife who loved him to the
point of risking her life trying to save him from her father's rage. At the
moment, David had six wives and six sons born to them (2 Sam. 3:2-5).
Michal's comeback was solely a political move[18].
The only survivor of Saul's house, Ish-bosheth, in a feeble attempt to
please David betrayed his own sister plucking her from the arms of her new
husband. Wailing Palti followed the abductors hoping against hope that they
will let her go back to him. It was clear he loved her. But his devotion
was nothing in comparison to the sovereign will of David who was determined
to put her back into his ever-widening harem. Palti's case proved Samuel's
words to be true: a warning of the harm a king would bring upon Israelites
if they put him as a ruler instead of God (1 Sam. 8:11-18). David acted
against the law: Moses' Law was clear on the case of a man divorcing his
wife (David abandoned Michal all right. He cared for his own parents enough
to move them closer to his house, but failed to rescue his legal wife). The
wife should not be reclaimed back into the wedlock with him (Deut. 24:1-4).
The law was aimed on guarding against the situation when the former husband
ruins a new family. There is another God's command he broke – for a king to
keep from multiplying the number of his wives (Deut. 17:17).
The text is silent on Michal's feelings about her abduction. She barely
could have wanted to get back to David. His violence is outrageous – he
trampled people's rights and feelings for his selfish desires. He was
determined to return evil for evil and insult for insult (2 Sam.6:15-23;
Prov.16:2, 17:13, 20:3).
 Nothing is said about them being reunited. In the past Michal saved
David's life by helping him escape from Saul's slaves. Now David stole her
new life, a promise of happiness with an affectionate husband who, sadly,
was defenseless against the royal power.
This love story ends in sadness and despair:
1.«she despised David in her heart» (2 Sam.6:16)
Missing from the procession bringing the ark to Jerusalem was "Michal
daughter of Saul" (v. 16), who viewed the festivities from a palace window.
It is unclear why Michal was absent from the event, since other women were
permitted to be present (cf. v. 19), but the tone of the passage suggests
that it was due to her jaded attitude toward the Lord and his anointed;
previously she had been connected with the use of a teraphim, an object
considered an abomination to the Lord (cf. 1 Sam 15:23; 19:13). Michal
could have resented David for forcing her to leave Paltiel as well (cf.
3:14–16). During the triumphal moments when the ark passed through the
streets of the royal fortress, David's unbounded enthusiasm for his God
expressed itself in "leaping and dancing before the Lord" (v. 16). His
enthusiasm was not appreciated by Michal. In her attitudes and actions she
was truly a "daughter of Saul" (vv. 20, 23) and not a wife of David.[19]
2.«and Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.»
(2 Sam.6:23, Prov.14:10).
Whereas the people responded to David's leadership enthusiastically,
David's own wife rejected it. She despised her husband for his humility
before the Lord. He had behaved as a servant of God. She thought he should
have behaved in a more distinguished manner. David promised her that the
Lord would give him distinction. He did not need to claim that for himself.
The honor of Yahweh was more important to David than his own dignity. In
this he set us all a good example. As a result of her attitude toward God
and His anointed, Michal suffered barrenness the rest of her life. This
was, of course, the opposite of fruitfulness and fertility that result from
responding properly to God and His anointed.
It may be that God shut Michal's womb as a judgment on her for her
attitude. I think it is more probable, in view of the record of antagonism
that precedes verse 23, that we should infer that David had no more
intimate relations with her. He had other wives and concubines, and he
could have fulfilled his sexual desires without Michal. If this
interpretation is correct, we have here another instance of David failing
God in his family relations. He should have taken the initiative to heal
the breach in his relations with Michal that this chapter records and not
to have allowed them to continue. Even when we are right, as David was, we
must be sensitive to the feelings of those who are wrong, as Michal was,
and seek to resolve interpersonal conflicts.
«The writer . . . does not question the historically crucial fact of
David's divine election, so prominently stressed by the king himself at the
beginning of his speech; but theological rights do not necessarily justify
domestic wrongs, and the anointed monarch of Israel may still be a harsh
and unfeeling husband to the woman who has loved him and saved his
life.»[20]
Marital conflict fought «in the flesh» (carnality of our sinful nature) (1
Cor.3:1-3; 1 Pet.2:11) has been described as two snakes taking each other
by the tail and swallowing each other. Paul warns about this danger in
(Gal.5:15) «But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be
consumed by one another.» (See also Prov.19:11)



2.Adam and Eve (Genesis 3)
Adam and Eve's marriage is another example of poor communications and
unresolved marital conflict in a family that resulted in painful
consequences.
The Bible does not specifically say so, but the honeymoon for Adam and Eve
probably lasted much longer than a month. Only God knows how many days,
months or years of pure ecstasy lie between chapters 2 and 3 of Genesis.
But for sure, no human relationship ever surpassed theirs in those early
days for sheer joy and delight. It was, without a doubt, the perfect
marriage.
They had a wonderful beginning. If ever a marriage was made in heaven, this
one was. It was perfectly planned and perfectly performed by a perfect God.

First of all, the Lord sculptured Adam (Gen. 2:7). Adam had a flawless
physique and ruggedly handsome features. He was made in God's own image
(Gen. 1:27) that means he had a Godlike personality— intellect, emotions,
and will. He possessed a brilliant mind, undiminished by sin. He had
faultless emotions, including tender and totally unselfish love, like the
love of God. He had a will that was in complete harmony with the purposes
of his creator - what women, wouldn't like to have a man like that:
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually perfect
Next God formed Eve (Gen. 2:21-22). Adam must have gazed at Eve with awe
and appreciation. This was God's creative genius at its best, unblemished
grace and beauty fashioned by the hand of God, Eve had to be the most
gorgeous creature who ever walked the face of the earth, like Adam, she
was made in God's image; her mind, emotions, and will were unaffected by
sin what man wouldn't go for a woman like that
Adam quickly recognized Eve's similarity to himself (Gen.2:23) - no special
revelation from God was needed for Adam to knew that Eve was made from him:
she was part of him; she was his equal; she was his complement and
counterpart, she ended his loneliness and filled his life with happiness,
she was exactly what he needed, and nothing brought her more satisfaction
than the knowledge that he needed her. They found intense and indescribable
pleasure in each other's company
Their home was located in Eden, the perfect place (Gen. 2:8). Eden was a
luscious green paradise, with every beautiful and edible growing thing
(Gen. 2:9-10). They cultivated the ground, and their work was totally
effortless and enjoyable side by side they lived and labored in perfect
harmony, sharing a sense of mutual interdependence. They possessed a deep-
flowing affection that bound their spirits to each other.
There was an order of authority in their relationship. Adam was formed
first, then Eve (1 Tim. 2:13). Eve was made for Adam, not Adam for Eve (1
Corinthians 11:9). She was his helper (Gen. 2:18). In order to be an
effective helper she had to share all of life with him. She did everything
a helper would be expected to do: she assisted him, encouraged him, advised
him, and inspired him. We could say that she did it with a spirit of sweet
submissiveness. Adam never resented her help, not even her advice; because
that is why God gave her to him. Neither did she resent his leadership. His
attitude was never tainted with superiority or exploitation: how could it
be, his love was perfect. She was someone special to him and he treated her
as such
It was a relationship of perfect purity and innocence (Gen. 2:25). There
was no sin in them, there was no strife between them. They were at peace
with God, at peace with themselves, and at peace with each other. This was
truly the perfect marriage, how we wish it would have lasted.
But something happened that messed up this perfect marriage: the entrance
of sin (Gen. 3:1-7). There is no doubt that the subtle tempter who
approached Eve in this historical account was Satan:
- his first approach was to question the Word of God - Gen. 3:1
after he questioned God's Word, he flatly denied it - Gen. 3:4
finally, he ridiculed God and brazenly distorted His Word - Gen. 3:5
They would know evil all right, but they would not be as God. In reality
the very opposite would be true, because the likeness to God they did enjoy
would be scarred and spoiled. Satan's methods have not changed much through
the centuries: the doubts, distortions, and denials. We too fall prey to
them, we can identify with Eve, we know what it is to yield to temptation.
Satan used the tree of the knowledge of good and evil to do his sinister
work. God placed the tree in the garden to be the symbol of Adam and Eve's
submission to Him (Gen. 2:17). Satan sometimes uses good things to lure us
from God's will (Gen. 3:6).
Eve was tempted in all three major areas listed in 1 John 2:16:
the lust of the flesh— «good for food»
the lust of the eyes— «a delight to the eyes»
the pride of life— «to make one wise»
These are the same areas Satan uses to get us out of sorts with God and
with each other
Instead of fleeing from temptation, Eve flirted with it, and then took it
(Gen. 3:6). She had everything a person could want in life, but she stood
there and allowed her mind to meditate on the one thing she did not. It
brought her happy honeymoon to an unhappy termination
When we allow our minds to covet material things, God calls it idolatry
(Col. 3:5)
The words «gave also to her husband with her» might imply that Adam watched
her do it (Gen.3:6). Actually ESV translates more accurately - «she also
gave some to her husband who was with her». Also close context supports
this idea. Adam was responsible for the Fall.
We have no idea why he did not try to stop her, or why he did not refuse to
follow her in her sin. But we do know that he failed her woefully on this
occasion. He neglected to provide the spiritual leadership God wanted him
to provide, and instead he let her lead him into sin
What a powerful influence a woman has over her man:
she can use it to challenge him to new heights of spiritual accomplishment
she can use it to drag him to depths of shame
God gave Eve to Adam to be his helper, but her covetous heart destroyed
him.
Together they waited for the new delights of divine wisdom Satan had
promised them
- instead, a horrid sense of guilt and shame crept over them (Gen. 3:7)
- that's the way it is with sin, it promises so much and delivers so little
it promises freedom, wisdom, and pleasure, but it delivers bondage, guilt,
shame, and death
We see the very painful aftermath. Sin is accompanied by disastrous
consequences whether or not we are willing to accept the blame for it:
Adam blamed his part of the tragedy on Eve and God (Gen. 3:12)
Eve said the devil made her do it (Gen. 3:13)
In much the same way, we may try to blame our marital problems on someone
else. But God held them both responsible, just as he holds each of us
responsible for our part of the blame
The consequences were almost more than Adam and Eve could bear
For Eve (Gen. 3:16)
the pain of childbirth would be a recurring reminder of her sin. She would
also experience an unquenchable yearning for her husband, a strong desire
for his time, his attention, his affection, and his assurance. Her need
would be so great, her sinful husband would seldom be willing to meet it.
the authority Adam possessed over Eve from creation was strengthened by the
word "rule". In the hands of a sinful man, that rule would degenerate at
times to harsh and heartless domination disregard for her feelings and
disdain for her opinions. Eve was no doubt painfully irritated by the sting
of her sin as Adam drifted farther from her. He paid less attention to her,
and became preoccupied with other things bitterness, resentment, and
rebellion began to settle in her soul
For Adam
- cultivating the ground became an endless, tedious chore. Fnxiety over his
ability to provide for his family added to his agitation and irritability.
This made him less sympathetic to his wife's needs. As a result, conflict
entered their home, sin always brings tension, strife, and conflict. This
became painfully obvious to Adam and Eve as they stood beside the first
grave in human history. The honeymoon was over
This would be the saddest story ever told if not for a glorious ray of hope
(Gen. 3:15). God promised that the seed of the woman would destroy the
works of the devil, including the havoc he had made of the home. This is
the first biblical prophecy concerning the coming Redeemer. He has come and
His perfect blood has covered the sins of every human being who will trust
him. He offers to forgive us freely and restore us to His favor.
He makes available to us His supernatural strength to help us live above
our sin. He can even help us overcome sin's consequences in our marital
relationships
He can give husbands the same tender love and unselfish consideration that
Adam had for Eve before they sinned
He can give wives the same encouraging helpfulness and sweet submissiveness
that Eve had toward Adam before the Fall
In other words, the honeymoon can begin again:
we must first receive Jesus Christ as Savior from our sin
there is no hope for a marital relationship to become all it can be until
both husband and wife have forgiveness and acceptance by God
this assurance can be experienced when we acknowledged our sin and placed
our trust in Jesus Christ.

Elkanah and Hannah (1 Sam.1:1-20)
The marriage of Hannah and Elkanah is our final example of poor
communications and unresolved marital conflict in a spiritual family that
resulted in pain but got resolved in the end.
Elkanah demonstrated his love like so many husbands by giving his wife
everything except the one thing she wanted the most (1 Sam1:5, 8, 19).
However, what she wanted the most only God could give her (1 Sam.1:5, 19-
20). She became depressed, wept bitterly, and wouldn't eat out of great
grief (1 Sam1:7, 8, 10, 15, 16).
We should pay a special attention to the «role prayer played» in resolving
this marital conflict. «I have poured out my soul before the Lord.» (1
Sam1:15; 1 Pet.3:7, 1 Cor.7:5-6).
Good communication with the Lord is essential when there is poor
communication with your mate. «So the woman went her way and ate, and her
face was no longer sad.» (1 Sam.1:18, Ja,Esc 5:13-18). It might bring much
into your relationship.

Summary
The study of these 3 stories is showing that unresolved family conflicts
have many painful and dangerous consequences.
Jay Adams in his book «Christian Living in the Home» gives a very helpful
and insightful definition of a Christian home. He says, «A Christian home
is a place where sinners live, but they know what to do about their
sin.»[21]
The definition identifies a very important and basic concept when it comes
to relationships – we bring our sinfulness with us.
We could realize that this may seem a little obvious, but there are some
people who think that if you have two committed Christians in a
relationship that there will be no conflict or problems.
The truth is - ANY relationship has the potential for varying levels of
conflict simply because there are two people present with very active
sinful tendencies.
Not only is that a wrong view of relationships, but it is dangerous.
The problem is that a relationship takes two, and you cannot always control
what the other person will do.
The hope for the Christian is not the absence of conflict, but the
possibility of really dealing with conflict.
As we see in previous biblical examples conflict comes from the presence of
sin. Christians know what to do about sin. The result should be that
Christians know what to do about conflict.
The Bible has a great deal to say about sin that causes conflict between
people. In fact, a great deal of the New Testament was written because
there was conflict taking place.




CHAPTER 3
SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

For this purpose we will do a study of two biblical passages - 1 Peter 3:8-
9 and Ephesians 4:25-32.

Five spiritual factors to resolve marital conflict (1 Peter 3:8-9)
1 Peter 3:8-9 followed just after a special section of Peter's epistle -
3:1-7 - where he gives specific instructions to a wife and a husband.
In 1 Pet.3:8-9, Apostle Peter gives us both the positive and negative
approaches to marital conflict: five spiritual factors on how to resolve it
and two carnal factors that will further inflame it!
«8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a
tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling
for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that
you may obtain a blessing.» (ESV)
The following five spiritual factors are used to resolve marital conflict
(1 Pet.3:8):
1.Let all be harmonious (homophon) like-minded (v.8a)
The Greek word is used only here in the whole New Testament, and means both
oneness in opinion, and in outlook, attitude, disposition, and sentiment.
You must all have the same attitude may be expressed as "you must all think
the same about life" or "… about what you should do" or "you must all think
about life in the same way …"[22]
A husband and a wife should be willing to compromise in oder to become one
mind instead of developing selfish behavior and thinking.
2.Let all be sympathetic (sumpathes) share in the suffering of another
(v.8b)
The words «having compassion» are the translation of a Greek word from
which we get our word "sympathy." The word is made up of two Greek words,
one word meaning "to be affected" by something, hence "to feel," that is,
to have feelings stirred up within one by some circumstance, the other word
meaning "with." The word means therefore, "to have a fellow-feeling." It
refers here to the interchange of fellow-feeling in either joy or sorrow.
It is "rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep"
(Rom. 12:15). The English word "sympathy" refers to the fellow-feeling we
should have with those that suffer, and that is the secondary meaning of
our Greek word. The primary meaning refers to a fellow-feeling with a
brother Christian either in his joys or in his sorrows [23].
It shows that spouses should learn to hear each other's hurt and to
compassionate to each other. Instead of acting with indifferences.
It takes as much grace sometimes to rejoice with your spouse in the way
God has blessed him/her as it does to sympathize with someone who is in
sadness.
3.Let all be brotherly (philadelphos) friendship love (v.8c)
The Greek word (φιλάδελφος) does not elsewhere occur in the New Testament.
It means loving one's brethren; that is, loving each other as Christian
brethren. Thus it enforces the duty so often enjoined in the New Testament,
that of love to Christians as brethren of the same family. [24]
Young couples should be willing to set aside self-interest. They have no
right to become cold to each other.
4.Let all be kindhearted (eusplagchos) affectionate (v.8d)
Kindhearted or pitiful - The history of the word, literally meaning "good-
hearted," affords an interesting illustration of the influence of Christian
thought. It was used by Greek writers, especially Greek medical writers,
such as Hippocrates , to describe what we should call the sanguine or
courageous temperament. By St Peter and St Paul (Eph. 4:32), it is used, as
the context in each case shows, for the emotional temper which shows itself
in pity and affection.[25]
A husband and a wife should be willing to forgive faults and wrongs of each
other. And to avoid to be judgmental or rude with each other.
5.Let all be humble in spirit (tapeinophron) humble minded (v.8e).
This is a compound of tapeinos (humble) and phrēn (minded). It is used in
Acts 20:19; Eph. 4:2 and Phil. 2:3. This is a uniquely Christian virtue. It
means the opposite of self-assertion and egocentric pride.[26]
They don't need to be driven by their pride but should be willing to go the
second mile with their spouse.

The next following two carnal factors should be avoided because they are
throwing fuel on the fire of marital conflict (1 Pet.3:9).
1.Repaying evil for evil – Don't retaliate no matter how hurtful but be
willing to give a blessing.
2.Repaying reviling for reviling – Don't speak hurtful words but be willing
to give healing words as a blessing.
« but on the contrary, bless (eulogeo), for to this you were called, that
you may obtain a blessing.»
Christian should bless instead of repaying evil for evil. In the next
verses 10-11 Apostle Peter encourage a believer «to keep his tongue from
evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do
good; let him seek peace and pursue it.»

It has become clear from the Bible that the main reason of family conflicts
is a lack of good communication.
Along the same line, Dwight Hervey Small declares in his book that «the
heart of marriage is its communication system… It can be said that the
success and happiness of any married pair is measurable in terms of the
deepening dialogue which characterizes their union»[27].
So we need to encourage young family to develop an effective communication.
Such as Wayne Mack explains[28]:
The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that
the sender's message is understood as he intended it. Unless the sender and
receiver have come to a common meaning, they haven't communicated
effectively.

The purpose of communication in all of life is basically to build a Christ-
centered home, to build understanding, and to solve problems in a Christ-
honoring, kind, Biblical way.
Therefore we need to find a biblical way how to develop such communication
and to find out what helps young families to keep it. Biblical
communication should be effective

Biblical principles of communication
Our egoism quite often leads to the poor level of communication between a
husband and a wife.
It's obvious:
if there is a good unity and harmony in a family we will see that these two
people communicate very well with each other
On the contrary If there are many serious issues in relationship among
spouses we will see that that don't have an effective communication.
What doesn't mean to have an effective communication? To communicate means:
attempt to be understood
To do my best in order to be understood
Do my best to understand an other person

What is happening in a family when a husband and a wife don't keep an
effective communication with each other
Their relations has become very shallow and superficial
They lost an interest in each other. Their family life becomes boring to
them
They have a hard time to make wise decisions
There are many issues and question which have not been resolved for long
time
Wrong ideas were not corrected
Disagreements lead to new conflicts
Conflicts become chronic
They may start to find an emotional support from other men or women which
may lead to an adultery and a divorce.

In essence, what makes communication fail is our inherent self-centeredness
and selfishness. We want what we want, so we don't take time to listen to
the needs and best interests of our mates. Unchecked and unconfessed, those
destroying desires are murderous, killing a relationship.

Questions to ask:
How have you seen that evidenced in your marriage? Have those things been
reconciled and forgiven?
Good relationships don't happen automatically! Neither are they immune from
problems. All men are sinners Romans 3:10-12, 23) meaning they are selfish
and finite — and that's all it takes to set the stage for conflicts. Good
marriages and solid lasting relationships can be built by people who know
Jesus Christ and follow His principles for communication, especially as
they relate to problem solving. In Ephesians 4:22-24 Paul stresses the
importance of laying aside the "old self" and its way of doing things and
putting on the "new self," which is God's way of handling matters. The
following verses (25-32) detail the "Four Rules of Communication" which we
are to use in all our relationships. They are good for both preventing and
solving problems

FOUR RULES OF COMMUNICATION[29] (Ephesians 4:25-32)
1) Be honest (v. 25) - replace lies with truth
A.Speak
1. Greek imperative - i.e. a command- «You speak!»
2. Why? Because people cannot read our minds. «For who among men knows the
thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man, which is in him?» (1
Corinthians 2:11).
3. Clamming up is out for the Christian! A husband has no right to neglect
communication with his wife and there is no reason to justify his silence.
It's his duty to speak with his wife.

B.Speak truth
1. «Speaking the truth» in 4:15 is a verb for (present tense) that involves
continuous action. We are to always speak truth! (compare with «Do not lie
to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices»
(Col.3:9)).
2. Honesty is more than not lying—it is being open and truthful.
Examples of dishonesty:
Outright deceit
Incongruence: when "halo" communication and "content" communication
conflict
Disguised communication: when the real message is masked; innuendo

C.Speak the truth lovingly
1.You can be brutal with the truth! So that we need to take very much
serious Scripture command - «Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned
as it were with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each
person» (Colossians 4:6).
2. Christians are to speak the truth with the other person's best interests
in mind. Care must be given to not only what you say but also how you say
it. (e.g. tone of voice; volume; facial expressions, etc.). Be concerned
with what you say, how you say it, how much you say it, and when you say
it.
3.Also we need to mark these 2 phrases - «with his neighbor» and «one of
another». They show to us the importance of listening of each other. Not
only one way speaking ,you should decome a skilled listener.

Practical summary
There is no place within a marriage for lies and deceit. We must be
truthful and honest in all of our dealings and relationships. When we hide
things from each other we lose trust and confidence in one another. Then
too, we must be open to share our feelings with one another. Truth and
honesty must be the focal point of the marriage.

Questions to ask:
Do you ever answer the question, "What's wrong?" with "Nothing!", even when
you know that something is wrong?
Is what you say contradicted by your facial expressions or body language--
which often reveals your real intentions?
Do you ever flatter people on the outside (to avoid conflict) while you
fume on the inside about an offense against you?

2) Keep current (vs. 26,27) - replace sinful ager with reconciliation
A. «Be angry and sin not. Do not ever let your wrath—your exasperation—last
until sundown. Leave no such room or foothold for the devil.» (Amplified
Version)
Bible is so clear - it doesn't allow people to move forward without
resolving the conflict. It's sin to avoid this commandment.
B.Failure to solve each day's problems that day means you are:
1. Guilty of sin - you're commanded to do it!
2. Opening the way to resentment and hatred
3. Distorting subsequent problem
4. Endangering your sexual relationship
Practical summary:
Failure in attempting to solve each day's problems quickly can be sin.
Don't carry them over to tomorrow if possible. (See Matt 6:34). If we fail
to solve problems quickly we open the door to resentment, bitterness, or
even hatred. It can also set the stage for spiritual discouragement.

3) Attack problems – not people (vv. 29-30) - replace unwholesome words
with edifying word
A. «no corrupting talk» («corrupt communication» – KJV)
By-passes the real issue
Zeroes in on the person's character (cf. Matthew 5:21-22)
Tears down or rips apart (cf. James 3:5-12)
Grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30)
B. «Edifying» communication
Encourages or builds up
Zeros in on the real issue
Centers on personal responsibility (cf. Matthew 7:1 f f).
Gives «grace» (i.e. the desire and ability to do God's will) to those who
hear.
Practical summary:
Do not speak words that tear down or words that grieve the Holy Spirit. Use
words that edify or build up, words that help reach a solution when there
are problems.


4) Act! Don't react (vv. 31-32) - replace your vengeful spirit with a
forgiving spirit
A.Reaction (v. 31) – attitudes and actions you must «put off» completely
Bitterness – the inability to treat someone as if they never hurt you
Wrath – flaring outbursts of rage
Anger – settled indignation of hostility that frequently seeks revenge; the
"slow burn"
Clamor – harsh contention and strife; public quarreling; brawling
Slander – speech that injures; abusive speech
Malice – the desire to harm others or to see others suffer
B. Actions (v. 32) – attitudes and actions you must "put on" to replace the
reactions
Kind – benevolent; helpful; courteous
Tenderhearted – lit. «of good heartedness»; compassionate; sympathetic
Forgiving – to pass over an offense and to free the offender from the
consequences of it. «just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.» i.e.:
Firstly: before you confessed
Freely: without merit on your part
Fully: for every offense
C. Arguments are possible only if there are two people who react in a godly
manner.
Practical summary: Our response to our marriage partner is very important.
If we return evil for evil we will create greater conflict (1 Pet. 3:9).
Negative reactions that stem from the old nature will create division and
tension in the marriage relationship. Our positive reactions to our mate
are the expressions of kindness and forgiveness which originate from the
fruit of the Spirit and the new nature.
We can do a quick summary of this passage
As you speak with your mates, these are wise principles to follow:
Be committed to honesty (truthfulness in all things) and mutual respect (v.
25).
Make sure your weapons are not deadly (v. 26).
Agree together that the time is right for your discussion (vv. 26-27).
Be ready with a positive solution after creating a conflict (v. 28).
Watch you words and guard your tone — speak with love and grace (v. 29; cf.
also Eph. 4:15; Col. 4:6).
Don't degrade your mate — especially in public (v. 31).
When it's over, help clean up the failures with Christ-like kindness,
tenderness, and
forgiveness (v. 32).
Communicating with our mates in grace and gentleness is no minor issue. It
is a reflection of our walk with Christ — an evidence of how much we are
becoming like Him (Eph. 4:15). The realization of joy in your marriage
relationship will be impacted by your pursuit of gracious communication.

Question to ask:
Considering Ephesians 4, how are these principles experienced and realized
in your
relationship?
What is your communication style? (talk, talk , talk; think then talk;
never talk or somewhere in the middle)
Do you recognize when you are controlling a conversation? Do you recognize
when you are being impatient with others? Or defensive? Or critical?
How do you feel when others dominate the conversation or outshine you?
When and how are you most likely to speak a harsh or impatient word?
How do you speak about others when they are not around?
Are you good at giving praise, expressing thanks, or encouragement? If not
what can you do to change?
What is a habit of speech that you want to break? (yelling, being too
critical, lying or speaking half-truths, rolling your eyes, being
sarcastic, complaining etc…) What is a new habit that can replace the old
one? (for example, replacing the habit of complaining with thanksgiving or
the habit of yelling with giving soft answers).
Looking back at the past week, would God be honored with the way you
communicated to others? If not, what will you do about it?

Conclusion
A. In order to change the way we communicate we must be disciplined. Godly
communication does not come naturally. As believers we need to be aware of
wrong habits and patterns and confess those to God. We must repent and
begin to develop the right biblical habits and patterns. This means
actually practicing the new behavior patterns (speaking truth instead of
half-truths) until a new habit is formed.
Changing habits is not easy, but can be done (1 Corinthians 10:13;
Philippians 4:13)! It is much easier than the «way of the transgressor»
(Proverbs 13:15b KJV).
B. No matter how ungodly others are in their attitudes and actions, you
must communicate biblically! Their sin does not justify your sin!!!










CHAPTER 4
WHAT CULTURALLY PREVENTS YOUNG COUPLES FROM HAVING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

In my pastoral experience I have noticed several issues that interfere with
communication in young families:
1.On the first place in Russia - housing and living problems. Secular
experts enumerate at least three special features of young families in
Russia [30]:
First, the lack of material and financial security. Today, the average
income in young families is 1.5 times lower than the national average
one. At the same time 69% of young families live below the poverty line.
Second, the increased material and financial needs for the necessary
amenities: housing, the organization of everyday life.
Third, the time when the couple are forced to undergo some levels of
socialization: get an education, profession, work place.
Questions of survival and material well-being take much time and effort of
a young couple, limiting their ability and desire to build effective
communication. They are rather concerned about the arrangement of their
life, even they want to know how to survive financially more than how to
develop their relationship in family. Also there are some difficulties with
inability to manage finances, and difficulties in the distribution of
duties at home.




2.Internet
Internet creates its own area of communication (social nets), where a
person can control the process of communication or just participate in it
without any responsibilities and challenges.
The communication on the Internet takes a lot of time and diverts attention
from the family
Moreover, the anonymous communication (or communion under the nickname)
does not develop the abilities and does not lead people to a deeper, open
and serious dialogue.

3. Media culture (TV / movies / computer games)
It is more attractive and interesting than the spouse.
No conflicts and everything is pretty simple.
There is no need to strain, to think, to take the pain of your relative.
Our media-dominated culture has robbed us of the reflection about life and
its meaning.
As our culture has become a television culture, therefore, a larger part of
our waking life has been occupied by considering what is insignificant and
unimportant (or, worse, by inadequately considering what is significant
through an insignificant medium)[31]
4.Job/Career - for a serious career you have to devote yourself to
work.Therefore, being exhausted after work you have no strength and desire
to develop your relationship with your spouse.
5.Family as an important value of the society went to the back. Give up
something for the sake of family relations is folly. The institution of
marriage is destroyed by all sides (civil marriage, open relationship,
sexual minorities, etc.).
6. Psychology of positive thinking / Hedonistic culture
The very process of communication can cause pain that can bring us a more
profound healing and growth.
Dr.Bill Mills explains it so well in his book: «Naked&Unashamed»[32]:
The world teaches us by their words, their mind-set and their example to
leave when a relationship becomes painful or when it no longer meets our
expectations. This system says that we must protect our rights, that our
position and identity cannot be threatened. We must leave when our
relationship is no longer consistent with our personal goals or when it
becomes an uncomfortable environment for growing as individuals. This
message comes from Satan's foolishness and lies, and it keeps us from
possessing what God has given us in Christ

What is more - our society has become so entertainment-driven instead of
being care or sacrificial love-driven.
7.The concept of relationship between a man and a woman was so much
disturbed and corrupted recent last 50 years. Now many young people take
such relationship as a mutual temporary contract which build on some needs
such as:
sexual affair
Rent
Having children
Gifts
Career and etc.
8.Church culture
Many churches don't have any kind of premarital counseling and ministry to
families
Many churches have become like parishes instead of being congregation
maintaing one another care.
Trust to the religious rituals Вера (in Russian orthodoxy people believe
that if they put a candle in a church - God will bless them)
Fear to talk with pastors about family problems because of many pastors act
like judges instead of being real shepherds.
The best clear biblical answer to resolve and to take over all these
worldly pressures - to be new testament genuine congregation of authentic
believers who practice kainonia relationship and where young family will be
taught, nourished and cared well.


















CHAPTER 5
PRACTICAL IDEAS ON RESOLVING CONFLICTS

How to Avoid Conflicts

Wrong (sinful) ways of avoiding conflicts
1.To keep silence (Eph.4:29-31; Col.3:19) - it will bring a growth of grief
2.Pass over each other (John 15:12; 1 Pet.4:8)
3.To change the subject of conversation, i.e. to answer another question
(Prov.12:22, 24:28)
4.To conceal information, sin, to bear grief (Prov.28:14)

Right (godly) ways of avoiding conflicts
1.Get to know your husband/wife more, value him/her, try to understand his
point of view (1 Pet.3:7)
2.Before sharing your own opinion, get all details and ask for questions
like «Do I understand it right when you say...», «Do you mean....»
(Prov.18:14, 18)
3.If you have a chance, pray in advance and think about the question you
are about to discuss (Prov.15:28, 17:27)
4.Show your love and care in difficult times (Rom.12:9-10)
5.Listen more than talk, but DO talk
6.If it is a matter of sin, treat your husband/wife with love, wish him/her
good because you try to bring him/her to Christ (Eph.4:15)
7.If it is a matter of preferences, take a back seat (Rom.12:10)
8.If it is a matter of conscience, offer him/her to study the Scripture and
encourage him/her to ask someone for devout advice (Prov.11:14; 2
Tim.2:15)
9.Do not sin in the way you talk or express your thoughts, or show feelings
(Prov.8:7-8)
10.Put God's glory in the first place rather than try to prove you are
right (Rom.15:2)
11.Give short and soft answer to his/her angry and irate words (Prov.15:1)

How to Resolve a Conflict If It Has Already Appeared

Wrong (sinful) ways of resolving conflicts
1.«Time cures everything» (road Matt.5:23-24; Eph.4:26) Sometimes time does
cure and it can also smoothen the wisecrack of a conflict. Nonetheless
there should be confession of a sin, change, and active endeavor
2.«Let it slide» - It enforces grief
3.Act like nothing happened
4.Wait until your husband/wife will make an apology first (Matt.5:23-24) -
You should be taking the initiative: if you think that your brother/sister
has something against you, YOU go and reconcile with him/her.
5.To penalize him/her until he/she takes the blame. (Gal.6:1; Rom.12:9-20)
As an example, silent or harsh treatment. «You who are spiritual should
restore him in a spirit of gentleness» (Gal. 6:1)

Right (godly) ways of resolving conflicts
1.Confess you sins (or fault) before God that you are aware of (Ps.139:23-
24; 1 John 1:9-10).
2.Come up to your husband/wife and apologize for every deed particularly.
Tell him/her about your wish not to do it again (Eph.4:32, James 5:16).
3.Express your desire to resolve the conflict all the way and decide when
it would be better to do it (Prov.15:28). Let us say a conflict appears
when you get ready to go to work, make an apology before you leave and
agree to talk it over when you are back. Do not leave slamming the door and
destroying your relationships.
4.Meet each other at a set time
5.Pray together so that God would give you wisdom, self-control and right
words (Prov.16:32; James 1:5)
6.Remind the talk rules to each other (Eph.4:15, 26-32)
7.Each of you should confess his/her sins, especially the ones that you
haven't confessed yet (either before God or before your husband/wife)
(Eph,4:32; James 5:16; 1 John 1:9)
Remember that a sincere person is not the one who is crying but changing.
8.Start discussing the issues that caused the conflict.
9.Define the areas where you disagree with each other (take turns)
10.Ascertain with which parts of the conflict you disagree (take turns)
11.Define what the core of your disagreement is:
personal preferences
sin
conscience
lack of wisdom
12.Specify the steps that you are going to take to resolve the conflict
(each of you shares his/her opinion)
13.Start to implement the stеps that you have agreed on
14.Decide whether you need to talk about the same issue later on.
15.End up your conversation with prayer and remember to show your love to
each other



Practical tips:
We need strongly to encourage young couples to see their conflicts as
positive opportunities for relationship. All too often people see conflicts
as bad things, rather than opportunities for the family. They need to begin
by seeing conflicts as positive, and realize that when handled in the right
way, that conflicts can strengthen relationships and deepen loving family
bonds. Without conflict, relationships are often dead. See conflict as
positive for your relationships.
In this section you could find some practical advices how to help young
families to resolve conflicts and to overcome cultural hindrances which try
to stop good communication in their families.

1. PAUSE principle[33]
Any conflict resolution should start with negotiation.
A biblical approach to negotiation may be summarized in five basic steps,
which we refer to as the PAUSE Principle:
Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
Understand interests (identify others' concerns, desires, needs,
limitations, or fears)
Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don't argue)
If you have never used this approach to negotiation before, it will take
time and practice (and sometimes advice from others) to become proficient
at it. But it is well worth the effort, because learning the PAUSE
principle will help you not only to resolve your present dispute but also
to negotiate more effectively in all areas of your life.


2.15 minutes rule
The "Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule"
Joanne Heim gives very prqcitical insights from her family life:
«[My husband] Toben promises that he won't say a word for 15 whole minutes.
And at that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as
well as being able to listen and understand as Toben explains his side of
the story [when it's his 15 minute turn to talk]. We don't use the "Fifteen
Minute Time-Out Rule" very much anymore, but it helps me immensely to know
it's there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that
couldn't be taken back during our early years of marriage. I hate to admit
it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean,
hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting»[34].

Apostle Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians 5:15
«See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to
one another and to everyone.»
The fifteen minutes rule of sharing
If a couple spends as little as fifteen minutes a day sharing their stories
with each other, in a short period they each will begin to understand the
other[35].
When both facts and feelings are shared, life is shared. Deeper
comprehension occurs. Bonding takes place. Communication begins to go
deeper than words.
Couples who share their stories gradually move from childhood to
adolescence to what happened at work today. They develop a habit of sharing
their stories – and, therefore, their hearts – with each other.
Small talk is different than the business type talk that we often do in our
marriages. Small talk means talking to your partner about what they want to
talk about. Your hopes, dreams, and goals can be wonderful topics. When
couples are dating they seem to be able to small talk for hours on end.
Once couples get married and things get busy they may not dedicate as much
time to small talk. Small talk with your partner every day for 10-15
minutes. It works best if you choose the same time everyday so you get in
the habit of doing it. The idea is to stay connected through enjoyable
conversation.

3. Don't go to bed if we still upset with one another
«Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger» -
Eph.4:26

4.Praying together
Dennis Rainey at Family Life says[36]:
Surveys at our FamilyLife Marriage Conferences indicate that less than 8
percent of all couples pray together on a regular basis. I suspect that
less than 5 percent of all Christian couples pray together daily.

One of the most practical things to do [when talking about a sensitive
issue] is to start your discussion with prayer. This habit can transform
your marriage as you invite the Holy Spirit to guide your conversation. It
also helps you steer clear of the pothole of confronting your spouse
impulsively. Speaking of steering, remember that driving along a cliff is
even harder going in reverse. In other words, don't bring up past issues
while trying to resolve new ones.
5.Have family devotions together
Even if it is only 5 or 10 minutes.
6.Read the same good Christian book and discuss it together
7.Third party
If many of your old conflicts lack closure, get a mediator— a pastor or
biblical counselor or another solid family from your church — to help bring
your marriage up to speed and moving forward again.

8. A good ground rule:
We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say "This is not
a good time." If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she
takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future
(usually within 24 to 48 hours). This ground rule ensures that you will not
have an important or difficult talk about an issue unless you both agree
that the time is right. There is no point in having a discussion about
anything important unless you're both ready to talk about it.[37]

9.Limits on media
Put some limits on media (movies, computer games, facebook). Also it's
worthy don't put TV in your bedroom for the first 2 years

10.Special personal Bible study
Do a Bible study on person of God. It will help them to see themselves as
saved sinners living by His grace. Also it will help them to understand
that the real unity and communication among them will start with unity and
close communication with God.

11. Write a budget together
It will give you great opportunity
to discuss your family life goals and perpectives.
To see some new ways how you could minister to each other and for God
Himself.
make money decisions together, as a couple
To be honest about your saving and spending habits. Money problems in
relationships are worse when one or both partners lie about money, hide
their spending or saving habits, and avoid talking about debt problems

12. Arrange a special discussion time
1.It will be very good to write together all possible areas of future
conflicts and watch how they will grow in them
Finances
in-laws
Sex
personal habits
spiritual needs, life, direction, will of God, etc.
Recreation
showing affection
social life, friends
2.Set up a specific time to talk with your spouse about serious issues and
then make a deal with them. Agree that you both will have an opportunity to
talk without interruption. Set a time limit for this and then allow a few
minutes afterwards for you each to comment on what the other shared. You'll
find this really cuts down on arguments and keeps things much more civil.

APPENDIX 1
CONVERSATION STARTERS

During your time together ask each other as many of the questions below as
you decide to do at one sitting (and ask additional questions during other
times you set aside):
If you could store up only one hour's worth of memory in your mind, which
hour of our marriage would you want to remember?
If you could have witnessed any biblical event, which one would you choose?
When do you feel most loved?
Which strengths in your life bring you the greatest satisfaction?
What is the best way for me to encourage you?
What time of day is best for us to talk?
If we could just drop what we're doing and go do something fun, what would
it be?
What is one of the most adventurous things you've ever done?
In your opinion, what makes a great parent?
What are five essential values we want our children to embrace above all
others?
What can we do as a couple to change the world in which we live?
What goals would you like us to accomplish in our marriage in the next
year? … five years? … ten years?
What's the best book you've read recently? Tell me about it. What did you
like about it?
Which holiday do you enjoy the most? Why that one?
If you could possess any extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what
would you choose?
If you could bring any former leader from the past back to run our country
today, who would it be?
What makes a married relationship distinctively Christian? How is a
Christian couple different from a non-Christian one?
In what ways do you think the marriages of our parents affect the marriage
you and I share today? Be honest with me.
Are there some times when a disagreement needs to be postponed? if so,
when? How can we discern those kinds of times?
When have you felt the most loved by me?
What fears do you wrestle with the most? How do you manage them?
What practical steps can we take as a couple to "affair-proof" our
marriage?
With so many marriages falling apart around us today, what steps can you
and I take to ensure that we stay close as a couple, emotionally and
spiritually?











APPENDIX 2
QUESTIONS FOR CONVERSATION

Below are several questions from the book, 201 Great Questions[38] by Jerry
Jones, published by NavPress. And/or you may want to obtain the book 201
Great Questions for Married Couples)[39] To begin your time together, ask
the following questions:
What is your earliest memory?
If you could live in any other time period, past or future, what period
would you choose? Why?
What movie or television program have you seen in the last year that you
wish all your friends could see?
If someone gave you enough money to start a business of your own, what kind
of business would you start?
If you didn't have to worry about making a living, what would you most like
to do for the rest of your life?
When making decisions, do you put more trust in facts or in feelings? Are
you pleased with most of your decisions?
What do you consider to be your greatest strengths? Your greatest
weaknesses?
What is usually the first thing that comes to your mind when you think
about God?
What would you most like people to remember you for after you die?
What are the five things you are most thankful for in your life right now?
What are some of the things you do to show this thankfulness?
Whose marriage do you most consider to be a model marriage? What is it
about their marriage that you most admire?
Has there been a time in the past year or two when God seemed especially
real or close to you? If so, explain.




















APPENDIX 3
WEEKLY CONNECTION TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE

ASK: Is there anything that's currently unresolved that we need to talk
about? (If a difficult conflict comes up, review and use the helpful
guidelines for resolving difficult conflicts as your guide.)
ASK: Are there any family matters or parenting issues that we need to
discuss?
ASK: Is there anything coming up on out calendar that we need to discuss
or prepare for?
ASK: Are there any household or yard tasks that need to be accomplished?
SHARE: What has the Lord been showing you in His Word, and in your life?
SHARE: What has been a blessing to you in your life this week.?
SHARE: What has been weighing heavily on your heart?
ASK: What can I be praying for you this next week?











APPENDIX 4
MONTHLY PLANNING TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE[40]
The following planning sheet can help you as a married couple and family,
to draw closer together as you approach matters that concern your life
together. Feel free to change it in whatever way it would best work for
you:
1.Pray together
Especially about fulfillment of God's plan for a mariage.
Establish action plans for this month if you need to work on area of your
individual live.

2.Plan a Household Task Update:
Discuss home projects that need to be tended to so you're both aware of
them and are in agreement of what needs to be done and by whom:
What project(s) needs to be done inside our home?
What needs to be done on the outside of our home that needs special
attention?
Who's to do what?

3.Have a Quick Budget Review:
Where are we this month in keeping to our agreed upon budget—are we on
track?
Do we have any new expenses coming up that we need to be aware of?
What's our plan for saving for this (or these items)?
Do we need to make adjustments in how we're handling our money?


4.Encourage Each Other in Your Personal and Long-Range Goals:
(i.e. self-study, education, dieting, reading, exercising, hobbies, or just
having some personal R&R time that's important to you as a man or a woman).
It's important to have goals that you share together. But it's also
important to do something "just for you" (that doesn't conflict with the
family's values or take too much time away from each other).
Discuss your personal goals so you can encourage and pray for each other.
(Keep in mind these goals aren't to be at the expense of the other's
feelings.)
Are there any changes from last month's goals?
How did you personally do with last month's goals—did you complete them?
Determine your own "80/20 goal" for this next month. (These are goals
that will improve your life by 80% but will only require 20% of your effort
(i.e. organizing or finishing a project that's been bugging you for a long
time and needs to be completed.)
Pray for your goals (today and throughout the month).
Discuss goals and plans you can share together including ministry goals.
(It's important to always have goals that you're mutually working on
together. This keeps your relationship alive and growing together rather
than apart.)
What goal(s) are we to work on together as a couple?
What goal(s) are we to work on as a family?

5.Schedule Fun Dating Times With Each Other:
(Make sure your dating times are for doing fun things together without the
children along. These are to be set appointments and can only be changed
upon a mutual agreement for avery good reason.)
What can we do together on a date, as a couple that we'd both enjoy?
When and where are we going to go to do this?
Do we want to have friends join us for this occasion?

6.Discuss Future Vacations, and Family Outings:
(plus quality time with each child if you have children living at home)
What type of event(s) do we want to do together?
When and where do we want to go?
Do we want the whole family included?
Do we want to include any friends to come along with us?
What arrangements need to be done? Who's to do what?

6.Validate when you're to have the next planning session. This is important
to do right now because if you don't, it probably won't get onto the
calendar for next month.

7.Coordinate your calendars and decide if you're in or out of balance on
the activities you have scheduled for the month(s) ahead. Keep in mind that
it's important for you to be in agreement on any commitments that will
affect the whole family before you say "yes" to anything. Ask yourselves:
"Do we need to change anything?"

8.Encourage Each Other in Sharing Your Faith:
ask: How are we doing in our own personal growth in sharing our faith
with others?
Pray for each other's list of unsaved people that the Lord's laid upon
your hearts.
Pray for others that need encouragement.

9.Work on Other Concerns: bringing up major discussion points that need to
be talked through:
Lovingly discuss issues that are bothering you (These include sensitive
topics you need to discuss thoroughly without interruption.)
Is there an "unresolved" topic we need to revisit because we couldn't
finish our "discussion" about it previously?
Tell what you appreciate about each other. (Too often we forget to do
this.)

10.Share with each other what the Lord's been showing you in His word and
through other resources, in your life, and/or through the lives of others
recently.
Ask each other: "What can I specifically be praying for you this next
week/month?"

PRAY TOGETHER. This is too important of a part of your relationship to
neglect. Get comfortable praying aloud with each other now and every day.
You may feel a bit awkward at first, but eventually, you'll be blessed by
it.












APPENDIX 5
PRACTICAL WISDOM FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

Consider the following Proverbs about the tongue and the power of words;
what can you glean from these truths to improve your communication?

6:12 A worthless person, a wicked man, Is the one who walks with a false
mouth,
6:16f There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven which are an
abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed
innocent blood,…
8:7 "For my mouth will utter truth; And wickedness is an abomination to my
lips"
10:11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, But the mouth of
the wicked conceals violence.
10:13 On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found, But a rod is for the
back of him who lacks understanding.
10:14 Wise men store up knowledge, But with the mouth of the foolish, ruin
is at hand
10:18 He who conceals hatred has lying lips, And he who spreads slander is
a fool.
10:19 When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who
restrains his lips is wise.
10:20 The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver, The heart of the
wicked is worth little.
10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of
understanding.
10:31 The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, But the perverted
tongue will be cut out.
10:32 The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable, But the
mouth of the wicked,
what is perverted.
11:9 With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, But through
knowledge the righteous will be delivered.
11:11 By the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, But by the mouth
of the wicked it is torn down.
11:12 He who despises his neighbor lacks sense, But a man of understanding
keeps silent.
11:13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is
trustworthy conceals a matter.
The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, But the mouth of the upright
will deliver them.
12:17 He who speaks truth tells what is right, But a false witness,
deceit.
12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the
tongue of the wise
brings healing.
12:19 Truthful lips will be established forever, But a lying tongue is
only for a moment.
12:22 Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal
faithfully are His delight.
12:25 Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, But a good word makes
it glad.
13:2 From the fruit of a man's mouth he enjoys good, But the desire of the
treacherous is violence
13:3 The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; The one who opens
wide his lips comes to ruin.
14:3 In the mouth of the foolish is a rod for his back, But the lips of the
wise will preserve them.
14:5 A faithful witness will not lie, But a false witness speaks lies
14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of evil devices is
hated.
14:25 A truthful witness saves lives, But he who speaks lies is
treacherous.
14:29 He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-
tempered exalts folly.
15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
15:2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, But the mouth of
fools spouts folly.
15:4 A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the
spirit.
15:5 A fool rejects his father's discipline, But he who regards reproof is
prudent.
15:7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge, But the hearts of fools are not
so.
15:14 The mind of the intelligent seeks knowledge, But the mouth of fools
feeds on folly.
15:22 Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors
they succeed.
15:23 A man has joy in an apt answer, And how delightful is a timely word!
15:26 Evil plans are an abomination to the Lord, But pleasant words are
pure.
15:28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of
the wicked pours out evil things.
15:31 He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof Will dwell among the
wise.
15:32 He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to
reproof acquires understanding.
16:1 The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is
from the Lord.
16:13 Righteous lips are the delight of kings, And he who speaks right is
loved. 16:23 The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, And adds
persuasiveness to his lips.
16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the
bones.
16:27 A worthless man digs up evil, While his words are as a scorching
fire.
16:28 A perverse man spreads strife, And a slanderer separates intimate
friends.
17:4 An evildoer listens to wicked lips, A liar pays attention to a
destructive tongue.
17:7 Excellent speech is not fitting for a fool; Much less are lying lips
to a prince.
17:9 He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter
separates intimate friends.
17:14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the
quarrel before it breaks out.
17:20 He who has a crooked mind finds no good, And he who is perverted in
his language falls into evil.
17:27 He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool
spirit is a man of understanding.
17:28 Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes
his lips, he is counted prudent.
18:2 A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his
own mind.
18:4 The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; The fountain of wisdom is
a bubbling brook.
18:6 A fool's lips bring strife, And his mouth calls for blows.
18:7 A fool's mouth is his ruin, And his lips are the snare of his soul.
18:8 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down
into the innermost parts of the body.
18:13 He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.
18:20 With the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach will be satisfied; He
will be satisfied with the product of his lips.
18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it
will eat its fruit.
18:23 The poor man utters supplications, But the rich man answers roughly
19:1 Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity Than he who is
perverse in speech and is a fool.
19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, And he who tells lies will not
escape.
19:28 A rascally witness makes a mockery of justice, And the mouth of the
wicked spreads iniquity.
20:15 There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; But the lips of knowledge
are a more precious thing.
20:18 Prepare plans by consultation, And make war by wise guidance.
20:19 He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not
associate with a
gossip.
21:6 The getting of treasures by a lying tongue Is a fleeting vapor, the
pursuit of death.
21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue, Guards his soul from
troubles.
21:28 A false witness will perish, But the man who listens to the truth
will speak forever.
23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom
of your word
23:23 Buy truth, and do not sell it, Get wisdom and instruction and
understanding.
24:1 Do not be envious of evil men, Nor desire to be with them;
24:2 For their minds devise violence, And their lips talk of trouble.
24:26 He kisses the lips Who gives a right answer.
24:28 Do not be a witness against your neighbor without cause, And do not
deceive with your lips.
25:11 Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken in right
circumstances.
25:12 Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold Is a wise
reprover to a listening ear.
25:14 Like clouds and wind without rain Is a man who boasts of his gifts
falsely.
25:15 By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, And a soft tongue breaks
the bone.
25:23 The north wind brings forth rain, And a backbiting tongue, an angry
countenance
25:28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls Is a man who has no
control over his spirit.
26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying, So a
curse without cause does not alight.
26:7 Like the legs which hang down from the lame, So is a proverb in the
mouth of fools.
26:9 Like a thorn which falls into the hand of a drunkard, So is a proverb
in the mouth of fools.
26:20 For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer,
contention quiets down.
26:21 Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious
man to kindle strife.
26:22 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down
into the innermost parts of the body.
26:23 Like an earthen vessel overlaid with silver dross Are burning lips
and a wicked heart.
26:24 He who hates disguises it with his lips, But he lays up deceit in
his heart.
26:25 When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, For there are seven
abominations in his heart.
26:28 A lying tongue hates those it crushes, And a flattering mouth works
ruin
27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of
an enemy.
28:23 He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor Than he who
flatters with the tongue
29:11 A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.
29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a
fool than for him.
29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in
transgression
30:5 Every word of God is tested; He is a shield to those who take refuge
in Him.
30:11 There is a kind of man who curses his father, And does not bless his
mother.
30:12 There is a kind who is pure in his own eyes, Yet is not washed from
his filthiness.
31:26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her
tongue.


What one fundamental thing can each of you (husband and wife) change to
enhance your communication?







BIBLIOGRAPHY

Adams, Jay. Marriage, divorce and remarriage. Odessa, Publishing house
«Tulip»,2007

--------------. Christian living in the home. P & R Publishing, 1989

Arichea, D. C., & Nida, E. A. A handbook on the first letter from Peter.
UBS handbook series; Helps for translators. New York: United Bible
Societies, 1994

Barnes, A. Notes on the New Testament: James to Jude (R. Frew, Ed.).
London: Blackie & Son, 1884-885. Logos Software.

Bergen, R. D. (2001). Vol. 7: 1, 2 Samuel (electronic ed.). Logos Library
System; The New American Commentary. Nashville: Broadman & Holman
Publishers.

Constable, Tom. (2003; 2003). Tom Constable's Expository Notes on the
Bible. Galaxie Software.

Driscoll, Mark & Grace. Real Marriage: the truth about sex, friendship and
life together. Thomas Nelson, 2012.

Gordon, T. David, Why Johnny Can't Preach: The Media Have Shaped the
Messenger, P & R Publishing, 2009

Harland, David and Diana. Problematic families in the Bible. Novosibirsk,
Posoch, 2011

Heim, Joanne, Happily Ever After: A Real-Life Look at Your First Year of
Marriage . . . and Beyond. Kregel Publications, 2006

Ingram, Chip. Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships. Kiev: Walk thru the Bille,
2006

Jones, Jerry. 201 Great Questions. NavPress, 1988

Jones, Jerry. 201 Great Questions for Married Couples, NavPress, 1999

Mack, Wayne. Your Family God's Way. P & R Publishing, 1991

----------------. Strengthening your marriage. P & R Publishing, 1999


Mills, Bill. Naked and Unashamed: Recapturing Family Intimacy. Leadership
Resources International, 2005

Poirier, Alfred, Peacemaking Pastor, The: A Biblical Guide to Resolving
Church Conflict. Baker Books, 2006

Plumptre, E. H. The General Epistles of St Peter and St Jude, with Notes
and Introduction. The Cambridge Bible for Schools and Colleges . Cambridge:
Cambridge University Press, 1890. Logos Software

Rococo, Gary & Betty. Love that Lasts. Crosswat Books, Wheaton, Illinois,
2006

Small, Dwight Hervey. After You've Said I Do: New Ways to Communicate in
Marriage. Pillar Books, 1976

Stanley, Trathen, McCain and Bryan, A Lasting Promise, A Christian Guide to
Fighting for Your Marriage. John Wiley & Sons, 1998

Utley, R. J. D. Vol. Volume 2: The Gospel According to Peter: Mark and I &
II Peter. Study Guide Commentary Series Marshall, Texas: Bible Lessons
International, 2001.

Wuest, K. S. Wuest's word studies from the Greek New Testament : For the
English reader. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1997






























2 «Russia jas become world number one in devorce rate»,
http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2011/01/18/809731.html (accessed May 10,2012)

3 According to divorce statistics, main reasons for divorce are: addiction
of one of the spouses (alcohol, drug) – 31%, poor living conditions of the
young family – 21 %, adultery – 20%, violence – 15%. 50% of Russian
citizens believe absence of love is a valid reason for divorce, 31 %
believe it is valid even if there are children. -
http://zastupnik.org/novosti/13189.html (accessed May 10, 2012)
4 Statistics on time couples stay together -
https://sites.google.com/site/obsestvoznaniesch88omsk/home/sociologia/sociol
ogia-semi-i-braka/statistika-brakov-i-razvodov-v-rossii
5 «Divorce statistics in Russia» -
http://razvod66.ru/statistics_of_divorce.php (accessed May 10, 2012)
6 «Why not to divorce»
http://strelkina.ru/index/kak_izbezhat_razvoda_ili_stoit_li_razvoditsja_stra
nica_2/0-36, http://www.vokrugnovostei.ru/news/news6562.html (accessed May
10, 2012)


7 Shiryaeva E., Sidorova S., «Psychological reasons for family conflicts»
- http://www.rae.ru/forum2012/12/556 (accessed May 10, 2012)


13 «How to resolve conflicts in a biblical way»,
http://www.covenantkeepers.org/images/stories/translations/r_ResConflictRuss
ian_Internet.pdf (accessed May 10, 2012)
14 «Divorce and its consequences»,
http://vozrogdenie.my1.ru/publ/brak/razvod_i_ego_posledstvija/1-1-0-3
(accessed May 10, 2012)
15 «Remarriage», http://www.riana.kz/classicheskaya-svadba?start=18
(accessed May 10, 2012)











29The idea was taken from here
http://www.lifeaction.org/static/uploads/media/pdf/infuse_podcast/four_rule_
of_communication.pdf (accessed May 10,2012)


30 «Problems of young couples in Russia» http://www.tass-
ural.ru/analytics/10.html (accessed May 10,2012)




33 «PAUSE principle»
http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958155/k.A1D0/PAUSE_Principle
.htm (accessed May 10,2012)


35 Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage»,
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-
change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)



35 Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage»,
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-
change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)





40 the idea was taken from Cindy Wright
http://www.marriagemissions.com/monthly-planning-times-with-your-spouse/
(accessed May 10, 2012)


-----------------------
[1] «Russia jas become world number one in devorce rate»,
http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2011/01/18/809731.html (accessed May 10,2012)
[2] According to divorce statistics, main reasons for divorce are:
addiction of one of the spouses (alcohol, drug) – 31%, poor living
conditions of the young family – 21 %, adultery – 20%, violence – 15%. 50%
of Russian citizens believe absence of love is a valid reason for divorce,
31 % believe it is valid even if there are children. -
http://zastupnik.org/novosti/13189.html (accessed May 10, 2012)
[3] Statistics on time couples stay together -
https://sites.google.com/site/obsestvoznaniesch88omsk/home/sociologia/sociol
ogia-semi-i-braka/statistika-brakov-i-razvodov-v-rossii (accessed May 10,
2012)
[4] «Divorce statistics in Russia» -
http://razvod66.ru/statistics_of_divorce.php (accessed May 10, 2012)
[5] «Why not to divorce»
http://strelkina.ru/index/kak_izbezhat_razvoda_ili_stoit_li_razvoditsja_stra
nica_2/0-36, http://www.vokrugnovostei.ru/news/news6562.html (accessed May
10, 2012)
[6] Shiryaeva E., Sidorova S., «Psychological reasons for family
conflicts» - http://www.rae.ru/forum2012/12/556 (accessed May 10, 2012)
[7] Wayne A. Mack, Strengthening your marriage. (P & R Publishing; 2
edition, June 1, 1999), 56
[8] Jay Adams, Marriage, divorce and remarriage. Odessa, Publishing house
«Tulip»,2007), 33
[9] Mark & Grace Driscoll. Real Marriage: the truth about sex, friendship
and life together (Thomas Nelson (January 3, 2012), 86
[10] Gary & Betty Ricucci , Love that Lasts (Crosswat Books, Wheaton,
Illinois, 2006), 113-114
[11] Alfred Poirier, Peacemaking Pastor, The: A Biblical Guide to Resolving
Church Conflict (Baker Books (August 1, 2006), 29
[12] «How to resolve conflicts in a biblical way»,
http://www.covenantkeepers.org/images/stories/translations/r_ResConflictRuss
ian_Internet.pdf (accessed May 10, 2012)
[13] «Divorce and its consequences»,
http://vozrogdenie.my1.ru/publ/brak/razvod_i_ego_posledstvija/1-1-0-3
(accessed May 10, 2012)
[14] «Remarriage», http://www.riana.kz/classicheskaya-svadba?start=18
(accessed May 10, 2012)
[15] Chip Ingram, Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships, (Kiev: Walk thru the
Bille, 2006), 48
[16] Michal (heb. מיכל) was a daughter of Saul, first King of Israel, who
loved and became the wife of David (1 Samuel 18:20-27)
[17] Such understanding was presented in a newly published translated book
in Russia from David and Diana Harland, Problematic families in the Bible
(Novosibirsk, Posoch, 2011), 128-129
[18] Ibid., 130.
[19] Bergen, R. D. (2001). Vol. 7: 1, 2 Samuel (electronic ed.). Logos
Library System; The New American Commentary (332). Nashville: Broadman &
Holman Publishers.
[20] Tom Constable. (2003; 2003). Tom Constable's Expository Notes on the
Bible (2 Sa 6:12). Galaxie Software.
[21] Jay E. Adams. Christian living in the home. (P & R Publishing, July 1,
1989), 7
[22] Arichea, D. C., & Nida, E. A. (1994). A handbook on the first letter
from Peter. UBS handbook series; Helps for translators (97). New York:
United Bible Societies.
[23] Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest's word studies from the Greek New Testament
: For the English reader (1 Pe 3:8). Grand Rapids: Eerdmans.
[24] Barnes, A. (1884-885). Notes on the New Testament: James to Jude (R.
Frew, Ed.) (165). London: Blackie & Son.
[25] Plumptre, E. H. (1890). The General Epistles of St Peter and St Jude,
with Notes and Introduction. The Cambridge Bible for Schools and Colleges
(126). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
[26] Utley, R. J. D. (2001). Vol. Volume 2: The Gospel According to Peter:
Mark and I & II Peter. Study Guide Commentary Series (240). Marshall,
Texas: Bible Lessons International.
[27] Dwight Hervey Small. After You've Said I Do: New Ways to Communicate
in Marriage (Pillar Books; First Thus edition, January 1, 1976), 27-28
[28] Wayne Mack, Your Family God's Way (P & R Publishing (October 1, 1991),
43
[29]The idea was taken from here
http://www.lifeaction.org/static/uploads/media/pdf/infuse_podcast/four_rule_
of_communication.pdf (accessed May 10,2012)
[30] «Problems of young couples in Russia» http://www.tass-
ural.ru/analytics/10.html (accessed May 10,2012)
[31] T. David Gordon, Why Johnny Can't Preach: The Media Have Shaped the
Messenger (P & R Publishing, February 27, 2009), 53-55
[32] Bill Mills, Naked and Unashamed: Recapturing Family Intimacy
(Leadership Resources International, 2005), 151
[33] «PAUSE principle»
http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958155/k.A1D0/PAUSE_Principle
.htm (accessed May 10,2012)
[34] Joanne Heim, Happily Ever After: A Real-Life Look at Your First Year
of Marriage . . . and Beyond (Kregel Publications, September 12, 2006), 51
[35] Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage»,
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-
change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)
[36] «Player in marriage»
http://theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/marriage-monday-prayer-
in-marriage/
[37] Stanley, Trathen, McCain and Bryan, A Lasting Promise, A Christian
Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage (John Wiley & Sons , 1998), 105
[38] Jerry Jones, 201 Great Questions (NavPress, November 1, 1988)
[39] Jerry Jones, 201 Great Questions for Married Couples (NavPress, June
3, 1999)
[40] the idea was taken from Cindy Wright
http://www.marriagemissions.com/monthly-planning-times-with-your-spouse/
(accessed May 10, 2012)