Aristophanes: THESMOPORIAZUSAE—a translation as close to literal as possible

Thesmophoriazusae [Women Celebrating the Festival of the Thesmophoria1] By Aristophanes (trans. T. L. Pangle; for the accurate rendition into English of colloquial obscenities, about which I know almost nothing, I am entirely indebted to Jeffrey Henderson's unrivalled Maculate Muse: Obscene Language in Attic Comedy [Oxford U. Press, 1991]) 2 Mnesilochus Euripides A servant of Agathon Agathon Female Herald Chorus of the Thesmophoriazusae Woman A: Mica (or “Little One”) Woman B Cleisthenes Critylla Policeman Scythian Echo MNESILOCHUS: Oh Zeus! When then is the swallow going to appear?3 The fellow is destroying me, with his wandering since daybreak! Is it possible, before you’ve completely cast my spleen out of me, To learn from you where you are taking me, Oh Euripides? 5 EURIPIDES: But you do not need to hear all the things that immediately You will see in front of you! I don’t need to hear?

Mn.: What are you saying? Explain again. Eur.: Not the things that you are about to see. 1 A multi-day, round-the-clock, exclusively women’s Autumn festival, at which the underworld Goddesses of fertility, Demeter and Persephone, were worshipped, in part through indecent speech and worship of pudenda and phalloi, paradoxically combined with sexual abstinence and bloody anti-male rituals; the third or “Middle” day was a fast day, on which the present drama is supposed to take place. The sanctuary for the celebration in Athens is at the Pnyx, close to where the Assembly meets. 2 The name may mean “In Memory of the [Difficult?] Childbirth” or perhaps “In Memory of the Ambush”; the father of Euripides was named Mnesarchus or Mnesarchides [“In Memory of the Office or Rule”]. 3 The sign of evening.

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Mn.: So then I don’t need to see? Eur.: Not the things, at least, that it would be necessary to hear. Mn.: How are you advising me? You do speak cleverly! 10 Aren’t you declaring that I don’t need either to hear or to see? Eur.: For the nature of each of the two is distinct. Mn.: Of not hearing nor seeing? Eur.: Know it well. Mn.: How distinct?

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Eur.: Let the matters be distinguished thus, then: When Ether of the first things was divided, And bred moving living things in herself, For that which needed to see, She first devised The eye, a mimic of the wheel of the Sun, And for hearing—a funnel, the ear, She bored. Mn.: So through the funnel I can neither hear nor see? By Zeus! I am delighted to have learned this too! Such surely is the intercourse with the wise! Eur.: You would learn many such things from me. Mn.: How then, in addition to these good things, would I discover How I might also learn to be lame in the foot?4

25 Eur.: Walk over here and apply your mind! Mn. Here I am. Eur.: You see this little door? Mn.: By Heracles, I think so, anyway! Eur.: Silence! Mn. Silence the little door?!

4 Aristophanes frequently lampoons Euripides for introducing so many lame heroes in his tragedies.

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Eur. Hear! Mn.: I am hearing and silencing the little door?? Eur. It is here that Agathon, the famous tragic poet, happens to dwell! 30 Mn.: Who’s this Agathon? Eur.: There is a certain Agathon— Mn.: You don’t mean the tough dark one?5 Eur.: NO! NO! Another one! You’ve never seen him? Mn.: Not the one with the shaggy beard? Eur. You have never seen him! Mn. By Zeus, not that I know of! 35 Eur.: You’ve probably fucked him, but wouldn’t know it! But let’s crouch out of the way, because coming out is A servant of his with fire and myrtles: Probably to pray for poetry. 40

SERVANT: Let the whole people hold reverent silence, Keeping their mouths SHUT! For there is a visitation Of a bevy of the Muses under this roof— The Song-making Mistresses! And let Ether be calm, without puffs, And let the sea’s shining wave not roll!

45 Mn.: Bullshit! Eur.: Silence! —What’s he saying? Serv.: And let the race of winged ones go to sleep, And let the wood-ranging feet of the wild beasts Not be loosened! Mn.: Bullshit, on top of bullshit! Serv.: For Agathon, of the beautiful verses, 50 Our champion, is about to—

5 Agathon was famous for his soft, fair beauty.

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Mn.: Get fucked? Serv.: Who said that!? Mn.: The windless Ether. Serv.: To lay the keel that is the beginning of a new drama! And he is bending the joints of the verses, And some he turns, and some he glues together, 55 And he beats out proverbs, and he makes up epithets, And he pours out wax, and rolls sounds in his throat, And pours out castings. Mn.: And screws around! Serv.: Who is bringing crudities under the eaves of this house?! 60

Mn.: Someone who is ready, for you and your poet With the beautiful verses, to roll around and rub Right into the “eaves” With this pecker, and “pour out some casting.” Serv. Well, old man, you must have been a hybristic fellow in your youth!

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Eur.: Oh you demonic one, lay off this stuff! —And you: Use every art to call Agathon hither! Serv.: Don’t plead! For he himself will soon come out. For he is beginning to make verses. Since the weather’s cold, It isn’t easy to mold the strophes, Unless he comes outside under the sun.

70 Mn.: So what should I do? Eur.: Just wait; since he’s coming out. Mn.: Oh Zeus! What do you intend to do to me today? By the gods, I want to know What’s afoot! Why do you sigh? What is bothering you? You shouldn’t conceal it from me, since I’m your in-law. 75 Eur.: There is a great evil already kneaded up for me. Mn.: What sort? Eur.: On this day, judgment will be rendered Whether Euripides will continue to live or will die! Mn.: And how so? For now the law courts at least are not going to

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Render judgment, nor is there a sitting of the council, Since this is the third and intermediate day of the Thesmophoria. Eur.: This is the very thing that I expect to kill me! For the women have plotted against me, and In the temple of the two Thesmophorians [i.e., the goddesses] they’re going, this day To hold an assembly for my destruction! Mn.: But why?

85 Eur.: Because I write tragedy and speak badly of them. Mn.: By Poseidon, what you would suffer is just! But so, what device do you have to escape these things? Eur.: To persuade the tragic poet Agathon To go to the temple of the two Thesmophorians. Mn.: To do what? Tell me! 90 Eur.: To join the assembly, with the women, and if necessary To speak up for me. Mn.: Openly, or covertly? Eur.: Covertly, having put on woman’s clothing. Mn.: An elegant plan, and very much in your style! For we take the cake in artful contrivance! 95 Eur.: Silence! Mn.: What is it? Eur.: Agathon is coming out. Mn.: Which one is he? Eur.: This one in the stage machine.6 Mn.: But I must be blind! Because I do not see Any man existing here, but I do see Cyrene.7 6 A contrivance by which the interior of a stage room was revealed by the rotation of a platform. 7 A notoriously loose woman.

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Eur.: Silence! For he is getting ready to sing a song. [Agathon apparently emits a delicate trill.] 100 Mn.: “The Straight Path of the Ant?”—or what is he plaintively singing? AGATHON [singing lines for actor in play he is writing]: “Receiving the lamp sacred to the Underworld Deities, Maidens, dance the chorus with the shout Of your fatherland’s song of liberty!” Agathon [as chorus of maidens]: “For whom of the divinities is the revel? Tell, now! And in good faith I am ready To pay obeisance to the divinities!”

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[as actor]: “Come now, Muse, congratulate The Drawer of the golden bows, Phoebus [Apollo], who has settled in the 110 Vales of the land of Simois [river]!” [as chorus]: “Greetings, with most beautiful songs, Phoebus, who brings the prize Among the honors for those well inspired by the Muses!” [as actor]: “And of Her in the oak-bearing mountains, The Maiden, sing!— Artemis of the fields!”

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[as chorus]: “I follow, singing congratulations To the sacred offspring of Leto: Artemis the-one-without-experience-of-being-bedded!” 120

[as actor]: “And of Leto, and of strokes upon the Asian lyre, With foot keeping time to the good rhythms of the Phrygian Graces!”

[as chorus]: “I worship Leto the Queen and The cithara, mother of hymns, 125 With respectable male song, By virtue of which, and of us, light flashes from the demonic eyes Through a sudden glance. On account of which, Celebrate Lord Phoebus with honor! Greeting, happy child of Leto!” 130

Mn.: Wow! How sweet the song, Oh Mistresses of generation, How feminine and redolent of tongue-kissing And tonguing, so that as I listened, A titillation arose out of my very bottom!

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And you, young fellow, whoever you are, in the words of Aeschylus From the Lycurgia,8 I want to ask you: “From whence is this pussy? Who’s his father? Where’d he get those clothes?” Why this confusion of lifestyle?—Why singing to a professional lyre, But in a saffron robe? And why a lyre, but with a woman’s headdress? Why gymnastic oil, but a girl’s girdle? It doesn’t fit together! What’s in common between a mirror and a sword? Who ARE you, lad? Were you brought up as a man? And where’s your pecker? Your male cloak? Your Laconian shoes? But you look like a woman: but then where are the tits? What do you have to say? . . . Why are you silent? . . . But then from the song Must I figure you out, since you are not willing to speak for yourself?

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Ag.: O elder, elder, I have heard the blame of envy, And it gives me no pain. I wear the clothes that suit my wise judgment. For, a real man who is a poet 150 Takes on the characteristics suitable to the dramas which he must make. So if one makes feminine dramas, One must make one’s body partake of those ways. Mn.: So you ride a man, when you dramatize Phaedra? Ag.: If courage/manliness is the subject of one’s poetry, then this 155 Characterizes the body; and for characteristics which we do not possess, An imitation must be hunted down. Mn.: Well, when you dramatize satyrs, call me, So that I can help dramatize by sticking it up your behind! Ag.: But it’s especially unmusical to see a poet Who’s rustic and hairy. Note that Your Ibycus,9 and Anacreon,10 and the Teian Alcaeus,11 who brought tone-downed temper into melody,

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8 A lost tetralogy; the quote is apparently from the Edonians, where it is addressed to the rather effeminate Dionysus. 9 Famous lyric poet, born in Rhegium about 560. 10 Another celebrated lyric poet, born in Teos about 540.

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Wore the headband, and moved in the Ionic fashion— And Phrynicus (for this I have heard), Was himself a beauty and dressed beautifully: And that is why his dramas were beautiful; For necessity dictates that one’s poetry be similar to one’s nature.

Mn.: So that’s why Philocles, being ugly, makes ugly poetry, And Xenocles,12 being vile, makes vile poetry, 170 And Theognis, 13 again, being cold, writes cold poetry! Ag.: By complete necessity. Knowing these things, I Look after myself. Mn. How, in the name of the gods? Eur.: Stop barking! Oh! I too was such, When I was that age, when I began to write poetry! 175

Mn.: By Zeus! I do not envy you your education! Eur.: But let me say why I have come. Ag.: Speak! Eur.: Agathon, it is the part of a wise man To be able beautifully to compress much speech into brief utterance. And, since I am struck by strange trouble, I have come to you as a suppliant.

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Ag.: Needing what? Eur.: The women are about to destroy me this day, At the Thesmophoriae, because I speak badly of them. Ag.: So how can we benefit you?

Eur.: In every way. For if you sat in secret 185 Among the women, seeming to be a woman, You could answer for me, clearly saving me! 11 Yet another renowned lyric poet, from Mytilene in Lesbos, flourished about 600. 12 See below, note to line 441. 13 Famous poet of proverbial wisdom, born in Megara 583.

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For you alone would speak of me as I deserve. Ag.: But then why can’t you make your apologia in person? Eur.: I’ll explain to you: first, I will be recognized; Then, I’m grey, and I have a beard; But you are good-looking, fair, shaven, With a woman’s voice, soft, fine to behold.

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Ag.: Euripides, Eur.: Yes, what is it? Ag.: You once wrote, “You rejoice seeing the light; does it not seem to you that your father also rejoices?”14 195

Eur.: I did. Ag.: Do not now expect us to bear your evil. For we would be insane. But you must bear as your own what is yours. For it is just to bear troubles not by artful devices But by passive sufferings.

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Mn.: And you, inasmuch as you are an ass-man, are stretched in the anus Not by speeches but by “passive sufferings!” Eur.: What is it that you are afraid of if you go there? Ag.: I would be destroyed in a worse fashion than you! Eur.: Why?

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Ag.: WHY? Because I am thought to steal the night work of women And to plunder the femininity of the Cyprian [Aphrodite]. Mn.: Behold the theft! By Zeus, you are fucked! Still, by Zeus, that’s a reasonable excuse. Eur.: What then? Will you do it?

14 Euripides Alcestis 691; Pheres addresses this remark to his son Admetus, who is expecting his father to die in his place. The same line is parodied at Clouds 1415, where Strepsiades addresses his son Pheidippides.

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Ag.: Nope. Eur.: Oh thrice ill-starred Euripides is finished! 210

Mn.: Oh my dearest in-law, do not abandon yourself! Eur.: So what shall I do? Mn.: Bid this fellow go howl, And take me, to use as you wish! Eur.: Come now, since you have handed yourself over to me, Strip off the cloak! Mn.: It’s on the ground. What are you going to do to me?

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Eur.: Shave you up here, And singe the nether parts. Mn.: But go ahead, if you think so! Otherwise it would do no good for me to hand myself over. Eur.: Agathon, you always carry a razor, Let us use a razor now. Ag.: Take it yourself From the razor case here.

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Eur.: You’re a prince! You, sit. Blow out your right cheek. Mn.: Egad! Eur.: What are you croaking about? I’m going to gag you, If you don’t keep quiet! Mn.: Woe is me ! Woe is me! Eur.: Hey, you! Where are you running to? 225

Mn.: To the seat of the august gods! Because—by Demeter!—I’m not staying here To be cut up! Eur.: Then won’t you be quite ridiculous, With half your face shaved, the other half unshaven? Mn.: I care little!

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Eur.: In the name of the gods, in no way Forsake me! Come back here! Mn.: Ill-starred am I! 230

Eur.: Hold yourself still and look up; why are you turning? Mn.: Mmmm. Eur. : Why are you murmuring? Everything’s been done in fine fashion! Mn.: Alas, ill-starred am I: I’m going to war beardless!15 Eur.: Don’t give it a thought! For you appear in a most fitting manner. You want to take a look at yourself? Mn.: If so it is to be, bring it here!

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Eur.: Do you see yourself? Mn.: No, by Zeus! I see Cleisthenes!16 Eur.: Stand up, so that I can singe you off: and hold yourself bent over! Mn.: Alas, ill-starred! I’m going to become a suckling pig! Eur.: Someone bring me out a firebrand or a torch! Bend over! Guard the end of your tail!

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Mn.: I’d watch it, by Zeus, except that it’s on fire! Alas, misery! Water! Water, oh neighbors! Before my anus catches fire! Eur.: Be bold! Mn.: How can I be bold when I’m wasted with fire? Eur.: But you have no more worries; for most of it You’ve already undergone!

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Mn.: Egad, I smell soot! 15 The same word, psilos, means both “shaved” and a “light-armed soldier” (lacking armor.) 16 A famous contemporary effeminate.

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My entire crotch is on fire! Eur.: Don’t give it a thought! Somebody else will sponge it off. Mn.: He’s going to get it, if he tries to abuse my anus! Eur.: Agathon, since you begrudge the gift of your person, At least supply us with a dress for this fellow Along with a sash. For you won’t deny that they’re here about.

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Ag.: Take and use them; I don’t begrudge them! Mn.: What do I take? Ag.: What? First take this yellow one and put it on. Mn.: By Aphrodite! It smells sweetly of a penis! 255

Eur.: Hurry and close it up; now take the sash; behold! Mn.: Come on, arrange it about my legs! Eur.: A headdress and hairnet is needed. Ag.: Here is my Headgear, which I wear at night. Eur.: By Zeus, just the accoutrements!

260 Mn.: So, does it suit me? Eur.: By Zeus, but it is excellent! Wear an overgarment! Ag.: Take one from the couch! Eur.: Shoes are needed. Ag.: Take mine here! Mn.: So, does it suit me? Eur.: You’ll please with your languid air when you wear them! Ag.: You understand this; but you have what was needed; Someone turn me back in as quickly as possible!

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Eur.: This is our man, with a woman’s form indeed! When you chatter, see to it that you do so with a woman’s

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Voice and convincingly! Mn.: I’ll try! Eur.: Walk, now! Mn.: By Apollo, no, unless you Swear to me—

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Eur.: What? Mn.: To help save me With all your arts, if some evil should befall me. Eur.: I swear now by Ether the home of Zeus!17 Mn.: That’s as if by the household of Hippocrates!18 Eur.: I swear now by the total of all the gods! 275

Mn.: Remember, now, these things: that the mind swore, But the tongue has not sworn19—nor did I so put the oath! Eur.: Make haste! For the signal for the assembly In the Thesmophorion has appeared! I am out of here!

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Mn.: Come follow, Thratta!20 Thratta, look! What a crowd of flaming torches Is coming up under the smoke! But Oh, beautiful twin Thesmophorion goddesses, receive me With good fortune, and bring me back home here again! Thratta, put down the basket, and then take out The ritual cake, so that I can take and sacrifice it to the twin goddesses. Dear much-honored Mistress Demeter And Persephone, [grant] that I may often sacrifice many things to you,

17 Apparently from the lost Euripidean tragedy Wise Melanippe, except that in the original it was “sacred” home of Zeus. 18 Apparently an Athenian general, with rude sons. 19 Referring to a famous line (612) of Euripides’ Hippolytus: “The tongue swore the oath; the mind had no part in the oath.” 20 Apparently a slave.

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And that I may escape notice! And that my daughter’s cunt may happen upon A wealthy husband for me, and especially one that’s a silly fool; And that my pecker-boy become for me intelligent and prudent! Now, where, Oh where, shall I sit in a fine spot, So that I can hear the orators? You, Thratta, make yourself scarce! (For slaves are not allowed to listen to the speeches.) FEMALE HERALD: Let there be auspicious silence! Let there be auspicious silence! Make your prayers to the twin Thesmophorians, To Demeter and to the Maiden, And to Pluto and to Demeter-as-Bearer-of-Fair-Offspring, And to Earth-as-Good-Nursing-Mother, And to Hermes, and to the Graces: To make this present assembly and gathering Most beautiful and best, Very beneficial to the city of the Athenians, And fortunate for us ourselves! And let her who acts and her who publicly speaks The best things concerning the populace [demos] of the Athenians, And that of the women, Carry the victory on account of this! For these things, pray; and things will be well for you yourselves. Sing the Paean! Sing the Paean! Let us rejoice!

CHORUS: We both welcome the race of the gods, and to them Pray these same prayers, That they may manifest themselves bringing their grace. 315 Zeus of the great name! And You [Apollo] of the golden lyre Who possess sacred Delos, and You [Athena] All powerful Maiden, Gray-eyed, Golden-speared, possessing the city That was fought over,21come hither! 320 And the Many-named, the Child-Who-Kills-The-Beasts [Artemis], Golden-faced scion of Leto; And You, august Poseidon of the sea, Sea Lord: leave the depths that seethe with fish! And the maiden daughters of Nereus of the sea, 325 And the mountain-roaming Nymphs! And let the golden harp Shout its Bacchic cry over Our prayers! And let us in perfection Assemble, well-born 330 Daughters of Athens! 21 Athens at the beginning was fought over between Poseidon and Athena.

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Fem. Herald: Pray to the Olympian gods And to the Olympian goddesses, and to the Pythian gods, And to the Pythian goddesses, and to the Delian gods, And to the Delian goddesses, and to the other gods: 335 If someone is plotting some evil against the populace [demos] Of the women, or publicly proclaims, With Euripides and the Medes, some harm Against the women, or is thinking of tyranny Or of helping bring the tyrant back, or denounces 340 A woman palming off a child as her own, or if the slavegirl Belonging to some procurer tells tales in whispers to her master, Or if someone, when sent as messenger, carries a false report, Or if a male adulterer deceives with false speech, And does not deliver what he once promised, 345 Or if some old hag gives gifts to a male adulterer, Or if a courtesan receives gifts and betrays her lover, And if some male or female trader Corrupts the lawful liquid measures of wine— May this person be evilly destroyed himself, and may his house 350 Be cursed! But pray that to all the rest of you The gods give many and good things! Chor.: We join in the prayer that perfectly For the city, and perfectly for the populace [demos] These prayers be fulfilled, 355 And that as many as speak the best things Obtain victory! And as many as deceive, And contravene the Lawful oaths 360 For the sake of doing harm with a view to gain, By votes and law Seeking to change sides, And the secrets to our Enemies uttering, 365 Or inviting the Medes to the land, For the sake of doing harm with a view to gain, They commit impiety and commit injustice against the city! But Oh almighty Zeus, you will be sovereign over these matters, so that 370 The gods will be by our side, Even though we are women! Fem. Herald: Listen everyone! The following things are pleasing to the Council Of the women, with Timokleia [“Gloriously Honorable”] presiding, Lysilla [“Freely Satirical”] as secretary, and Sostrate [“Savior of the Army”] the

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Speaker: to hold an assembly in the early morning on the Middle-day Of the Thesmophoriae, when there is special leisure for us, And make it our business to decide first about Euripides— What that fellow ought to suffer! For he commits injustice Against all of us. Who wishes to speak up?

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MICA: Me!

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Fem. Herald: Put this on first before you speak!22 Chor.: Silence! Quiet! Pay attention! For she’s hawking and spitting, Just like the orators do! (Looks like she’s going to make a long speech.) Mica: Not at all on account of love of honor—by the Twin Goddesses!— Do I rise to speak, Oh women! It is rather because 385 For a long time now I have borne in misery The sight of you spattered with mud by That grocery woman’s son, Euripides, Hearing his many evil pronouncements of all sorts! For with what of evils has this fellow NOT smeared us?! 390 And has he not slandered us wherever There is even a small group of spectators and tragedians and choruses?— Calling us adulteresses in our ways, lovers of men, Tipplers, traitresses, chatterers, Without any health, a great evil for the men; 395 So that as soon as they come home from the [theater-] benches They look us over and immediately investigate Whether there is some adulterer hidden within! And it is not possible for us to do anything as we could before! Such are the evils this fellow has taught 400 Our men! The result is, if some woman weaves A garland, she is held to be in love! And if she errs by dropping A dish in the house, Some man loves her!—“For whom did that pot fall? Must be that Corinthian visitor!”23 405 A girl falls sick; immediately her brother says, “I don’t like this color of the girl!” Or, if some woman wants to pass off another’s child as her own When she lacks children, she can’t do it without detection! For the men are now perched nearby! 410 As regards the old men who before used to marry the young, 22 A garland was worn while speaking in the Assembly at Athens; the Herald’s language and procedure apparently follows in mock fashion the procedure at a regular assembly of the male citizens. 23 A reference to the hero Bellerophon in the lost Stheneboea of Euripides.

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He has slanderously said—making it such that no old man Is willing to marry a woman on account of this saying: “For a woman becomes a female despot to an old bridegroom.”24 And it is because of this fellow that the female parts of the house Are closed up with seals now, and they watch us with bolts, And in addition they rear Molossian Dogs as specters to frighten adulterers. These things you might tolerate; but in addition, it used to be before him That we ourselves were the keepers of the stores, and could stealthily Take grain, oil, wine—but these things too are no longer Possible. For now the men themselves Carry the most evilly disposed secret keys Of Laconian make, having three teeth. Before him, in order to open a door All that women needed to do was to get hold of a three-obol ring, But now this slave-raised-at-home Euripides Has taught them to have worm-eaten seals Attached. So therefore in my opinion for this fellow We ought to concoct some destruction somehow or other— Either with poisons or by some single artfulness, So that he will be destroyed. These things I openly say, And others I will write down with the secretary.

Chor.: Never have I heard A woman more multifariously weaving than this one, Nor more terrific at speaking! For she speaks all that is just, has Closely sifted all categories [forms, ideas], has given thought to Everything with an acute mind, and found varied arguments well sought out— 440 So that even if against her should speak Xenocles the Crab,25 he would seem, I think, To all of us to say nothing in opposition! 435

WOMAN B: I step up to add only a few words; For she has well pronounced on the other matters; 445 But I want to speak about the things I have suffered. My husband died in Cyprus 24 From the lost Phoenix of Euripides. 25 Xenocles was a noted tragedian, who also apparently had a career as an orator. Xenocles won the prize for the best play in 415, four years before the Thesmophoriazusae was first presented, defeating Euripides among others; the father of Xenocles, named Carcinus, which means “crab,” was also a noted tragedian (as well as commander of the Athenian fleet in 431). See Wasps 1500ff., where both father and son play brief roles.

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Leaving five little children, whom I with difficulty Have fed by weaving garlands in the myrtle markets. So for a while I have fed them only half badly; But now this fellow by making his tragedies Has persuaded the men that gods do not exist, With the result that they do not buy even half as much. Now therefore I beseech and I say to all To punish this man on account of many things: For he does savage evils to us, Oh women, Such as the wild herbs he was raised among.26 But I am going away to the agora; for it is necessary to Weave garlands commissioned for twenty men.

Chor.: This is another example of outspokenness [piece of insolence?] More subtle yet than the earlier, that has come to light! How she has spoken, with a ready tongue, things That are not untimely—with intelligence And much-woven thought, not Foolish, but all persuasive! 465 But for this hybris it is necessary That the man pay to us a manifest judicial penalty! 460

Mn.: Oh woman, to be of especially keen anger [thumos] against Euripides, When you have heard such evils, is not amazing— Nor that your anger boils. And I myself—as I may enjoy my children!— 470 Hate that man, for otherwise I’d be mad. But nevertheless we should speak among ourselves; For we are by ourselves, and there will be no publication of the discussion. So why, for these things, do we hold that fellow to blame, And bear it harshly, when there are two or three 475 Of our misdeeds of which he has taken cognizance and spoken— When there are a myriad? For I myself, in the first place (so as not to speak of another) Am conscious of having done many terrible things. The most Terrible was, when I was a bride of three days, And my husband fell asleep beside me: I had a boyfriend, 480 Who had taken my virginity when I was seven. This fellow, out of longing for me, came scratching at the door; And I knew immediately it was him; and I started down in stealth; And my husband asked, “where are going down to?”— “Where? A churning has seized my stomach, giving me pain; 485 So I am going to move my bowels!”—“Go now!” He for his part pounded together juniper and anise and sage;27 26 Another dig at the lowly trade of Euripides’ grocer mother. 27 A stomach remedy.

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I for my part, pouring water over the hinge, Went outside for adultery. Then I was screwed, Bent over by Aguia’s28 laurel. Now notice that Euripides never said anything about these matters; Nor does he speak about how we are humped by the slaves, and by the muleteers, If we have no one else around; Nor about how when we are screwed by someone During the night, in the early morning we chew garlic, So that the husband, smelling it when he comes back from the walls, Will not suspect that anything wrong has been done. These things, you see, He never mentions. If he does badmouth Phaedra, What’s that to us? For he never mentions those matters— Such as about the women who showed her husband her shawl Under the [sun’s] rays, hiding thereby the Adulterer she was sending off—he never mentioned it! And I know another woman who claimed to be in birth-pangs For ten days—until she could buy the baby! And the husband was running everywhere to buy reliefs for the labor; While an old woman brought in the baby in a pot, Gagged with honeycomb, so it wouldn’t cry; And then when the bringer nodded,at once the wife shrieked to him: “Get out! Get out! For now I feel about To give birth!” (for it kicked at the belly of the pot); He runs out rejoicing, and she pulls the gag From the baby’s mouth, which cries out. Then the miserable old woman, who brought the baby, Runs smiling to the husband and says, “A lion, a lion, has been born to you: your very image, In every respect once and for all; and the penis, Exactly like yours—twisted like a pine cone!” Isn’t it the case that we do these evils? By Artemis, We do! And we’re angry at Euripides, Having suffered nothing greater than what we do?!29 Chor.: This is amazing! Where does she get this? And what land nourished Such brazen boldness?! For that a wicked woman would say these things, In public, thus shamelessly

28 The name for Apollo in his role as guardian of the streets. 29 An echo of lines from the lost Telephus of Euripides: “And we get angry, when we are suffering nothing more than what we do?!”

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530

I would not have thought would occur among us, Nor that it would ever be dared! But anything may happen! And I praise the proverb Of old: for under every stone One must for The orator’s bite watch out! But there is not by nature anything worse, in all respects, than shameless women30— Except maybe women!

Mica: By the Field-Dweller,31 Oh women, take good counsel. And either provide a remedy or else you will suffer some great evil, 535 If you allow this disastrous utterance of such hybris Against all of us! If someone is ready, fine; but if not, we Ourselves , and the slave girls, taking up some coals, Will depilate her cunt, so that she’ll learn As a woman not to speak evilly of women again! 540

Mn.: No, not the cunt, Oh women! For if freedom Of speech was permitted, and any of us who are citizenesses present could speak, And if I in ignorance uttered just things on behalf of Euripides, On this account should I be depilated to pay the just penalty on your behalf?!

Mica: Should you not pay the just penalty?—here she is, the only one who dared 545 To speak in reply on behalf of this man, who has done us many evils Having found ready words, wherever a wicked woman Appears: Melannipe he has put into poetry, and Phaedra; but Penelope He has never put into poetry, because she seems to be a sensible woman! Mn.: And I know the reason why: you wouldn’t say that 550 Penelope is one of the women around now, while every one is a Phaedra! Mica: Do you hear, Oh women, what sort of things the wicked one has said Once again about all of us?! Mn.: And by Zeus, I haven’t yet Said everything that I know! For do you want me to say more? 30 An echo of a line from the lost Melanippe-Desmotis of Euripides: “nothing comes into being that is worse than a bad woman.” 31 An epithet of Pan.

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Mica: But you couldn’t—you’ve poured out all the things you know! 555

Mn.: By Zeus, not yet one thousandth part of the things we do! Since, look, I haven’t yet spoken of these things: how we take the bath oil-scrapers And siphon off the grain! Mica: You are really irritating! Mn.: How, again, we give to our panderers the meat from the Apaturian32 meals, And then say the cat— Mica: That hurts, you loudmouth!

560

Mn.: I haven’t told about the wife who used an axe to make her husband bite the dust! Nor about how another drove her husband mad with poisons, Nor about how under the reservoir— Mica: Go to perdition! Mn.: The Acharnian girl buried her father! Mica: Is hearing this to be tolerated?!

Mn.: Nor how you, when your slave bore a male, 565 Substituted it as your own for your daughter that you left with her! Mica: By the Twin Goddesses, you will not with impunity say these things, But I’ll pull out your hair! Mn.: By Zeus, you won’t touch me! Mica: Watch it! Mn.: Watch it! Mica: Hold my cloak, Philista! Mn.: Just approach, and by Artemis, you’ll— Mica: What? What’ll you do?

32 A three day festival of the clans or tribes celebrated in Athens and among the Ionians generally, which began with a tribal feast on the first evening.

Aristophanes’ Thesmophoriazusae

Mn.: I’ll make you shit that sesame cake you ate!33

570

Chor.: Cease wrangling! For some woman Is hurrying at a run toward us! So before she gets here, Quiet down, in order that we may in an orderly fashion learn what she has to say. CLEISTHENES: Dear women, who are kin of my ways! That I am your friend, is evident from my cheeks. For I am madly effeminate and always your go-between. And now, having heard a major matter concerning you That was being chattered about a little while ago in the agora, I have come to protect and bring you the message, so that 580 You will watch out and take care lest Something terrible and great befall you, unguarded! 575

Chor.: What is it, child? —For it is reasonable to call you “child,” So long as your cheeks are thus hairless. Cl.: They say that Euripides has 585 Today sent here a certain old man who is his relative by marriage! Chor.: To do what or in order to learn what? Cl.: So that whatever you deliberate and would be about to do, That fellow would be a spy of your discussions! Chor.: And how would he escape notice among the women, being a man? 590

Cl.: Euripides has singed and depilated him, And fixed him up in all other respects like a woman! Mn.: Can you believe the things this guy is saying?! What man would be so Foolish as to let himself be depilated?! I for my part don’t believe it, Oh ye much honored Twin Goddesses!

595

Cl.: You’re talking nonsense! For I would not have come as messenger, If I had not learned these things from those who know surely.

Chor.: This is terrible news! But women, we must not rest, But look for the man and seek where 600 He is sitting hidden, having escaped our notice! And you, help find him, since that will add another cause of gratitude That you will have, our go-between! 33 In violation of the sacred fast.

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23

Cl.: Look here! Who, first, are YOU? Mn.: (Where is one to turn?) Cl. For you [pl.] must be searched! Mn.: (Ill-fated am I!) Mica: Who am I, you ask? The wife of Cleonymus.34

605

Cl.: Do you [pl.] know who this woman is? Chor.: We certainly do know HER; but inspect the others. Cl.: Who’s this one here with the baby? Mica: She’s my nursemaid, by Zeus! Mn.: (I’m finished!) 610

Cl.: Hey, you, where are you going? Stay here! What’s wrong? Mn.: Let me go piss! Cl.: You are shameless! But go and do it. I will wait here.

Chor.: Wait indeed, and inspect her closely; For she’s the only one we don’t recognize! [Delay] 615 Cl.: You took a long time to piss! Mn.: By Zeus, fellow! It’s because I’m blocked! Yesterday I ate a cardamom seed. Cl.: Why are you chattering about cardamom? Walk over here to me! Mn.: Why are you pulling me, when I’m weak? Who’s your husband?

Cl.: Tell me,

34 A crony of Cleon’s, and a frequent butt of Aristophanes, as being fat, gluttonous, a perjurer, and a coward: see Acharnians 88; Knights 1290-99, 1372; Clouds 353-54, 399-400; Wasps 592-93, 822-23; Peace 446, 670-79, 1295-1304; Birds 289-90, 1470-80.

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Mn.: You’re asking who’s my husband? 625 You know—the terrible fellow from Cothocidae? Cl.: The terrible fellow? Who? Mn.: He’s that terrible one, who once Did to that terrible fellow, the son of that terrible fellow— Cl.: You seem to me to be talking nonsense! Have you been up here before? Mn.: By Zeus, every year! Cl.: And who’s your tent-buddy? 625

Mn.: That terrible one, you know. Cl.: Egad, you are saying nothing! Mica: Get out of the way! For I shall test this one in a fine way, On the basis of last year’s sacred rites. But you, stand off away from me, So that you, being a man, won’t overhear. But you, tell me: What was it of the sacred rites that first came to sight for us?

630

Mn.: Let’s see, what WAS first? —We drank! Mica: And what was second after that? Mn.: We did more preliminary drinking? Mica: You heard that from someone! What was third? Mn.: Zenulla asked for a bucket; because there wasn’t a chamber-pot.

Mica: You’re talking nonsense! Come here, come here, Cleisthenes! 635 This is the man, of whom you spoke! Cl.: So what shall I do? Mica: Strip him; for he’s saying nothing sound. Mn.: So then you’ll strip a mother of nine children?! Cl.: Loosen that belt quickly, you shameless one! Mica: How a thick and sturdy she appears! And by Zeus, she doesn’t have tits like we do!

640

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Mn.: That’s because I’m barren, and have never been pregnant. Mica: Yeah, NOW; and BEFORE you were a mother of nine children! Cl.: Stand up straight! Where have you pushed back your penis? Mica: It’s down here, and of good color, you scoundrel! 645

Cl.: But where? Mica: It’s out in front again! Cl.: No, it’s not here! Mica: It’s back here again! Cl.: You’ve got an isthmus there, fellow! Up and down You draw your penis, faster than the Corinthians!35

Mica: This fellow’s an outrage! It was on behalf of Euripides 650 That he slandered us! Mn.: Ill-fated am I, And what troubles I have rolled myself into! Mica: Come, what shall we do? Cl.: Guard this fellow In a fine fashion, so that he doesn’t make a getaway; I shall report these things to the police magistrates!36 655

660

Chor.: After this, we now need to kindle the torches, Right manfully gird our loins, and strip off our outer cloaks, To search if any other man has slipped in here—running around And inspecting the whole Pnyx37 and the tents and the entrances! Come on! First and foremost, we must hurry with light step And search in complete silence; only we must Not delay, since this is not the time for waiting, But first we must run as fast as possible in a circle! Come on now, hunt and search quickly everything,

35 Boats were hauled back and forth on a track at the isthmus of Corinth. 36 The Prytanes, who had responsibility for keeping order in assemblies. 37 The place just west of the Acropolis where the assembly met.

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26

To see if someone else sitting in the places has escaped undetected! Cast your eyes everywhere, And everything here and there Inspect in a fine fashion! For if he does not escape notice doing impious deeds, He will pay the just penalty and in addition to this, 670 Will be for the other men An example of hybris and unjust deeds And godless [atheistic] ways. He will declare that the gods manifestly exist, And he will show then, 675 To all human beings, that they must piously reverence the demonic ones, And justly pursue pious and lawful ways, Contriving to do what is noble. And if they should not do these things, the consequences will be as follows: When one of them shall be taken 680 Doing something impious [? ms. Has “pious things”], burning with frenzies, Deranged with rage, If he does something, Then to all women and mortals he will make it plain to see, That the things contrary to law and the impious things god 685 Immediately punishes. But it’s likely that every place has been inspected in a fine fashion by us; We do not see, at any rate, any other fellow seated. 665

Mica: Hey! Hey! Where are you fleeing to? You, you stay! 690 Alas! Woe is me! My baby He has snatched! Gone, from my breast! Mn.: Wail away! You’ll never pamper this one again, If you don’t let me go! But here over the sacrificial meats Struck by this knife, bleeding veins 695 Shall bloody the altar! Mica: Alas! Woe is me! Women, will you not help? Won’t you give a great shout, Make a stand, turn the tide of victory, and not Watch while I am deprived of my only child? Chor.: Alas! Alas! Oh august Fates, what is this Unheard of monstrosity that I behold?! Everything is full of rash daring and shamelessness! What sort of deed has he done! What sort of thing is this, friends?!

700

Mn.: The sort by which I will shatter your audacity!

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705

Chor.: Are these not terrible deeds and beyond the pale?! Mica: Terrible indeed! For this man has my baby, which he has snatched! Chor.: What could one say in the face of these things, when This fellow has thus shamelessly committed such acts?! Mn.: And I shall never let up!

710

Mica: But you have come to a place from which surely you will not Get away, and basely report What sort of deed you have committed in order to escape; But rather evil will be your lot! Mn.: I pray that this may not come to pass!

715

Chor.: Who now would come for you—who!—to be your ally among The immortal gods, assisting in unjust deeds?! Mn.: You chatter in vain! I won’t give it up!

Chor.: But by the Twin Goddesses! You in all likelihood will not Find joy in hybristically 720 Uttering impious words: Because for your atheistic [godless] deeds We shall pay you back, What is fitting in return for these things! And probably a change for the worse of fortune 725 Will fall upon you and bring about a change in ways! But now you need to bring these out from the woodpile, And set fire the evildoer, and burn him up as fast as possible! Mica: Let’s go get brushwood, Mania!38 And I will show you embers today! 730

735

Mn.: Light it from below and set the fire! But you, Shall swiftly be unwrapped from your Cretan swaddling; for your death, oh child I blame your mother alone among the women! What’s this?! The girl has become a flask Full of wine—despite her little Persian booties! Oh, you red-hot women! Oh you total sots! In every situation you contrive to drink, You great boon to the merchants—and evil to us,

38 “Madness,” “Crazy One.”

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28

And to our property and cloth! Mica: Pile up a lot of brushwood, Mania! 740

Mn.: Pile it up indeed! But you, answer me this: Do you claim you bore this?! Mica: For ten months I carried it! Mn.: You carried it?! Mica: I swear by Artemis! Mn.: In a three-pint pitcher or how? Tell me!

Mica: Why are giving me grief? Shameless one! You have stripped the clothing from 745 My itsy bitsy baby! Mn.: “Itsy-bitsy?!” Mica: Well, small, by Zeus! Mn.: How many years aged is this? Three annual Wine-Jug-Feasts39 or four? Mica: About that, plus the time since the last Dionysia. But give it back! Mn.: As if, by Apollo! Mica: All right, we’ll incinerate you! Mn.: Go ahead, incinerate; But she’ll be immediately sacrificed!

750

Mica: No! I beseech you! Take me and do what you will, Instead of this one! Mn. You are one child-lover by nature! But nevertheless this one will be sacrificed! Mica: Alas for my child! Give me the sacrificial blood-basin, Mania, So that I may take the blood of my child!

755

Mn.: Hold it up—this one favor I’ll do you! 39 The “Wine-Jugs” was the name of the second day of the spring Festival of Anthesteria or Older Dionysia.

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29

Mica: May you perish evilly, for you are spiteful and ill-willed! Mn.: This skin goes to the priestess. Mica: What goes to the priestess? Mn. This: take it! 760

CRITYLLA: Most wretched Mica, who is it that has swept-you-clean-of-your-girl?40 Who has taken away the beloved child? Mica: This evildoer! But since you are here, Guard him, so that I can take Cleisthenes And tell the Prytanes what this fellow has done.

765

770

775

780

785

Mn.: Oh, what device will be my salvation now? What attempt? What conceit? For the one responsible, who Rolled me up in such troubles, Is not making an appearance! Come, who shall I send as messenger To him? —Now I do know a way out From his Palamedes!41 Like that one, oar-blades I’ll write on and send! —Except there are no oar-blades here. Where, Oh where, might I get oar-blades? Where, Oh Where? What if I were to write on these votive slabs here instead of oar-blades, And send them? They’re even better, by far! These are wood, and those were made of wood! Oh hands of mine! You must take in hand the resourceful work! Come, smoothed votive-writing tablets, Receive from the engraving tool News of my troubles. Alas! This “R” is bad! Go on, go on! Oh, what a furrow! Hurry! Hasten by all roads Here and there! Speed is of the essence! Chor.: We will now speak well of our very selves, in the parabasis; And indeed, every fellow publicly pronounces many bad things

40 A pun: the verb “sweep away” has as its root the letters k-o-r-e, which spell “girl.” 41 When Palamedes was put to death at Troy, his brother Oeax conveyed the news to his father by writing the message on oar-blades and throwing them into the sea, to be carried by the currents and winds.

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790

795

800

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30

about the tribe of Women—to the effect that we are bad for human beings, and everything is our fault: Contentions, quarrels, civil strife, grievous troubles, pain, war. Come now: If we are bad, why do you marry us, if indeed we are truly bad?— And forbid us to go out, or to be detected peeping around— Why thus with such great zeal do you wish to guard “the evil?” And if the wife should go out, and then you find “him” at the door, You are mad with rage—at those whom you ought to bless and greet, if indeed truly You find “the evil” gone from inside the house, and you do not encounter it within! And if we sleep in, after having had fun and gotten exhausted, with others, Every fellow goes around among the beds seeking this “evil!” And if we lean out of the window, you try to see “the evil.” And if, being ashamed, she draws back, to a much greater degree does everyone desire To see “the evil” leaning out again! Thus we are evidently Better than you, as can be seen in a test that is ready at hand. We will give a test to see which of us is worse: for we assert that it is you, While you assert that it is us. Let’s investigate and compare each, Setting side by side the NAME of each woman and man. Charminus42 is beaten by Nausimache [“Naval Battle”]: the deeds make it clear. 43 And Cleophon is worse than Salabaccho in every way, surely. And against Aristomache [“Best in Battle”] of old time, against her of Marathon, And Stratonike [“Victorious Army”], no one among you will try to fight! And as regards Euboule [“Good in counsel”], what member of the council is better, of Those who are distinguished, they who gave up to another the council?44 You yourself Won’t claim this! Thus we may boast that we are by far better than the men!

42 A recently defeated admiral (Thucydides 8.41-42). 43 Apparently a notorious woman; this is an insult to a political figure named Cleophon (also lampooned in Frogs 677 and 1532), who twice successfully opposed beneficial peace overtures made by Sparta in the Peloponnesian War: see Diodorus Siculus 13.53 and Aristotle Athenian Constitution 34. 44 A reference to the surrender by the Athenian Council of its power to the oligarchic revolution of the regime of the Four Hundred about a year previous to the first production of this play.

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815

820

825

830

835

840

31

Nor would a woman yoke a team and drive it into the city , showing off the fifty Talents she had stolen from the public funds! The most she lifts Is a measure of grain from her husband, putting it back the next day. But we can offer as evidence many of these fellows Doing these things! And besides this, they are more gluttonous than we, And more thieving, And more vulgar, and more prone to kidnapping for slavery— And surely, as regards the ancestral things They are worse than us at preserving! We, rather than you, still now Keep the [old] loom-bar, the [old] canonical weaving rod, the [old] wool-baskets, The [old] sunshade. But for many of these men of ours Gone is the [old] canonical [spear-shaft] for the spear-head From the homes; And for many other fellows, The “sunshade” [shield] has been cast away From the shoulders on campaign!45 There are many matters in regard to which we women would in a judicial proceeding Justly blame the men; but one is most unnatural: For it ought to be, that if one of us bore a man who contributed to the city, A rank commander, or a general, she should receive some honor— A prominent seat should be given her at the Stenia and Scira,46 And in the other festivals of which we have charge; But if some woman should bear a cowardly and wicked man, Wicked as a commander of a trireme, or wicked as a pilot, She should sit, her head clipped, behind The woman who bears the courageous one. Is it reasonable—Oh City!— That the mother of Hyperbolus47 should sit robed In white, with flowing long hair, near the mother of Lamachus?!48 And can lend out money at interest, when what ought to be the case is,

45 The suggestion is that the modern men are cowards who throw away their shields in order to flee in battle. 46 Women’s festivals; the Scira is the occasion for Aristophanes’ Assemblywomen. 47 A sycophant and demagogue who was the butt of Aristophanes and other comic poets: Clouds 557ff.; Acharnians 845-47; Knights 1300ff., 1363; Wasps 1007; Peace 680ff., 922, 1319; 48 A leading general, who died in the fighting at Syracuse.

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845

If she lent money to someone, no human would pay her interest, But instead would take by violence the money, saying this: “You have borne such an offspring deserve no more gain!”49

Mn.: I‘m squinting from expectation; but no sign of him yet. What in the world is holding him up? . . . It is not possible that He doesn’t feel ashamed of his Palamedes on account of it being cold [with age]! So with what drama should I draw him? 850 I know! I shall imitate the new Helen! I’m all set with the woman’s garb! Crit.: Now what are you concocting? Why are you peering around? You’ll soon see a bitter Helen, if you don’t behave yourself In an orderly fashion, until someone comes from the Prytanes! 855

Mn.: “ These are the beautiful virginal streams of the Nile, Which, instead of the divine drop, the pale plain of Egypt Moistens, along with the dark-robed people.”50 Crit.: You are unscrupulous, by Hecate the Light-bearer!51

Mn.: “My fatherland is the not unknown 860 Sparta, and my father is Tyndareus.”52 Critylla: You plague! Was HE your father? Surely it was Phrynondas!53 Mn.: “And I was called Helen.”54 49 A play on the word for “interest,” which was the same as the word for “offspring.” 50 The first two lines replicate the first two lines of the Helen of Euripides, where Helen is the speaker; the third line in Euripides reads: “waters, with white melting snow—the land.” In the new version of the third line, the word for “robe” is close to the word for emetic or laxative, which according to Herodotus (1.71) was in common use among the Egyptians: see also Peace 1254. 51 Goddess of sorcery. 52 Equivalent to lines 16-17 of Helen. 53 A proverbial rascal. 54 Line 22 of Helen.

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Crit.: Again he becomes a woman, Before having paid the just penalty for the other woman-impersonation! Mn.: “Many souls, on account of me, in the streams of the Scamander 865 Have died.”55 Crit.: A boon if yours as well! Mn.: “And I am here; but my unhappy husband Menelaus does not yet arrive! Why do I yet live?” Crit.: For the crows to do evil on! Mn.: “But I feel as if something is wagging my heart! Do not, Oh Zeus, falsify my hope!”

870

Euripides: “Who holds sway over these fortified halls,”56 Who would receive from the tossing sea strangers, Weary in storm and in shipwrecks? Mn.: These roofs belong to Proteus.57 Eur.: Proteus who? 875

Crit.: Oh thrice ill-starred one, he’s lying, by the Twin Goddesses! For Proteus58 has been dead ten years! Eur.: On what land has our skiff put to shore? Mn.: Egypt. Eur.: Oh wretched am I, to have sailed here!59 Crit.: Are you putting trust in this fellow, this ill-bathed

55 Lines 52-53 of Helen. 56 Line 68 of Helen, spoken by Teucer. 57 Close to line 459 of Helen. 58 There was an Athenian general named Proteas: Thucydides 1.45, 2.23. 59 Line 461 of Helen.

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880

Nonsense-prattler? This is the Thesmophorion! Eur.: Is Proteus himself inside, or is he out?60 Crit.: Stranger, you must not have gotten over your seasickness yet!— You’ve heard that Proteus is dead, And then you ask, “Is he inside, or out?”!

885

Eur.: Alas! He has died! Where is he entombed in his grave? Mn.: This is his tomb,61 on which I’m sitting. Crit.: Perish foully!—And you will perish for sure,

60 Close to lines 465 and 467 of Helen. 61 Close to the first half of line 466 of Helen.

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You who have dared to call an altar a tomb!62 Eur.: Why, Oh Lady Stranger, do you sit on these tombs 890 Veiled by your shroud? Mn.: I am by force To share the marriage bed of the son of Proteus! Crit.: Why, you ill-starred one, are you again deceiving the stranger?! Stranger, this evildoer has come hither To steal the gold of the women! 895

Mn.: Bark away!—throw your blame upon my body! Eur.: Lady stranger, who’s the old hag who’s reviling you? Mn.: This is Theonoe, the daughter of Proteus. Crit.: By the Twin Goddesses, If I’m not Critylla the daughter of Antitheos of Gargettus! And YOU are an evildoer!

900

Mn. Say as much as you wish! For never shall I marry your brother And betray my husband Menelaus at Troy! Eur.: Woman! What are you saying?! Turn, shine your eyes! Mn.: I am ashamed before you, because of my outraged cheeks!63

Eur.: What is this? Some speechlessness holds me! 905 Oh Gods, what sight do I see! Who are you, woman?! Mn.: And who are you? For the same speech holds both me and you! Eur.: Are you a Greek woman, or one of the local natives? Mn.: A Greek woman. But I would like to know also your nation. Eur.: Woman, I know you to resemble closely Helen! 910

Mn.: And I you, to resemble Menelaus—especially from the potherbs!64

62 A terrible blasphemy. 63 Which were cut in the shaving process.

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Eur. Then you recognize correctly the most unfortunate of men! Mn.: Oh long in coming to the arms of your spouse, Take me! Take me, husband—wrap your arms about me! 915 Come, I kiss you! Carry me, carry, carry, carry, carry me— Take me swiftly away! Crit.: You WILL weep, by the god, If this fellow carries you away and gets beaten with this lamp! Eur.: You will prevent me from carrying my wife, The child of Tyndareus, away to Sparta!? 920 long

Crit.: Egad! You too seem to me to be an evildoer, And a henchman of this fellow! No wonder you‘ve been playing for so At being Egyptian! But he is going to pay a just penalty! For the Prytane is coming with a bowman! Eur.: This is foul! Time to slip away!

925

Mn.: What am I to do, ill-starred as I am? Eur.: Stay calm. For I will never give you up, so long as I draw breath, Before I deploy my ten thousand devices! Mn.: Well, that line caught nothing!65 PRYTANE: Is this the evildoer that Cleisthenes told us about? You! Why are you bending over? Bind and take him inside, Bowman, to the stocks; and then Stand here and guard, and Allow no one to approach him, but hold the whip ready, And strike, if anyone should approach.

930

Crit: By Zeus, a man just now Came as meddler and almost got him away from me!

935

Mn.: Oh Prytane! In the name of the right hand, which you love To stretch out cupped so that you might receive money, Grant me one favor even as one about to die! 64 Another gibe at the grocer mother of Euripides. 65 A proverbial expression.

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Pry.: What favor shall I grant you? Mn.: Bid the bowman to strip me naked, And then bind me to the stocks, So that I shall not, as an old man, in saffron robes and [woman’s] Persian girdle Provide laughter for the crows to feast on!

940

Pry.: It is the decision of the Council that you shall be bound with these things on, So that it will be clear to the passersby that you are a rogue! 945

Mn.: Ai Yi Yi! Oh saffron robe, what you have done! And there is no longer any hope of salvation!

Chor.: Come, let us now enjoy our play, in the ways lawful here for women, When we engage at the sacred times in the august revels of the Twin Goddesses— In which worship and fasting Pauson66 participates, 950 Who will join in praying to both of Them That from season to season There will frequently be for himself such celebrations. Rise up and move! Light on your feet go in a circle, 955 Linked hand in hand, Everyone keeping the rhythm of the chorus! Step with swift feet! But to look about everywhere With circumspect eye, is required of the ordered chorus. 960 But at the same time, The race of the Olympian gods Let each sing of and honor with voice and with the wild dance! But if anyone Expects that I, being a woman, 965 Am going to speak ill of men in the sanctuary, his thought is incorrect. But we must now— As if it were a new task in turn— Stay the well-grown step of the circling chorus. 970

Proceed in step singing to the One-Good-at-the-Lyre [Apollo], And the bow-carrying Artemis, Holy Mistress! Welcome, Oh Worker-from-afar, And bestow victory! And of Hera the Accomplisher67

66 A painter of animals who was in bad repute.

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Let us sing, as is appropriate: She who makes playful all the choruses, And guards the keys of marriage! And Hermes of the pastures I entreat with prayer, And Pan,68 and the dear Nymphs, Who are eager in spirit to laugh gracefully over Our chorus dances! Raise up with eager spirit The double grace of the chorus dance! Let us enjoy our play, Oh women, in the lawful ways, And let us fast in every way!

975

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But come! Leap with rhythmic foot in a different step! Shout out the song! And lead on thus, you Ivy-bearing Bacchus, Lord! I, with revels That love choruses, sing of You! Hail Dionysus! Child of the Thunderer [Zeus] and of Semele, He Who delights in choruses On the mountain tops, with erotic songs of Nymphs! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail in the choric dance! About You resounds The echo of the harp; And the dark-leafed hills And the shady, rocky glens thunder! And in a circle around You the ivy Of beautiful leaf flourishes in a whirl!

Scythian Bowman:69 Here now you moan open air! Mn.: Oh bowman, I beseech you! Scyth.: Not you beseech me! Mn.: Let up on the nail. Scyth.: But these things I do.

67 An epithet for Hera as patron of marriage. 68 According to the Homeric Hymn to Pan, he was the son of Hermes. 69 Who speaks very bad Greek.

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Mn.: Ai-yi! Am I ill-starred! You are rather hammering it in! 1005 Scyth.: More still you want?! Mn.: Ai-yi-yi! Ai-yi-yi! You are foully killing me! Scyth.: Silence, ill-starred old man! I brang out mat for sit guard you! Mn.: These are the very good things I enjoy on account of Euripides! Bah! Gods! Zeus the Savior! They are the hopes! [Apparently Euripides appears with some visual reminder of Perseus.] 1010 So then the man will not forsake me, but By running out like Perseus he’s slipped me a sign, That I should become Andromeda!70 Surely I have the chains! So it is clear that He will come to save me; for otherwise he wouldn’t have flitted by! [Now speaking as Andromeda:] 1015 Dear virgins, dear ones,71 how would I get up and go Escaping the Scythian’s notice? Are you listening? In the name of Reverence, you there who are in the caves [Echo], 1020 Nod assent, allow Me as the woman to leave!72 Pitiless is he who bound me— The mortal most full of sighs!73 Having with difficulty escaped the 1025 Rotting hag, I nevertheless am doomed! For the Scythian guard Here has long stood, Having hung me out, ruined and friendless, 70 What follows echoes and parodies the lost Andromeda of Euripides, in which Andromeda was apparently bound to a rock, lamenting her coming fate, and singing a hymn to Night, which was answered by the goddess Echo and then a chorus of maidens. 71 According to the scholiast, an echo of a line in the Andromeda: “Dear virgins, dear to me.” 72 This sentence, as well as much of what follows, is apparently taken from the Andromeda: see frag. #119 (Nauck). 73 Compare Andromeda frag. #118 (Nauck).

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A meal for crows! Do you see? Not with choruses, nor with girls my own age,74 Do I stand here, having the votes in the urn,75 But in close bondage entangled, I am presented as food for the whale Glaucetes!76 Not with wedding paean, but as one in bondage Bewail me, Oh women!—as Wretched, having suffered wretchedly! Oh woe! Woe is me! Lawless suffering far from family!— And to the prayed for light, the much wept Hades, I flee in groans: Alas! Alas! Oh! Oh! He who first shaved me clean, Who dressed me in saffron! And after these things, sent me up here to this Sanctuary, where the women are! Alas my unsoftened daimon of fate! Oh accursed am I! What suffering will not follow My unenviable lot in the presence of evils! Would that the fire-bearing star of the ether— Might destroy the barbarian! For no longer is the immortal flame Friendly for me to behold, since I am hung out, In throat-cutting agonies of the daimons, On the path to the glistening dead!

Eur. [now as Echo]: Greetings, dear child! But your father Cepheus, Who exposed you, may the gods destroy! Mn.: Who are you, who mourn my suffering? Eur.: Echo, the mocker who sings back speech, 1060 Who last year in this same land Myself helped Euripides in the competition. But Oh child, you must now play your part, And wail piteously!

74 Compare Andromeda frag. #122 (Nauck). 75 Mnesilochus apparently forgets momentarily the role he is supposed to be playing and reverts to his own delights. 76 Apparently a notorious glutton, perhaps the father of the prominent politician Pisander; cf. Peace 1008-9.

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Mn.: And you’ll wail later! Eur.: That’ll be my worry! You start your speeches! 1065 Mn.: Oh sacred Night!77 How long a horseback ride you pursue, Driving the starry back Of sacred Ether through most revered Olympus! Eur. [as Echo, here and in following lines]: Through Olympus. 1070 Mn.: Why has Andromeda Been allotted by fate a share of evils greater than others— Eur.: Been allotted by fate a share . . . Mn.: Suffering death? Eur.: Suffering death? Mn.: You are destroying me, you chattering hag! Eur.: Chattering. 1075 Mn.: By Zeus, you have gone too far! Eur.: Too far. Mn.: Good fellow, let me sing solo, And gratify me! Cease! Eur.: Cease! Mn.: Go to the crows! Eur.: Go to the crows! 1080 Mn.: What is the problem? Eur.: What is the problem? Mn.: You are driveling! Eur.: You are driveling! 77 This and much of what follows apparently parodies lines in the Andromeda.

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Mn.: Alas! Eur.: Alas! Mn.: Woe is me! Eur.: Woe is me! Scyth.: What you say? Eur.: What you say? Scyth.: I call Prytanes?! Eur.: I call Prytanes?! 1085 Scyth.: You bad?! Eur.: You bad?! Scyth.: Where voice from?! Eur.: Where voice from?! Scyth.: What you say? Eur.: What you say? Scyth.: You gonna weep! Eur.: You gonna weep! Scyth.: You sneer me?! Eur.: You sneer me?! 1090 Mn.: By Zeus, no! It’s this woman here! Eur.: Woman here! Scyth.: Where is wretch? She get away! Where, where she flee? She not be glad! Eur.: Not be glad! 1095 Scyth.: You still mutter?! Eur.: You still mutter?!

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Scyth: Seize the wretch! Eur.: Seize the wretch! Scyth.: The woman sit and babbles! Eur. (now as Perseus): Oh gods, at what land of barbarians have we arrived With swift sandal? For, cutting a path 1100 Through the Ether, I, Perseus, set my winged foot Toward Argos, bringing by sea the head of the Gorgon! Scyth.: What say? You say you got Head of writer Gorgo?78 Eur.: I am speaking of the head of the Gorgon! Scyth.: And I speak of Gorgo! 1105 Eur.: Alas! What is this hill I see, and virgin— Resembling the goddesses—moored, like a ship, to it? Mn.: Oh stranger! Have pity on my total misery, And free me from the bonds!79 Scyth.: Will you not stop chatter? You dare sit here Chatter when about to die? 1110 Eur.: Oh virgin, I am moved with pity, seeing you hanging there! Scyth.: Is not virgin, but old sinner And thief and criminal! Eur.: You talk nonsense, Scythian! This is Andromeda the child of Cepheus! Scyth.: Look at crotch! Look pretty small, no? 1115 Eur.: Give me your hand, that I might be brought to clasp the maiden! Give me your hand, Scythian! For all humans have an illness; And eros has seized even me in regard to this maiden! Scyth.: I not jealous of you; 78 Referring to the famous sophist Gorgias. 79 Cf. Andromeda frag. #128 (Nauck).

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And if his asshole now turned in this direction, I not begrudge you take him and fuck him!

Eur.: Why, Oh Scythian, do you not allow me to liberate her, To fall into the sheets of the marital bed? Scyth.: If you much want fuck old man, Bore board from behind and enter ass like that! 1125 Eur.: By Zeus, I shall free the bonds! Scyth.: Then I use whip on you! Eur.: I’m going to do it! Scyth.: Then off your head I cut with this sword! Eur.: Alas! What shall I do? To what speeches shall I turn? But the barbarous nature would not accept them! 1130 To bring new wisdom to the gauche80 Is to waste one’s time; some other Fitting device must be applied. Scyth.: Miserable fox! He tried get me! Mn.: Remember, Perseus, how you left me in misery! 1135 Scyth.: You still want whipping? Chor.: Pallas [Athena] the Lover of the chorus The law bids that I call hither to me in the chorus: The Virgin Maiden who is not yoked, 1140 Who possesses our city And Who alone in manifest might Is called the Holder of the keys! Oh, You are manifestly A hater of tyrants, as is reasonable! 1145 The demos of women calls you! Come, bringing to me Peace that loves festivity! And You come too, propitious and benevolent Fates, to your glade, 1150 Where it is not lawful [themis] for men to look upon The solemn rites to the Twin Goddesses, where with torches 80 The line is from Medea 298.

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1155

The immortal countenance of the Twain appears! Arrive, come, be present, Oh August Thesmophorians, If ever before you have given ear— Come, come now, arrive here among us too, We beseech you!

1160 Eur.: Women! If you are willing for the rest of time To make a peace treaty with me, at this moment, You’ll never hear anything bad from me Henceforth! These are the things I offer as herald. Chor.: For what purpose do you bring in this speech? 1165 Eur.: This is my relative here on the board. So if I can take him away, you’ll never hear anything bad; But if you are not persuaded by me, I shall slander you as regards the things you do while staying at home— Before the men coming back from the army! 1170 Chor.: Know that as regards us, your words have been persuasive; But you yourself persuade this barbarian. Eur.: That’s my job; now, you, nimble one, You must remember to do the things I explained to you on the way here. So first tuck up your gown and proceed. 1175 And you, Teredon, blow the Persian air. Scyth.: What’s this noise? Some revel awakens me! Eur.: The girl is going to practice, bowman. For she’s going to be dancing for some men. Scyth.: She dance and practice, I not stop her. 1180 How nimble! Like a flea on a sheepskin! Eur.: Come, take your gown off, child—here. And sit on the knees of the Scythian And stretch your legs, so I can unfasten the slippers. Scyth.: Yeah, yeah, sit, sit, yeah, yeah, little girl! 1185 Wow! What firm tit! Like a ball! Eur.: You! Play the flute faster! Are you still afraid of the Scythian? Scyth.: Beautiful ass! . . . You’ll be sorry if you don’t keep it under the cloak. Rub the foreskin up and down! Yeah! That feel fine around pecker!

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1190 Eur.: Fine it is: take the cloak; time for us to go now! Scyth.: Can’t she kiss me first? Eur.: Sure: kiss him! Scyth.: Wow, wow, wow! How sweet a tongue, like Attic honey! Why can’t she sleep with me? Eur.: Salutations, bowman!

For this can’t be! 1195

Scyth.: Yes! Yes! I pay! You gratify me this! Eur.: You’ll give a drachma?

Scyth.: Yeah, yeah, I give! Eur.: Produce the money now. Scyth.: But I don’t have any; take the bow case! Eur.: Okay; then you bring her to them.

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Scyth.: Follow, child! And you, old hag, watch over this old man. What’s your name? Eur.: Artemisia [Sacred to Artemis].

Scyth.: I’ll remember that name: Artamouxia. Eur.: (Guileful Hermes, you are in this way doing fine, as ever!) But you run along, taking this little girl! (And I shall liberate this fellow.) Now, you, 1205 As soon as you are swiftly freed, run off in manly fashion, And hurry home to your wife and children! Mn.: That’s what I will do, as soon as I’m freed! Eur.: You’re freed. Now it is your job to flee, before the bowman Returns to take you! Mn.: That’s what I’m doing! 1210 Scyth.: Old hag! Your daughter was nice, And not ill-tempered but gentle. —Where’s the old hag?

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Alas, I’m ruined! Where’s the old man who was here?! Old hag! Old hag! I not praise that old hag! Artamouxia! The old hag did me ill! You ran away as fast as could! It’s rightly called ‘bow case,’ cause it screwed me!81 Alas what’ll I do? Where’s the old hag? Artamouxia!

Chor.: Are you inquiring about the old woman who was carrying the harps? Scyth.: Yes! Yes! Did you see her? Chor.: She went that way, And some old man was following her. 1220 Scyth.: Did the old man have on yellow silk? Chor.: Indeed, I would say so. But you’d catch him, if you were to pursue in that direction. Scyth.: Oh miserable old hag! Which road she take? Artamouxia! Chor.: Pursue straight up there. Where are you running? Won’t you pursue in the other direction? You need to run in the opposite direction! 1225 Scyth.: Damn! I am running there! Artamouxia! Chor.: Run then to the crows, with a fair wind in your sails! But our play has reached its measure; So it is time for each to go To her home. And may the Thesmophorian Twain 1230 To us in return Give good grace.

81 A play on the similar root in Greek of the words.

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