A Reach into an Empty Void

Marcos Carballal
Hollie Campos
English 10 2nd Period
April 7, 2015
A Reach into an Empty Void
I was born into a Christian family, and was automatically deemed a Christian child because of that. Unsurprisingly, as I grew up with no other religion, or lack thereof around me, I embraced the doctrines of the Protestant faith. The church that I grew up in consisted of an incredibly accepting community that spanned many separate demographics. The church was always a very supportive one, and that appealed to me. However, I confused the appeal of the church's policies and the community within it as an appeal with religion as a whole. I had not known of the bigotry and hatred that could arise from the same book which resulted in a loving community which I admired and respected.
However, ever since I was an elementary student, I found the act of praying strange and inefficient. I had never really seen it work and I didn't really understand why an omnipotent being would concern himself with us when the universe was so large and vast. Still, I felt the presence of a god; something I most likely would contribute to a placebo or a product of groupthink now. I bowed my head and muttered the words as my parents told me to because I didn't wish to upset them or the god I should have been praying to. I never questioned his existence because I took what my parents told me at face value however I quickly did not consider him the omnibenevolent being that people told me he was. I was never a largely sheltered child when it came to events of the outside world, so, when I saw all the suffering that existed, I was angry for quite some time. How could an omnipotent, omnibenevolent, god allow for such widespread atrocities of his "chosen people"?
This however did no cause me to lose my faith. I still went to church, sang the songs, read the scriptures, and was a proper Christian. I soon thought of church, and Christianity as a whole, as true and going there was simply a task you had to do in order to be on the good side of the god. In Sunday school, I was taught that Noah's Ark and Creationism were unambiguously true despite the fact that my family, at least my direct family, did not believe in any of it. I suppose they wanted to allow the children to believe in even what they knew not to be true for the wonder it provided. I suppose they meant to have told me later that they're not true according to modern science and their beliefs. I suppose they meant to eventually expose me to the actual evidence they have for the claims that lie within Christianity. However, none of that ever happened.
I never accredited the Bible with more validity than science. However, I consistently used Christianity's claims to essentially fill in what I didn't know. This is also known as the "God of the Gaps" argument. So, with only a rudimentary understanding of science, I believed that which was in the Bible that had not been disproven or what I knew to have a better explanation with strong evidence to be true. However, this line of thinking is very dangerous and is the equivalent of assuming "guilty until proven innocent" because the concept of a god is an unfalsifiable hypothesis. Until I learned the mechanisms of evolution, I gave creationism and evolution equal weight with perhaps a slight lean towards evolution because that's what my parents believed. After a year of biology however, I threw Creationism out the window. However, even though I was on the same page as my parents, differences quickly emerged.
My first tangible large separation from the tenants of Christianity occurred at the beginning of 7th grade and it was that I no longer believed that evolution was driven or guided through the hand of God. I saw no reason to as I had been given all the mechanisms through which evolution occurred. Unsurprisingly, my parents were not happy to hear about this and acted accordingly. While I was never particularly punished, the weeks following thereafter were not particularly pleasant. It was after this experience that I did begin to think critically of my own faith and learn more about the faith of others. The only other faith system that I found justifiable was Deism and that was simply because it was a reduced form of all monotheistic religions. I began to realize that for a god to be believable, the more simplistic it must be. Therefore, I found the idea of a god that did not interfere with the universe much more likely but I still believed in heaven or hell without question. As to why those constructs seemed more viable to me, I do not know.
However, I continued to believe in the Christian god on one stipend; Pascal's Wager. Pascal's Wager essentially argues that it is much better to be wrong from a theistic position than from an atheistic position because as a theist, you would simply die; but as an atheist, you would burn in hell forever. The main issue with this argument that I didn't realize at the time is it creates a false dichotomy. Even if you assume a god exists, when one takes into account history's endless parades of gods, the chances of the god you believe in being the actual one are dismal at best. For example, there could exist a god that would send those to hell for believing in the wrong god but not the non-believers. I continued believing only out of fear. So, I began rather petty methods of attempting to decide this for myself. I actually recall acts of desperation when went to church. I would sit and stare at the multicolored carpet beneath me and actually pray to God to change the color of one small patch of the carpet. My reasoning as to why God might do this if he existed is that it would be proof to me, but I would not be able to use such evidence to prove it to others and thus eliminating the "free will" we have to not believe in him. I reached into depths in an attempt to find God, but no such being appeared.
From there, I stopped such petty attempts to find conclusive evidence for God. I had begun to look for scientific evidence of god, whether it is empirically or logically. Not wanting any parental grief, I turned to the internet in order to find this evidence. At first I found comfort encountering arguments such as the "God of the Gaps", "The Domino Effect", and "Intelligent Design". The "God of the Gaps" argues that which science cannot know must be God. "The Domino Effect", also known as the "Watchmaker Argument" argues that everything must have a cause, including the beginning of the universe and the "Intelligent Design" arguments says that universe and the world have too much structure in order for it to have been generated by itself. However, as I further investigated the other side, I saw these arguments shut down which really shook my faith. For example, when I saw models of the universe computed to create galaxies exactly akin to our own I simply found it ridiculous to believe an omnipotent being arranged each and every one of them.
I was involved in several debates over the internet, from each perspective. However, from the Christian perspective, I found that all my arguments which were not refutable by the opponent were all assertions that since we did not know, that it was better to believe; or as Richard Dawkins would call these assertions, "Arguments from Incredulity". When I began attempting to argue from an atheistic position, I began to realize who really had the burden of proof. The religious were the ones making the claim, and they have to support that claim instead of simply arguing that you can't prove them wrong. Anyone can make an argument for green monkeys inside of Jupiter if the only stipulation for it to be true is that you can't prove them wrong.
However, I still saw much validity in the "Watchmaker" argument. So, for the rest of middle school, I was a self-described Deist but I didn't dare tell my parents. In fact, the only person who really knew was my twin brother, and he didn't even believe me when I told him I didn't believe in the Christian God. Also, towards the end of middle school, was my confirmation. Confirmation essentially affirms that you want to be a Christian and consisted of 6 months of classes once a week. If there were absolutely no social pressures to get confirmed, I doubt I would have. However, it was not presented to me as a choice, but rather an obligation and so I went through the process.
It was over the summer before freshman year did I see support. I had been going through this entire journey by myself. When I told one of my best friends at the time, I received nothing but support. This allowed me to continue this journey of attempting to find the truth instead of just taking my confirmation at face value and continue being a Deist leaning to a god that described the Christian god. However, it still was incredibly tempting to continue this viewpoint. It was comforting "knowing" that there was a heaven that I would go to and see my grandfather after I died. I wanted what I had been indoctrinated to believe to be true which made it so much harder to see the opposite side with the same amount of fairness. I was an artifact of Confirmation Bias. However, I didn't allow this to fully halt my search for the truth and continued to research through the internet as well as other resources
It was when I arrived at Technology High School that I began to feel more comfortable with what I believed. It reminded me that I wasn't crazy. Over the course of the 1st semester, was when I first described myself as an atheist. I was exposed to the reason that Deism was not as logically sound as I had previously thought. This rhetoric that everything must have a cause and therefore god must be at least the original cause was ruined by two things. I was shown quantum mechanics, which has no perceivable cause and is also hypothesized to be the cause of the big bang. Also, it was pointed out to me that with this rhetoric that everything must have a cause, that the Deistic god I believed in must also have needed a cause which would create an infinite line of gods which simply could not exist.
However, this sudden realization, that in my worldview, that I had been lied to my whole life by my loved ones I became angry. As I had continued my discussion on the internet with other religious and irreligious individuals, I was told that I was angry at God. This perplexed me. How could I be angry at something which I no longer believed existed? No. I was angry at the fact that I was told to believe in this god from my birth and just how susceptible I was to this. Of course, it wasn't my fault for being so susceptible to it; every child is whether it is Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Yahweh.
When I first converted, it didn't bother me a huge amount that, in my worldview, there was no heaven or hell. I had never seen how one could even be happy in heaven knowing there are those who are suffering eternally below anyway. However, in the tragic death of a good friend of mine, Robby Deza, it really hit me that our life is all we have and we must not waste it. When my grandfather had died, I believed I would see him again and while my worldview had shifted to not believe that, it had happened over time and didn't really affect me. It was not the same with Robby's death. It really tore at me that I would never see him again and once again, I was not able to reach out to my loved ones as I had not yet come out as an atheist. There was but one person that I relied on; Allie. Allie was a good friend from middle school who I had stayed in contact since then. We trusted each other completely. She was the first to know I was an atheist and really helped me in coming to terms with the fact that our life is all we have as well as Robby's death. My twin brother was the second to know. From there I shared the information freely, but not obsessively, with my friends presuming that my parents and my friends would not be discussing my religion or lack thereof.
The rest of the school year past by and my views had not changed much, but rather strengthened. I had become a regular contributor to an atheistic community and had many epistemological discussions. Over the summer, my family, comprising of my brothers, stepbrothers, father, stepmother and myself had gone to Spain. We had gone to a small town on the coast of Galicia where my father had just purchased an apartment. After nearly 6-7 months of being an atheist, I decided it was finally time to come out after I was urged from one of my atheist friends to do so. I waited until fairly late at night when all 5 kids, my 2 brothers, me, and my stepbrothers, were lying in bed. I was shaking a small amount in nervousness. I walked into the family room of the apartment where my dad was relaxing and watching TV. In a shaky voice, I asked him if I could talk to him in private. With a concerned looking washing over his face, he muted the TV and walked out to the small hallway.
"Dad, I've decided that I'm an atheist". It would turn out that I would regret that wording as it wasn't much of a choice. After what seemed like an eternity of him processing of what I've just said, all he responds with is
"Okay?"
Another long pause. I interject, attempting to reduce the tension in the air.
"So, are you cool with that?" I presume he didn't want to have a theological debate at one in the morning so he responded.
"Well, not really. We'll talk about it later why don't you go to bed."
I had no objections to going to bed at that point. I meandered back to the room where all my brothers and stepbrothers and lied in bed. It was a sleepless night. The next morning, it was as though nothing had happened. We went through our regular routine and relaxed. It wasn't until nearly a week later that he asked me to go to the store with him and I knew why. On the walk there and back, my father essentially had asked how I had come to my conclusions. However, they were in a rather condescending manner as though I were crazy. He said things such as "Where did these ideas come from?" implying that they were absolutely ridiculous. After I explained to him why I no longer believed in a god, he began this theological debate providing the aforementioned arguments which had already been presented to me and I had seen shut down. Also, since I had phrased it originally as a choice he treated it as such. Yet, when I attempted to explain to him why I found these arguments insufficient, he took it as a personal attack on him, rather than one on his beliefs. The rest of the vacation was uneventful other than a request by me to not tell my grandparents as they had no need to know. I was fine with them passing away thinking I would join them in heaven. It wasn't until the first Sunday that we were back in California, that there was an issue.
My father wanted to force me to go to church. While I could have just submitted and go through the motions in church as I had the past 6-7 months, a statement needed to be made. Clearly I didn't want to go to church for the rest of my life and so I stood up for my First amendment right. A fear of mine when coming out as an atheist was that I would lose the church community I had been a part of all of my life. Despite this, there was no need to pretend to the entire community that I was religious while I was not. I presumed that my father would tell at least his close friends in the church that day and I didn't want to be around for the turmoil surrounding it. While I thought that once I convinced my father to let me stay home that it wouldn't even be a discussion, I was wrong. He allowed me to stay home but attempted to reprimand me for it. He said that I must do something to fulfill my spiritual needs (of which I had none) and forbid me from using any electronics within that time. He even disallowed me to do homework in that time. When I tried to argue that this was punishing me for my beliefs or lack thereof, he justified it by saying that it provided me with what his church provided him. While being an atheist does not mean you are incapable from being spiritual, I was not in the slightest and had no spiritual needs to fulfill. Thus, I didn't particularly follow those set rules.
After a few weeks of this however, he realized that he was being unjust in this and allowed me to do homework in the timeframe which didn't really change anything in my actual activities, but it still managed to reduce the tension between us. Everyone that lived with me at this point knew about my beliefs, but my mother did not. She was much more religious than my father and came from a strictly Catholic family. In fact, my uncle is a deacon at a church. I couldn't bring myself to do this face to face and pettily did it over a text. Her original response was positive and indifferent to the fact. However, when I went to visit her at her house, she asked me if it was a joke. I responded that it wasn't and a long period of silence ensued. I put my earbuds back in and continued working.
Although she never talked to me again concerning the issue, I'd still often hear about it. Due to a drunk driving incident in 2011, whenever I go to my mother's house to see her, she must be accompanied by a predetermined companion. However, my mother has a tendency to talk about her life issues with these companions, and I'm always around to hear it. Often I'll listen to "TED talks" instead of music while I'm working on something as filler. However, these talks don't conceal the noises of the outside world as music would. Because of this, my mother would presume I'm listening to music and blatantly start discussing, with practically a stranger, about how to fix this problem. This usually was responded to with assertions such as "It's just a phase" in order to deviate from the subject.
Aside from the innate awkwardness of the situation when I heard it, I never really had a problem with my mother doing this. It was a coping mechanism. However, what I didn't hear was my mother telling nearly everyone on her side of the family that I was an atheist. I assumed this was also part of her coping mechanism but now it had severely affected me. Given I only visit them once every two years or so, there was no need for them to know for they would cast judgment upon me. The only person she had yet to tell was my grandmother (my grandfather had passed away). When I went to visit them in the winter of 2014, I was surprised at how little I was confronted about it. I knew that they, particularly my uncle, were not happy about due to some emails I had gotten but the subject never came up. The only time that it did was while I was sitting in the car with my aunt waiting for my grandmother to leave her retirement home. To my surprise, it was not to display her displeasure for the fact, but rather was to express acceptance of it. While she did belittle the atheistic position with phrases such as "under the atheist influence", it was incredibly nice to have someone from that side of the family that accepted it.
However, in this time my direct family had become much more tolerant of my position. My dad no longer restricted the activities I was allowed to while they were at church and my mom seemed to have accepted the fact and moved on. While there sometimes is a snarky comment from my little stepbrother, it is to be expected and if he weren't bothering me about that it would be something else. Overall, I have seen a decrease in piety in my direct family and an increase in tolerance of all demographics. To this day I am still a contributor of the atheistic community online, am part of the British Humanist Association, and advocate for the end of the indoctrination of children and allowing making their own decisions about their own religion. It was only special conditions which caused me to think critically of my own religion, and that will not happen to everyone.




Carballal 8